I Don’t Understand Men

Posted on March 22, 2017

10 Things Men do that Drive all Women Crazy!

Men. I love them. What’s not to love?
Big, hairy, strong, say less than us and generally happy as long as they have access to food, sleep and the occasional shag (that’s not me being prejudice, by the way, it’s what every guy I’ve ever known has told me). But still, I don’t understand men. They are meant to be simple creatures! Yet, after years and years of living with one, plus a few previous exes, I still have a list of things I will never ever get my head around. Here is my (probably predictable) Top Ten wind ups:

1. Wet bathroom floor
What does a man do when he gets out of the shower? Reach for the towel while still in the cubicle, dry himself, wrap the towel around his waist and leave the room? Evidently not. He steps  out of the shower and shakes like a dog…that’s if my water splattered mirror, dripping bath mat and flooded floor are anything to go by.

Crazy man in shower

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2. Toilet roll phobia
I know it’s a cliché but what the hell is going on guys? Don’t leave half a square dangling forlornly on the roll to get out of changing it. Don’t put another one on top and don’t start a new one. Just change it. For fuck’s sake, it takes two seconds (I’ve timed it)!

3. Cling film wrappers
My man doesn’t cover dishes in the fridge, he holds them to ransom and never lets them go. If we go to a BBQ and I ask him to cling film a few plates he goes over them like that machine in the airport that cling films your luggage. No one is getting in and that food is never going to escape. Not ever.

4. They never listen
Must I elaborate? It’s one of life’s conundrums. Do I repeat myself (and risk being called a whining nag) or say it once only for him to say I never told him, because my voice obviously no longer registers in his mind.
I’ve got an idea – I will just do it myself. Again.

5. Food picking
I’m cooking, he’s snacking. I’m cooking, he’s saying he’s hungry. I’m cooking, he’s picking things off the plate I’m dishing up and the chopping board I’m preparing food on. I’ll have to start doing what my mum used to do and chop at his fingers with the knife I’m using. Except my mum wasn’t joking, there were a few close calls.

6. Pant mountains
Our bedroom has underwear moles. Everywhere you look there are dark little mounds, not of upturned earth but my husband’s boxers and socks. There they are, exactly where he dropped them the night before. One day I swear I will leave them there, and see what happens the day he realizes that fairies don’t magic them clean and into his drawers. One day he will go to work commando.

7. Damp duvets
Why do men throw wet towels on the bed? They can be hung on the towel rail, radiator, door hook, stair banister, washing line, back of the door. I don’t care how he hangs and dries them after use…but not in a soggy heap on our bed. Even the kids know better than that!

8. A lifetime on the toilet
My mother in law once told me men had different bowels to us. She is no doctor, but she’s not wrong.
Women – Oh I need a poo. 2 minutes, wipe, flush, wash hands, minimum smell.
en – Big announcement, take provisions and entertainment, 20 minutes, no interruptions, gas masks at the ready.
Even if they eat exactly the same food as us, at the same time, it processes differently. Why are they so regular? Why does it take longer? Why do they never open the window? It’s a mystery.

9. TV flick, flick, flickers
What’s on the TV? I don’t know, because my man is watching every channel at once. He has already done a loop the loop of all 400 hundred channels and has declared there is nothing worth watching. There is no point him checking the television guide, oh no, he’s watched every channel all at once in one second intervals.

10. Gets turned on in record time
I accidentally flash him while putting on my PJs – he wants sex.
I bend over to put something in the oven – he wants sex.
I turn over in bed and my arm touches his – he wants sex.
I smile at him or make eye contact – he wants sex.
Unless I want sex, in which case he has a busy day at work tomorrow and needs to sleep.

Well that’s my list ladies. Did I miss anything?

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