And It’s Not What You Think!
Regardless of your parenting stance and what choices you have made, I do not think the judgment comes solely from the other parenting camps. Maybe as an “in the middle mum” I have been lucky. I do not feel I experienced judgment for bottle-feeding my daughter nor breastfeeding my son, bed-sharing or using a cot. I feel the greatest amount of judgment has come as a result of the period I have allowed these things to continue.
Yes, apparently our own mummy camp can turn on us if we partake in these mothering practices past a certain age. I think to stop judging others there is one four letter word we need to get rid of.
“Still.”
I am still cuddling my baby to sleep.
I am still breastfeeding.
I am still bed-sharing.
I still give my little one the dummy.
I am still staying with my kids until they are asleep.
I still let my children in my bed in the middle of the night.
I still kiss my kids on the lips.
I am still rear facing my toddler.
I am still pushing my child in a buggy.
I am still wearing my child in a carrier.
I am still putting nappies on my child.
Piss off, still.
The word ‘Still’ creates barriers and judgment between mothers. ‘Still’ is starting our experience with an excuse and is far too often used as part of shaming.
Well, I am here to tell you – “Still” is good.
Every time I see a mum posting a question on a mummy page it is almost always a question starting with one of the statements above and I can almost guarantee it will include the word dreaded S word.
Have you ever read one of those articles about a controversial family situation? (Generally found in The Daily ‘Fail’) – 9 times out of 10 the “still” word comes up far too often, and even more frequently in the comments section!
Why is she still breastfeeding? Why is that child still in a buggy? Why is she still kissing her child on the lips? It goes on and on, the judgment of others’ parenting comes down to one factor – it simply does not correspond with our own ideas of how to parent.
Why are we so insistent on shaming attachment activities as soon as the child surpasses an age because someone somewhere who probably does not even have children, has deemed a practice unsuitable past a certain age?
Who decides when a child is too old for cuddles? Who should decide when you should stop breastfeeding or use a bottle? Who decides that your child suddenly should not need the comfort a dummy brings?
YOU!
Yes, as a mother you are the only person who should make these decisions.
I hate still. It is indicating what you are doing is wrong and it is not. If your child is happy, if you feel you are doing the best for your child then you are indeed doing the right thing with no “still” in sight.
I can promise you that your 20 year old kid will not have commitment issues and crawl into your bed, dummy in mouth asking for a feed. We all know this, so why are we so incredibly eager to push our children to grow up and achieve beyond their emotional development before they are ready? The childhood part of our lives is short and instead of pushing them along we should enjoy the stage they are at.
Tonight, I have witnessed another verbal attack on a mother for doing something “still“, the fact that her child is loved, cared for and treated well is apparently not important.
Instead, what is important is that her two year old ‘still’ has a bottle at bed time, before brushing teeth, during bedtime story.
Why is this so bad? It is part of their routine and something they cherish. Five minutes sucking a bottle during story time is not going to ruin her child’s life. He is not going to become a burden on society as a result of continuing this comfort past infancy and I guarantee he will not be bringing the bottle to the pub for a pint when he is older.
Right now however, he gently empties his bottle in his mother’s arms and as he is finished she will tuck him in and settle him to sleep. Maybe she will be leaving the room or maybe she will stay. Maybe he is in her bed or maybe he is in a cot, regardless of which, it has nothing to do with anyone but this mother and child.
Why does it matter if one child is dry at night by the age of one and another by eight? They will all likely be using the toilet by the time they are adults.
I might not let my child bed-share at the age of five but if you do, and it brings you and your child joy and comfort then good for you. I gave my first her dummy until she was way past three, and she has good teeth and excellent speech.
Mothering is the act of bringing a child up with care and affection. So should anyone be criticised for doing just this? It seems in a world where there are daily reports on young children being abused, neglected and mistreated we should celebrate mothering.
We should celebrate every mother who is raising her child with care and affection. We should celebrate each other regardless of how long we decide to give dummies, bottles, boobs and cuddles. We should raise each other up with words of encouragement and love and we should eradicate the word “still”.
(Note from The Editor: Not only is Sofie a regular columnist for The Glass House, she also runs her own ‘gentle parenting’ blog. Pop over to thegentlemumblog.com to read more of her musings.)
