Stop Making my Baby’s Needs into a Business!
I want to start this piece by explaining that this is not a judgment of other mothers. As women I would like us all to stand together, to raise each other, and, like in the not so distant past when it took a ‘village to raise a child’, learn from each other… instead of Google.
This is a judgment of people calling themselves professionals. A judgment of those who find every avenue possible to earn money by sacrificing the welfare of young babies.
Certain advice should be banned.
Certain advice should be deemed damaging.
Primitive humans raised children in a very different way. Mothers would have kept their babies with them at all times, after all you would not want a tiger to have your kid for dessert.
Mothers did not have to catch the tube or go to work. They stayed home and made clothes, ate some meat and barely left the safe confines of their caves. Carrying your baby at all times was not an issue, and of course daily showers were not part of the daily routine. Missing a long hot soak would not have raised an eyebrow among fellow cave people. Oh, the simplicity of primitive motherhood.
We slept with our babies, fed our babies and cuddled our babies. That was survival. As mammals we did what nature intended for us to do.
Mothers today have more responsibilities. Work and commitments, as well as more pressure than ever, yet we forget that our babies are still primitive. They have not evolved beyond cave behaviour and they won’t until they are developmentally ready.
So when we want some ‘me time’, our babies simply don’t understand. They cry and complain and fight sleep. Because as primitive new human beings, they know no different.
Cue: Money Hungry Baby Trainers.
Many of these specialists think they know what is right… as opposed to trusting the innate simplicity of ‘what Mother Nature intended’.
As any mother knows that advice come thick and fast from all angles the second you pee on that little blue stick. But with each ‘specialist’ the advice becomes more and more outrageous.
Judgment and so-called ‘advice’ has been taken to the furthest extreme with it now being commonplace to tell a mother to put her baby to bed, leave them to cry their little heart out in desperation and fear, and only return in the morning hours.
This ‘advice’ has become mainstream. These experts tells us that letting our babies scream teaches them to “self soothe”, or rather give up on their needs being met.
Comfort in the form of a cuddle, and closeness, are valid needs. Why else would us adults be so keen on bed sharing? A habit you are only allowed when you have learnt to be independent, according to these sleep geniuses. Doesn’t that strike any of us as hypocritical?
Back when I was pregnant with my first child, like most first time mothers-to-be, I bought a book I thought was a ‘bible’. A book that would tell me how to be a mum.
This book told me to ignore my child.
It told me she needed to ‘learn to go to sleep’. It told me that if she cried so hard that she vomited, I should avoid her attempts of manipulation. I should clean her without acknowledging her, place her back in her bed, close the door and leave.
Do we really believe that kids will vomit all over the place to get their way? Do we believe a child so young they cannot walk, talk or crawl, is capable of manipulation? Surely they are crying out of distress and fear of abandonment?
Would we ever do this to any other member of society? Would we ever think this was OK to do to an adult?
I am not judging the mothers; I am one of them. Desperate to sleep, to eat, to shower. No, I judge the people trying to make money out of us exhausted mothers, in desperate need of support, clutching at any piece of advice given to us by someone who has a piece of paper in a frame on their wall to say they are qualified to say so. Because when we feel our motherly instincts are failing, we will clutch at anything
Recently, I got an email from a ‘sleep consultant’ I used when my daughter was little, it made me think back to my own desperation.
I let my daughter cry it out… for approximately 15 seconds. They were the longest moments of my life. It did not feel right to me but the sleep consultant told me I had to be strong or my daughter would never ever ever sleep.
Well that was not true… at 6 years old my kid would sleep for days if I let her.
I tried so many techniques to get my baby to sleep back then, but gave up all within a day or two.
Endless cuddles took over.
Although the cuddles felt like torture at times (3 hour bedtimes can become tedious!), I miss every moment of them now. My needy, screaming child turned into a fiercely independent little soul. One that considers a quick hug enough to support her mother’s emotional needs nowadays.
As I read through the ‘sleep consultant’s’ email I realise this lady tells mothers their 3 month old babies with tummies the size of a plum, should go all night without a feed; she tells them it will not cause any harm and she tells them it is crucial for bonding to teach them independence.
I never questioned her when I was an exhausted mummy new to this ‘game’, but last week I became hugely confused by her statements.
Attachment creates independence, closeness creates bonding. Abandoning a baby for 12 hours does not.
I commented on her social media page asking for her resources to back up these claims, and for her qualifications. She was reluctant to reply and it turns out that she should be. I had the same qualification as she does, at 14 years old.
All her advice was based on her experience as a babysitter!
This lady is allowed to advise desperate new mothers with absolutely no education, no children of her own, and no extensive experience – and she is laughing all the way to the bank. As new mothers we don’t even take a moment to think about whether we have a matching bra and knicker set on, let alone check up on the qualifications of so called professionals.
The UNICEF and World Health Organisation “Building Happy Baby Initiative” recommends that we respond to our babies, hold them and feed them. They recognise that this is the best way of raising an independent and confident baby, they employ the real ‘sleep experts’.
As a new mum, be it your first time of your third, it is bloody hard to remain responsive at all times. We need to support each other. There is no shame in turning to your sister, neighbour, mother or friend for help. No shame in asking someone to take over for half an hour while you take a bath, an hour to read a book, pamper yourself, or even cook dinner in peace.
We need to support each other, tell each other it is exhausting and hard but that it does get easier. Help one another to make the decisions that feel right for us… and make sure that we do not give any more money to expired babysitters, preying on the desperation of new mothers.
Trust your instinct, it is your baby and what suits you may not suit someone else! We all parent the way we see fit.
Do your research on who you will let advise you and be cautious before buying a baby book, it could have been written by your childhood teenage babysitter.
(Note from The Editor: Not only is Sofie a regular columnist for The Glass House, she also runs her own ‘gentle parenting’ blog. Pop over to thegentlemumblog.com to read more of her musings.)
