By Miss Pollyanna, 12th July 2015

Cakeology the new Astrology

The Beginners Guide to Star Signs in Cake. Take it as a Rule of Crumb...

The Beginners Guide to Star Signs in Cake. Take it as a Rule of Crumb…

I don’t know about you but I need something I can taste, something visual to fathom out the personalities and characteristics (or lack thereof!) of my dearest, nearest and not-so-nearest. That’s why I converted to Cakeology – the new Astrology.

Want to be sure you have recently hooked up with the Love of Your Life? Feeling uncomfortable around your new boss? Wondering why you and your brother still fight over the last crumpet? Then it’s time to check out Miss Pollyanna’s sweet and undeniably tastier version of the zodiac:

Aries is Millionaire’s Shortbread
As tricky to keep up with as a whisk beating the life out of egg whites, Ariens are well-known for biting off more than they can chew. And if you can take afternoon tea with one without needing to recompose and refresh with a strong slurp between mouthfuls, full credit to you.

Taurus is (a box of) Macaroons…
…. from Paris and packaged lovingly in a decadent box with a bow. Taureans scream luxury. Why opt for life’s plain and dreary when you can dive into a rainbow-hued excess of gorgeousness? So what about the cost! The bulls like to salivate and chew, devouring at their leisure.

Coralie Ferreira
Coralie Ferreira

Gemini is Trifle
Not strictly cake, I know. But the Trifle is Gemini and Gemini the Trifle. It’s as adaptable as are they; a master at obscuring facts with stimulating chatter. And Geminis are clever with their tongues… (we won’t take that much further, suffice to say the humble trifle has traveled to the dining table of many a nation, and there are few pleasures greater than licking the top off one!).

Cancer is Apple Pie
Yes those 22nd June to 21st July peeps just know how to appeal to the emotion of others. They are warm and comforting, full of Thanksgiving Day embrace. They make every guest feel like family. And they will always offer you the choice of custard, ice cream… or both.

Leo is a Brownie
Proud and opinionated. Almost always right. The King of the cake jungle. The brownie can rarely be beaten, though many are those who have tried. Showy by their very nature, Brownie Leos love to embellish themselves too; a chocolate frosting here, a splash of walnuts there. Handle them carefully. How sweet and innocent they look when they pipe their way out of the oven, but it’s always best to let them cool… or burn your tongue at your peril.

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Virgo is a Muffin
The 22nd August to 21st September crowd are experts at finding ways to be useful. So much so that the ever accommodating Muffin will run itself ragged serving itself up for breakfast, elevenses, lunch, afternoon tea and supper! The word door mat sometimes springs to mind. Virgo Muffins tend to be vulnerable and tender crumbed. They will either dust you with icing sugar praise or egg wash you with critique, such are their cunning means of deflection.

Meal Makeover Moms
Meal Makeover Moms

Libra is a Fruit Cake
Intellectual and charming, Librans beg to be digested with a good strong brew… or a tot of sherry of an evening. It’s all part of their master plan you see; to mold you into co-operating with them, enabling them to achieve their goals. No fuss and what-you-see-is-what-you-get, the zodiac’s Fruit Cakes will avoid confrontation at all costs.

Scorpio is a Lemon Drizzle
The emotionally attached Scorpio is a Lemon Drizzle Cake through and through; unforgivingly sweet, and as jealous as it is sticky. But Lemon Drizzles come in many shapes, sizes and variations of glaze depending on mood. Yes, Lemon Drizzles are renowned for catching others off-guard. Always best to hedge your bets on a bitter or tangy experience only to end up with a sweet surprise.

Sagittarius is a Panetonne
The independent Sagittarius stands tall and proud like an Italian work of art. These guys are adept when it comes to change. How many of them have excelled in cafes, Lidls and Aldis all over Europe in the past few years? Panetonne Sagittarius LOVES to travel… but sometimes as a means of escape. For this cake sign isn’t one for confinement, hard work or responsibility!

Capricorn is a Wedding Cake
They may be billed as being as down-to-earth as a pancake in the traditional zodiac, but Capricorns are constantly striving to reach new heights. Which is why they can only be Wedding Cake when it comes to Cakeology. Love rules BIG time for the Caps and coupled with the fact they are natural goal setters, everything in this star sign’s world has to be a three tiered creation and nothing less.

Ross Hawkes
Ross Hawkes

Aquarius is a Swiss Roll
Oh the stubborn Aquarius. Whether right or wrong, how they can’t help but cling … to ideology in the outside world, and the un-oiled baking tray (or themselves if they’ve been a success) in the kitchen. Swiss Rolls are so full of principles that they will rarely take on board the views of others. As unique as their cake namesake, Aquarians are proud of their individualistic ways.

Pisces is a Cup Cake
And last but by no means least we have painfully shy (oh how, the rest of us can never work out why!) Pisces. Aka the Cup Cake. Pisceans are so good at imitating the mannerisms of others they should be performing for The Queen at the finale of Britains Got Talent. Always the first to hide their own personalities at a party or picnic with lashings of frosting, toppings and secret fillings. Little do they know they are most people’s favourites!

And that’s a wrap. I’m off now. Time to make cherry pie. But I wonder, can you work out which cake sign I am?

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