By Laura O'Shaughnessy, 27th October 2015

The Perks of a Small Pair

Why Big Boobs Are Not Always Best

Why Big Boobs Are Not Always Best

My friend knocked on the door two days ago asking for some rice. As I started to profess the virtues of quinoa over rice, she handed me a slightly overheated damp iPod. She’d not only suffocated, but drowned the poor thing by wedging it between her big neddies at the gym.

Who does that? Am I the only one who cannot use their boobs as an iPod stand?

Well I may not turn heads with a pair of gargantuan traffic stoppers, but least my boobs won’t cause a technology melt down.

I’ve never questioned or doubted my breast size. I’m small and sporty, they’ve always served me well. When I met the man I was clearly going to marry, he conveniently informed me he was a ‘bum man’. Perfect. I mastered a good squat and although I’m no J Lo, I’ve got a nicely pert derrière.

Saggy Bum Syndrome

Unleashing the boob man

Then a few years in and pregnant, my boobs came to life. Okay, I hardly needed to hoist them into my bra in the mornings, but I did require a bit of support. They looked great. I have never felt more feminine and sexy than when sporting curves and my big sexy pregnant boobs. It makes me broody just thinking about it.

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Damn that time. Whether I like it or not, it unleashed the ‘boob man’ in my ‘bum man’. So much so that two children later, my other half offered me the money to get myself a boob job. Damn him. Perhaps he was a ‘boob man’ all along. Anything to catch the girl.

Well the answer was no. I may not possess a pair of sweater stretchers, or even own a cleavage, but these are my little breasts. They were made for me and I’m hoping to ride out the journey of life with them, thank you very much.

So here are some perks of small boobage:

1: Judge me not my boobs
Generally speaking I get a chance to speak before I’m categorised and judged. That is assuming I don’t turn up to an event completely missing the brief, with my knickers stuck in my dress or with baby sick on my shoulder. (Surely the latter at least has happened to all of us).

2: Fashion is more forgiving
Fashion is kind to me. Shirts look great and there’s no chance that a button malfunction could release a full frontal explosion. I’ve been able to wear backless tops, halter neck dresses and tube tops (circa 1993). Still now, I know I can pick up my standard dress size in a shop with a fighting chance of it fitting in all the right places.

3: Swimming incidents
As I plunged without elegance into the water from the ‘kamikaze’ this summer, my bikini bottoms gave me a wedgie and my bikini top flew over my head. I learnt that it may be wise to wear a costume next time, but also that I am pretty invisible in such incidents. Perhaps with my bedraggled hair over my eyes and arms flapping I just looked like a young girl and no one felt like looking twice. Perhaps I was just literally lost from eye line because there wasn’t a lot to see. Either way, I volunteered myself to watch the bags for the next hour in case the next time I lost my bottoms too. That situation would be less forgiving I think.

4: The freedom to run
I can run, row and cycle without being walloped in the face by a stray boob. I’m not sure if that actually happens to people, but I have heard of the old ‘running for the bus’ analogy. It’s a good job really. If I had to contend with upper body injury as well as the embarrassment of my pelvic floor giving way every time I exercised I might just write the whole thing off.

5: The bikini shopping edit
I remember pre-holiday bikini shopping with friends. I still don’t know now if it’s illegal to swap a size 10 bikini top for a 14 and then shuffle it back on the size 10 hanger before proceeding the till. I was always tasked with being the look out anyway, just in case store security sniffed us out.

6: Sleeping like a baby
People with tiny breasts can sleep whichever way they fancy. On their fronts, sides or backs, things pretty much stay as they are. In fact, whatever we’re doing we can wear any position well. I can’t say we have a lot of leaping off wardrobe style action these days, but I’m pretty sure my other half likes the fact that in a hazy light, things look how they did ten years ago. Although having said that, ten years ago he was officially a ‘bum man’. His fraud may disqualify his opinion on this one.

Coming in to pasture
I’ve got to be honest. My boobs are little deflated now. They look like they’ve come in for early retirement and lost a bit of oomph. The same boobs that played well in a Wonderbra in the 90’s, that traveled through Mexico bra-less for three months in my 20s, definitely look like they’re entering a new less dynamic era.

But they’ve done me proud. I thank them for looking perky over the years. I thank them for growing to give me the joy of being voluptuous and womanly when pregnant. Then for feeding my babies for as long as they could. I am still proud and incredibly grateful for what I’ve got.


Reflection and gratitude
This Breast Cancer Awareness Month I celebrate my breasts. I don’t know what the future holds and for now I fully embrace what I was given. There are thousands of women out there who would give anything to have their health and the pair they were born with.

Big, little, or somewhere in the middle, breasts are a hugely important part of our bodies and our definition of femininity. For all the perks of having little pancakes, there an equal number of amazing reasons why big knockers rock. Whatever size, whatever shape, let’s just try be grateful, smile at ourselves and take care of what we’ve got.

To find out more about how to perform a monthly breast examination, have a look at the simple advice here on the Breast Cancer Care website:

There are also some great ideas of how you can raise money for Breast Cancer Awareness this month on the Wear it Pink, Breast Cancer Now, Breast Cancer Research and Coppafeel websites.

Over to you
Do you have itty bitty titties or great big bazookas? What are your pet peeves or are you simply grateful for your lot?

Note from The Editor: Many thanks to our latest House Guest Laura O’Shaughnessy. Laura also writes many of the recipes in our kitchen. To find more of her work on The Glass House Girls – visit her page here, or you can follow her on facebook or visit her own blog

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