Men aren’t the Only ones Masturbating, so Let’s Stop Pretending…
May is the month to masturbate – apparently. According to the internet May is masturbation month, the month of buffin’ the muffin and getting our onanism on (look it up, I had to!)
When I first read that May was the month of solo sex I laughed – because I wondered whose idea it was to sully pretty May like that, and most importantly, why? I imagined a Marketing Consultant for KY Jelly desperately thinking of ways to get more products sold in the springtime. ‘I know,’ she cries, ‘lets target wankers. If we tell them May is Masturbation Month then they will do it every day, start lubing up their dildos and triple our sales! Plus I like the alliteration.’
Or maybe it was targeted at men? Maybe in May men no longer had to pretend that they had eaten something that had disagreed with them every time they nipped to the work bathrooms for a quick bash of the bishop. They could declare it openly and shamelessly – ‘I have a masturbation urge and as it’s May you can not stop me’. Maybe.
What fascinates me most about all this is the fact that a month (A WHOLE MONTH) was dedicated to bringing masturbation to the forefront of our minds. Especially womens’ minds. I get why charities dedicate special days to discussing Autism, Cancer, Bullying…I get that…it gives the media a great reason to run stories about an important subject, raise money and helps those less fortunate than us. I also get Mother’s Day, Grandparent’s Day, Friendship Day – the greedy manipulative card manufacturing bastards have to make an easy buck somehow. But masturbation? Do we really need an entire month dedicated to it? Is it going out of fashion? Does it need to be talked about?
Well yes, apparently so. Because women aren’t talking about masturbation.
Except me, right now, of course. And that’s a funny thing as it’s part of every day conversation with men. In fact the other day, having a chat with a close male friend of mine, he described his mate as ‘you know, that one that wanks seven times a day.’ Firstly, no, I rarely categorize acquaintances by how many times they stick their hands down their pants and also…SEVEN? How did my friend even know that?
That will be because men talk about it, because it’s normal, and funny, and it’s not a big deal. But women don’t share stuff like that.
And believe me, women talk about everything. EVERYTHING!
We will talk about the states of our labias after having given birth, the size of ex boyfriend’s penis’ and even the size, shape, colour and smell of our child’s shit. But never in my life have I talked about masturbation with a friend. I have no idea if any of them even do it, how, when, where or with what. Because, well, it’s private. Also it’s rarely joked about in gross-out comedies like male masturbation is (okay, except for that opening shower head scene in the third American Pie movie), it doesn’t feature much in films or books (unless it’s being done to titillate the guy) and neither are there as many synonyms or funny terms for women flicking the bean as there is for a hand job. I know, because I’ve just spent the last half an hour Googling it (please God, make sure someone deletes my search history when I die)!
Here is a delightful selection of terms I did find for those of you that need to expand your tossing horizons.
You’ve been warned. They may make you laugh or they may make you tut, but either way you will never un-see them after this:
– Butter the biscuit
– Dial ‘o’ on the pink telephone
– Double click your mouse
– Flip your flossy
– Ride the two-finger cowboy
– Tease the tuna taco
I know, tasteful…
So when you DO finally find an article about female masturbation, considering this is the month for polishing your pearl, it’s a load of complete wank. Excuse the pun. There is nothing useful, funny or interesting to read because it’s still not as mainstream as choking the chicken. Instead of funny stories, How To’s or interesting insights into a very ordinary pastime – these articles are giving women permission (permission?!) to explore their own bodies. Errrr, I think you will find we were anyway before any guy came near us, we are just NOT TALKING ABOUT IT.
Here is a small example of the crap I have read recently about getting solo jiggy:
Light candles and put some music on
Really? Why do I need to seduce my own vagina? I want to have an orgasm, not marry it. It’s my own brain that wants to come and my own fanny that will get me there, so why do I have to set the scene and make so much effort?
If you want to use furniture or vegetables make sure you have washed them before and after
Oh for the love of all that is normal, can’t you just sit in the bath or lie in bed and be a regular wanker?! Are there women out there lubing up their chair legs or rummaging through their veg thinking, ‘I’ll have a go with this courgette now then it will make a lovely soup for the family’s dinner this evening.’ There are thousands of internet sites and shops dedicated to women and their rubber toys, so why improvise? It’s where nurses get their amusing ‘you’ll never believe what I saw today’ stories from.
It’s okay if you want to film yourself
No. No it’s not. It’s a fucking bad idea if you want to film yourself. If you want your partner to see, let them watch, but in the days of YouTube and break ups you think it’s a good idea to film yourself and then what? Put it up on Facebook or email your lover? Or is it for you to watch after, which is even weirder? Nopety nope.
Why not have some wine beforehand
Why? Do I really need a bit of Dutch courage to try it on with myself, or do I have to get myself pissed so that I am easy and let myself shag me? Drink wine or don’t drink wine, who cares? It’s just you and your imagination, you can stay sober to do that.
At the end of the day it’s your body and you can do what you want. It’s not dirty, it’s not weird and it’s not all that uncommon. Much like men, if you want to climax and there is no one about, you can’t be bothered to wake your partner up, you just want to get to the good bit without all that sex, sodding about, or you simply have five minutes and you can’t get that hot scene from last night’s movie out your head – then go for it. Just don’t make a bloody song and dance about it, don’t talk about it afterwards and please, oh please, don’t bother to wait all year for Masturbation May to come. As it were.