By The Duchess, 26th January 2018

Stop Telling me to Chill Out!

5 Reasons Why Saying 'Chill Out' is a Death Sentence

5 Reasons Why Saying ‘Chill Out’ is a Death Sentence

“Go On, Say it Once More… I Dare You.” This was the sentence that barely escaped as a hiss of the breath through my gritted teeth. I stood in the living room, holding what can only be described as a slither of leather that used to be my favourite pair of shoes. Shoes that I had saved up for, that I had felt guilty for buying in the first place but that I felt blissful in when I wore them for the first and only time just a week ago had just served their purpose as the dogs latest toy chew. As my grip around the leather tightened, I imagined my hands around his neck. I had lost it, and he was laughing at me… and telling me to “chill out”. For the love of all that is holy, I swear I could have committed murder right there and then.

Is it just me, or do the words ‘Chill Out’ just make an irate person even more stressed? When I hear those two words, the first thing I feel is an irrepressible urge to hurl the closest heavy object straight at said person’s head.

My amazing husband has known me for close to a decade now and although we work incredibly well together and manage to raise our children together in relative harmony, the one thing I can’t wrap my head around is that he still thinks, that in the middle of a massive meltdown, if he utters the words “chill out” that somehow, the red mist that has over taken me will suddenly disappear.

So – having said that… let’s look at the top four reasons why telling a woman to chill out is the quickest way to see the bottom of a casket!

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1: She is NOT crazy, so stop insinuating that she is.
Angry Bat Shit Crazy
And you know what… if she is crazy, pointing that fact out is really not going to help matters.
At the point where a woman is mad enough to let her emotions show, she has already flipped the switch on holding it together. You see, us women hold our shit together more than you will ever know… and if things are so bad that she is losing it in front of you, then she is vulnerable enough to be showing you her true emotions.
Telling her to “chill out” is basically the quickest way to tell her that her emotions are invalid and unjustified. So uttering the words “chill out” will ensure, especially in this circumstance, that you are about to witness her at her most bat shit crazy. Take cover and do it quickly or take back those two stupid words.

2: NEVER tell a woman what to do.
It is universally known that no woman ever likes to be told what to do. In fact, I strongly believe that this very fact should be taught from school level. Think of how many divorces would be avoided if men simply understood that telling a woman what to do is like showing a red rag to a bull. This being said, it stands to reason that if you indeed try to give a woman an instruction whilst she is already in full meltdown mode, you are only going to cause yourself a whole world of pain.

3: Judgmental Much?!
Now I know you may not think you are judging us, but you are. You are judging whether what we are getting angry about is actually worth the meltdown we are having. Telling someone to ‘chill out’ is basically implying that they have over-dramatised a situation. Trust me, if we are in meltdown, it is already dramatic enough to warrant said reaction, and even if it wasn’t, you have just made it worthy of a meltdown.

4: You are basically ensuring we do the total opposite.
Angry Woman

So let’s roll all those points into one, and see how we get to the final point. You are telling a woman she is crazy, then telling her what to do and judging how she has handled a situation, then telling her to “chill out”.

So guess what is about to happen. And fellas I would write this down for future reference, because I can predict with almost 100% accuracy that this is what is about to unfold… First, we are going to show you crazy, then we are going to tell you what to do (basically… go to hell) then we are going to judge you and your stupidity in the first place for telling us to chill out. We will calmly and very pointedly look you dead in the eye with a stare so terrifying it will remind you of your own mother and say… “Are you stupid? Did you really just tell me to chill out?”

When this happens, and I am only going to give this advice once… back the f**k away. Apologise, and walk the hell away. You have stuck a red hot poker in a hungry hibernating bear and I warn you that in this case, the roar will be a lot less painful than the bite that will follow.

So, in conclusion, and for all men (or women) out there… if you ever get the urge to tell your other half to “chill out”… I urge you to think twice. That is of course, unless you are more than prepared to meet the beast within.

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