Do you like your Man Smooth or Rough around the Edges?
I blame George Michael. I was ten years old, it was 1988 and he was singing about Faith. In all his coiffed, crucifix earring and leather jacket glory how was my young innocent mind ever to know that he would turn out to be all Wham! Bam thank you man (and have a penchant for public loos)? His Ray Bans and cheesy smile combo had me mesmerized, but there was one particular part of him that I was itching to reach out and touch… His stubbly jaw.
And from then on I was hooked on dark, hairy and unkempt men. Thankfully since then my Gaydar has improved and the penchant for long earrings on men has gone – yet my crushes have all had one thing in common. Facial hair.
What can I say? I love a bit of rough and I love a bit of stubble rash in all the right places. So, now we have reached the end of Movember and hirsute men the land over have grown their mustaches and raised their money for research into prostate and testicular cancer, I ask you one thing.
Do men look better with or without facial hair?
I love facial hair but I’m a tad fussy, it has to be (like most things on a man) a certain length. Clean shaven doesn’t cut it – I don’t want to kiss the face of a man that with my eyes closed could still be in school uniform. The Duchess has talked about her love for clean shaven men in uniform (the military kind, I hasten to add) and likes them neat and tidy. Yuk! But at least we won’t ever argue if we are out on the pull together (hardly likely, unless we get a miraculous hall pass). Yet, as much as I like a little facial growth, I really don’t fancy the idea of making out with a beardy weirdy and his shaggy dog’s bum either… I’ll let that image settle in your mind for a moment.
To be honest I’m really confused about the latest trend of big fat Santa beards on young men that don’t have a religious or cultural excuse for their lack of trimming. I get concerned about the cleanliness of it, or lack of. Do they wash their beard after eating soup with bits in it? Do they get the beard shampoo out after slurping on a milkshake? Do they kiss their mother’s cheek with the same fluffy mouth that was twenty minutes earlier performing clever tricks with the Mrs? Gross, I know, but you’d hope they’d wash their hands after a fumble so please tell me that they wash their hairy faces? I NEED TO KNOW!
Yes, I get it. I understand that the whole big beard thing is a trend/phase/style/look of an era – but unfortunately the top knot, tattoos and beard combo will soon be relegated to the same faddy laughing stock as the mullet and tache duo of the 80s (mind you, if the beards were shorter I’d be on it like a car bonnet). If not being a massive beard fan makes me an old bag and too past it to appreciate the sexiness of it, so be it. But I shall leave you with this…
And yet, I still stand by this: Every man DOES look better with a little bit of facial hair.
1. It adds colour to their face
2. It adds character
3. It adds mystique
4. It adds a bit of rough and ready
5. It looks like your man hasn’t been home for a few days because he’s that wild and crazy that he doesn’t care for all that boring stuff like grooming
Basically, where there’s heavy stubble there’s plenty of trouble. Yum!
But as with any sweeping statement, there are a few exceptions:
1. It doesn’t apply to any man who’s going grey, because white stubble isn’t as hot as dark stubble. Sorry.
2. Hobo is only a pair of nail scissors away from hot.
3. No goatees. Think David Brent… need I go on?
4. No mustaches. It’s not 1980 and if you are straight, no one will believe you.
5. Tom Hardy. I don’t know why, it has upset me to my very core… but put that hairy tache away Tom because you’ve seriously upset me now (by the way you are sex personified in every other guise, so don’t let that stop you from looking me up… everyone is allowed an off day).
So men, get your three day growth thing going on – it’s no coincidence my man gets laid more on a Sunday afternoon and on holiday than any other time of the year. Or, if you can bear that itchy stage then go the whole hog and keep going until your face is lovely and warm over Christmas. Just wash the bloody thing as often as your hands. Please! And if you are truly set on keeping your Movember tache… then take some inspiration from these beauties.
If you are going to be hairy then make every whisker count!
Note from Editor: It’s never too late to support victims of testicular and prostate cancer. Take a look at how you can donate or raise money in your country by visiting www.movember.com.