Can Those from the Opposite Sex Ever Be Truly Simpatico?
It has always been a keen area of discussion between men and women hasn’t it, our differences and not our similarities. How different are we as a species and why? Should we not be looking at how we can narrow the gap between the two and stop focusing on the void between us?
Leaving aside the ‘illuminating’ song of the same name by Justin Timberlake in Bad Teacher (if you haven’t heard it yet, it’s worth a listen!), what do we mean by ‘Simpatico’?
Compatibility and the ability to get on are a good starting point. Whilst men and women in relationships can at times achieve this nirvana, as many of us know the reality is more often one of inharmonious discord and a fundamental lack of understanding of each other. It’s a subject that has fascinated me for years.
I was not always a writer. I was once a City of London Lawyer. Married with four children and what I believed was a strong marriage. Until it wasn’t. My divorce left me with unanswered questions and taking to writing has helped me explore why it broke down. I look back now with hindsight, having learnt so much, and with clarity and understanding. I wish I knew then what I know now.
One of the quotes I live my life by now is:
“Before you act, listen. Before you react, think.
Before you spend, earn. Before you criticise, wait.
Before you pray,forgive. Before you quit, try.” (Ernest Hemingway)
One of the main conclusions I have reached in life (and have written about at great length) is the deep emotional divide between men and women and the endless problems that it creates on our journey through life, especially with our emotional interactions and particularly in relationships.
There seems to be no doubt that Men really are from Mars and Women from Venus. My experience of marriage, divorce and various other relationships over many decades is that, at its worst, it can often seem like a man and woman are trying desperately to talk to each other in different foreign languages, with a complete and inherent inability to understand each other.
Even worse, I believe that we approach so many issues, especially emotional ones, so differently that it’s not merely a difference in language that leads to blank stares and a lack of mutual comprehension, but something far worse. It is like one side communicating in binary computer programme speak, very scientific and (to them) flawlessly logical, leading to only one possible conclusion.
The other party stares back incomprehensively at the mathematical equations and nonsensical jumble of algorithms whilst quoting beautiful poetry and flowery prose to explain their own position. The gap is huge; the issues appear insurmountable as not only is it the language of the two sides, but the core concepts of each party in approaching the issue that are so different too.
Communication is of course key to any successful relationship. Many of us have experienced relationships where things may seem great at first, during the initial honeymoon period (however long that lasts). Ultimately though as the initial novelty fades, if there is no real communication, no fundamental connection that binds beyond the new, exciting sex or other aspects of the first few months, we can become like strangers (or more accurately realise that we always were).
We all know that there are many aspects to any relationship, some good, some bad. We are constantly weighing up how they balance each other out. It is an ongoing process, and as we add kids, grow older and spend more years together, things can change.
Add in the distractions of real life, the stresses and strains of modern living, the demands of work, the temptations of flings and affairs to break the monotony, and we have a boiling cauldron of human emotions constantly being stirred by all sorts of internal and external factors. We paper over the cracks and stay together for the greater good, but beware the schisms beneath the surface that if left unaddressed can lead to major chasms opening between couples than can never be repaired.
So what is my conclusion to this age-old dilemma? The key lesson I have learned is that you have to talk to each other. Even more importantly, you have to listen to one another – as the saying goes, the problem is that too many people listen only to reply, rather than to understand.
We of course have to acknowledge the differences between us. When you find a partner you truly connect with; where you can close the gap and overcome the differences; where you open up your heart and soul to that other person and achieve that indescribably warm feeling, my advice is work as hard as you can to keep it. Because once it’s gone, it can be hard to replace or ever find again. After all, I believe all those components are major parts of what we call love, and this Ray Bradbury quote is so true:
‘Looking back over a lifetime, you see that love was the answer to everything’.
(Note from The Editor. Many thanks to Cory Standby for writing as a house-guest. Cory is a former City of London lawyer who left the legal world to become an Author. His book 50! …. The Life, Loves & Psyche of a Male Mid-Life Crisis has now been published and Cory does not plan on slowing down any time soon. Read more about Cory here on his author page or visit his website: www.50coryystandby.com.)
