Selfie-Snapper or Shameless Flirt… Which One are You?
Well, we have all been there… be it on the top table or at the single’s table, you are unlikely to have made it into your adulthood without having been invited to a few weddings. Being the ultimate people watcher, other than an airport, a wedding is one of my favourite places to sit back and analyze those around me and secretly put you all into little boxes.
So, here is my ultimate rundown of the 10 people you’ll find at a wedding. Can you spot which box you fall into?
1. The Insufferable Selfie-Snapper
Since those dreaded smart phones came along, out the window went our disposable cameras and all of a sudden selfie sticks and forward facing cameras showed up just to ruin the day! There is nothing more annoying than watching the narcissistic guest in the pew in front of you trying to perfect their facial expression for a ‘wedding selfie’. Even worse… those who state – in a voice loud enough to rival the vicars… “Oh that’s a wedding selfie that just has to go on Facebook.” Hey dude, how about facing forward and looking at the nervous-as-shit groom at the front of the church? You are missing all the real entertainment!
2. The Group Dance Instructor
This is generally one of the hen party members. The girl who stands up on the dance floor and tries to teach everyone the moves to the dance they were all doing on that very drunken night in Ibiza. You know… the one where she snogged the Spanish bar man half the way through the dance? Hold your trays cater waiters… she will be after you next!
3. Champagne Charlie
There is always one isn’t there?! The ceremony is over and the welcome drinks are being distributed – but Champagne Charlie has a glass in each hand, drains both and grabs for more. Slow down buddy, you have the whole night ahead of you. Wait… no… you will be under the table before the starter plates have been cleared. And if it’s a young guy, you will usually find him staggering in close proximity to the bridesmaids.
4. The Couple Hogger
The wedding greeting line can be a blessing or a curse. Make sure you join the queue before the ‘couple hogger’. This is normally a family member who uses the greeting line to go into the intricate details of his recent colonoscopy or fill the happy couple in on the details of Jack and Jill’s messy divorce. Because this is of course the perfect place for that.
6. Little Miss Inappropriate
Now I know there is no actual instruction manual stating what not to wear to a wedding… but I am pretty sure that trying to upstage the bride in a flowing white gown and diamond studded shoes is totally inappropriate… The same would go for the mini skirt and stripper heels that Aunt Margaret has opted for.
7. The Aspiring Photographer
Bless him, he doesn’t realise he is breaking the etiquette rules. In his mind, he will be taking some amazing pictures of the wedding that the professional simply ‘can’t get’. He has little or no regard for the professionals as he bumps up and down the aisle during the ceremony or weaves his way in and out of the couple during their first dance. Now I would love to say that this person will be holding a camera roughly 3 times the imagined size of his member, but no, generally he will be using his iPhone… because that’s the way you take photos these days dontcha know.
9. The Inappropriate Grandma
It was all fun and games until Grandma Marge started twerking with the groom.
10. The Shameless Flirt
She doesn’t care who is married and who is not, this night is all about her flirting with as many future prospects as possible. Because 50% of all marriages end in divorce anyway, right?! She will flirt with your husband and giggle with the groom and do it all with a smile on her face and a quick ‘oh I’m just being sociable’ glint in her eye.
