From the Guests Point of View
We all know that feeling – the envelope pops through the letterbox and plops onto the doormat. The pretty calligraphy on the invite shining in the morning sun. The scented paper that you can imagine took a million hours and a few ‘discussions’ for the bride and groom-to-be to choose… and the dread that sneaks into the pit of excitement filling your stomach.
Your friend is getting married, and you couldn’t be happier right? He or she has finally found love. Someone to settle down and share all life’s amazing pleasures with. The proposal was romantic, the date has been set and everyone is talking about ‘the dress’ and planning the amazing hen night.
But – and this is a big but… there is the tiny part of your brain that is already clocking up how much this is all going to cost… for you!
The bride and groom are prepared for the cost of the wedding. It is likely that the families of both sides are now pulling the purse strings tighter, budgets are being made and cost cutting deals put in place. After all, we all know just how expensive ‘the big day’ can be.
So imagine my utter shock, when I recently read an article about a poor guest who received a letter from a friend complaining about the wedding gift they were given. Apparently the £100 cheque, generously given to the newlywed couple, was not ‘sufficient’.
The wording of the email made me choke on my G&T:
“We were surprised that your contribution didn’t seem to match the warmth of your good wishes on our big day. In view of your own position, if you wanted to send any adjustment it would be thankfully received.”
Are they for real? If I had received a cheque from a friend for £100 on my big day, I would have handed it straight back. Although generous, it is (in my mind) far too generous for a friend to spend yet another £100 on me, having already spent so much.
When a couple decides to get married, the cost of the wedding and the venue, the food and entertainment, it can all stack up pretty quick. We are all aware of that. But the cost of a wedding will (or should) only be something you will take into consideration once in your lifetime. It is a one-off expense that most brides save up years for (or the couples’ parents have been planning for since the day they were born). For a guest, we can be invited to upwards of 4 or even 5 weddings in a one year period. And given the cycle of life, it always seems to be that when one person gets married, everyone gets married. The ‘year of the weddings’ can panic even those with a healthy bank balance.
For those of you a little confused at my position on the matter, let me break it down for you.
Engagement
Your friend is engaged! You had that late night phone call and screams down the phone. The ring looks amazing and everyone is already talking about the Engagement Party. Cha-ching – that is the first load of money to consider. There is the engagement gift, the engagement party outfit, the hair appointment for the big night, most will even go as far as getting a manicure or spray tan. Because it’s a big night, and everyone wants to make an effort. Then of course you have to think about the cost of the drinks on the evening. Holy hell it’s gonna be an expensive one and you haven’t even gotten to the big day yet.
Costing
Outfit: £50
New Shoes: £40
Hair-up: £50
Beauty Treatments: £40
Drinks: £150
Engagement gift: £50 minimum (Because you don’t want to look like you don’t care!)
Hen Night
It seems that it is becoming more and more popular these days for the hen ‘night’ to turn into a hen ‘weekend’ or hen ‘holiday abroad’! Don’t get me wrong, it’s fabulous – after all who doesn’t love an excuse to pop off to a spa for a weekend, or spend a week sipping cocktails on a beach somewhere. But it is expensive no matter how you shake it.
All in all, the weekend or week away can cost anything between £200/£400! And again, the big day hasn’t even happened yet! And if you are a ‘true’ friend, you won’t want to say you can’t make it. And don’t forget, the hen has to have a hen outfit, you may have to buy a fancy dress costume and then you have all the sashes, willie straws and ‘L’ plates to chip in for… because those are for the girls to pay for, not the hen!
Costing
Hen holiday: £300 Average
Outfit/Clothes: £200
Hen weekend paraphernalia: £50 average
Drinks/Spending money: £200
The Big Day
So all the other celebrations are out of the way now, and everyone is gearing up for the big day. But you can’t turn up to the wedding in the same dress you wore to the Engagement party. So you get the credit card out again. But don’t forget, you either have travel to/from the venue to think about (a taxi of course, because you will be far too jolly on the champers to drive back home) or if you are pushing the boat out, you may even have a night at a hotel with the other half to enjoy the benefits of the champers in your own special way. Babysitters for those with kids of course… the costs are stacking up again!
I am of course assuming that the wedding is taking place in the same country as you – we won’t factor in those weddings that you have to fly abroad for, because that will just take the figures way out there and I am trying to be a little more realistic rather than sensationalistic.
Costing
Outfit: £100
Shoes:£50
Make-up/Hair: £50
Drinks on the night: £150
Babysitter/Hotel/Travel: £100
Brace Yourself – This May Hurt!
So all in all, before you have even considered a wedding gift, you are looking at an average of around £1500.
£1500!!!!!
And that is before a gift
Now don’t get me wrong, I have spent way more than this on a friend’s wedding before. I have flown across country for the hen weekend as well as the wedding, paid for a holiday abroad, paid for the cost of the entire hen night for a friend and all of the guests. I have gone to town on wedding gifts and thought “to hell with the budget” on more occasions than I care to admit. And I do so because they are friends and this is the most important moment of their lives. It is a special day and they have thought well enough of me to invite me to share one of the most important memories they will ever create. I am honoured and so the money means nothing to me.
However, if said ‘friend‘ then sent an email to say that the wedding gift was ‘not sufficient‘ enough, well, needless to say that friend would not be a friend for much longer.
So Much More than Just a Wedding!
I think when people plan a wedding, many forget the significance of the day in favour of the grandness of the event.
A wedding is not about the size of the dress, the number of guests or how many sugar roses you can pile on top of a 4-tier wedding cake. It is about finally becoming one family with the man or woman you love and sharing that special day with the closest family and friends. It is about sharing vows in front of people who will be there to support you as a couple through the tough years (because there will be tough years) and knowing that those who heard you utter “in sickness and in health” will be there to help pick you up when you have the blazing rows and hard marriage challenging days.
These gifts will travel with your through your life and your marriage. Your guests will be with you on your big day and share your marriage with you in the most subtle but most beautiful of ways. The sheets or the duvet cover on the bed that you will lay on with your husband or wife, or the wine glasses you fill during your first ‘married couple’ dinner party.
So, Bridezillas out there – instead of looking at the cost of the gift, look at what the person has bought you. Look at the memories you will make with that gift. What that person buys you, be it a silver dipped frame to put that special wedding picture in, a toaster to make the toast for each other on mother’s or father’s day, or a vase that will host the flowers that your other half buys the day after your big row… that is what is important.
Guests – stop thinking about trying to buy the most expensive gift. Think about how you will share that gift with the special couple. Wedding gifts are not about cost, but significance. It’s about sharing a special day with someone you care about, but then enriching that person’s life throughout the marriage you were there to witness.
In a world where material objects seem to take precedence over emotions and significance. Maybe it’s time we get back to basics.
Don’t look at the cost of the wedding, or the wedding prep for that matter. Look at the couple. The family they are creating. The memories you will be involved in helping them make.
