We ALL lie to our kids – yes, even you!
We have all heard the rhyme – “Liar Liar, Pants on Fire”.
As children we are taught not to tell porky pies, we are even shown the Disney movie Pinocchio in the hope it will terrify us into believing our noses will grown exponentially if we do. So when we become adults with our own mini broods, when do we decide that it’s ok to lie again?
There are little lies that every parent tells – and these lies are totally acceptable. Here are just 5 of those lies, an explanation as to why they are justifiable porky pies and, just because I am nice, I have even rated them on our “Glass House Naughty Scale”.
1 = Don’t sweat it. That’s not naughty at all!
10 = Wow – darling you are going to hell for that one!
1: Santa is watching you – he sees everything.
Let’s face it folks, it doesn’t matter what time of the year it is; we will all use the nearest holiday or celebration to bribe our kids. When I was a naïve young lady, pregnant with my first little peanut, I vowed not to be one of those parents that used bribery – but within the first week of being a parent I was at it already. “Please just go to sleep. I promise if you go to sleep right now I will give you the biggest hug in the world when you wake up!”
As the children get older, you realize that the rewards have to increase. A hug will no longer suffice and even the promise of a sweetie or a favorite movie won’t make them bat an eyelid. So at around 3 years old, when they suddenly begin to understand the concept, you bring in the big guns. Santa! Oh yes, that jolly happy man with the big belly solves a lot of problems in our home.
“If you don’t clean your room right now, Santa will not bring you any presents. He is watching you. He can see everything. Do you want a lump of coal in your stocking?”
Things got even better for me a few years back when I discovered the Elf on a Shelf… Oh YES – some clever mummy thought up this idea I am sure of it. Stick a plastic Elf on a shelf and tell your kids that this creepy little dude is reporting back to Santa and be AMAZED at how quick that dinner table is set.
On the Glass House Naughty Scale – I would rate this at 1/10. Not naughty at all. In fact, I think that as a parent if you DON’T use the Santa card there is something wrong with you!
2: The park is closed today for repairs (clearly a lie!)
I have to admit that this is one lie I’ve used more than a few times, but now that my kids are getting older and far more intelligent it simply doesn’t stick anymore. So although this is a naughty lie, it has a shelf life – so I say use it while you can! We all have those days where we simply can’t be bothered to pace around a park watching the little monsters run in circles around the same piece of plastic while we are thinking of the amount of dishes that are on the sideboard needing to be washed, or the clothes in the hamper that have been there so long they might actually grow legs and walk themselves to the washing machine! Some days, especially when it’s raining and grey, all you want to do is get stuff done, or sit on the sofa with your munchkins and snuggle. On those days… in my house at least… the park mysteriously closes for repairs!
On the Glass House Naughty Scale I rate this a 5/10. This is a reasonably naughty one in my book – especially as we all know that the early years don’t last long and we should be out enjoying every moment while we can. However, I am also a realist and sometimes you just need time to get shit done. Use it with caution, but use it while you can because the shelf life on this lie is probably lower than most.
3: I don’t know where that toy is, you must have lost it.
We all have them. Those toys that we hide – be it in the cupboard in the kitchen that no-one ever uses or the shelf in your wardrobe where you know the kids can’t reach. Everyone has them, because everyone has those annoying relatives that buy the nosiest most hateful gifts each and every year. The recorder that no one can play more than one shrill note from, the bubble machine with its stupid Dora the Explorer music from dawn until dusk, or the face paints… yep they were a great idea! How about we give a 3 year old girl a block of face paints so that when we turn our backs the whole living room wall is covered in bright red sticky glue-like paint that wont come off for love nor money. Yep. Fab idea Aunty Jean, thanks for that!
This is a lie that I know all parents use and it’s for protection more than anything. Because you know if they play with these toys you are likely to be wrapped up in a white straight jacket and thrown in a padded cell.
“Oh darling, I have no idea where your Hello Kitty Microphone is… maybe you lost it.” Yep, I am going to hell for that one, but it’s a hit I will take because it saves me loosing my cool. You can’t possibly tell me you haven’t done this even once? Go ahead, I dare you to lie to me!
So, the Glass House Naughty Scale meter reads this one at a whopping 8/10. Hell, we know its naughty, we know we are going to join the devil and his pals down under for hiding their favorite toys… but do we care? Nope. Because sanity is much more important… and you can guarantee your darling kids will be doing the very same thing in years to come when you rock up at Christmas with a Drum Kit for your gorgeous grandchild. Oh darling kids, Karma is a bitch!
4: Of course I’m listening. Yes, darling, I’m watching…
Children have this amazing ability to find everything in the world incredibly exciting. They roll a ball along a table and it falls off the other end and it’s as if they have discovered Newton’s Apple falling from the tree. Again and again and again they roll the ball and each time it falls from the table and despite the fact you watched it the first 50 times, they will still need you to watch it again for the 51st time. But you don’t. You lie.
The child shouts, “mummy watch, watch, mummy watch me” as you are ironing the school shirts and making dinner and cleaning up dog poop all at the same time. This is when it is ok to say “yes, darling, of course I am watching,” whilst strategically turning your head at exactly the right moment for them to catch you looking, grinning and holding thumbs up. Naughty mummy.
The same can be said for listening. This generally applies to when your kids are singing that same God-damn Frozen song over and over. “Yes, darling, I’m listening.” The first time they sing it and remember all the words you are so incredibly proud – and rightly so! But a YEAR down the line they are still singing the bloody song and now it’s just annoying, and repetitive, and brings tears to your eyes for a whole new reason. This is when it is ok to say “yes, of course I am listening” whilst secretly flicking that switch behind your ears that allows you to tune out all un-necessary noise.
Glass House Naughty Scale – 4/10. I would of course say higher, because it is never nice to blatantly ‘ignore’ your children, but honestly you’re not really ignoring them. You heard or saw them the first 50 times. It also harps back to the sanity clause. It’s ok to lie, if it keeps you sane.
5: It wont hurt. I promise
We have ALL used this one. So much so I don’t think it needs nearly as much explanation. 99% of us have had to take our children to the doctors at some point for their injections. You know damn well its going to hurt and you know damn well you will have to endure screaming and crying; but up until such time occurs, you replace your fearful expression with that of happiness and joy, convincing yourself and your mini beast that it wont hurt at all. Only you know damn well it will.
This is a totally acceptable lie to tell in my book, and it is one that I will never stop using. Even when my daughters are grown adults and pregnant with their first children, I will be the mother sat beside them saying “it doesn’t hurt at all baby – and no, even the epidural is painless”. Because that is my job. To minimize fear. To make sure my kids think that everything in life is okay and pain free. God only knows there are enough scaremongers out there willing to tell them otherwise – but come to mummy and I will tell you everything will be alright. Even if deep down I know it isn’t true.
This is the ONE lie that I will give a 0/10 score for on the Glass House Naughty Scale and damn me to hell if you think I am wrong; but in my opinion, you cant tell your kids enough that “it wont hurt” or “the pain of your first heartbreak will go away soon” or “everything will be okay”. These are guilt-free lies… because if they want the truth – they can go to Dad. In the meantime, mummy will keep the world rosy, happy and pain free!
So – they are my Top 5 Big Fat Lies We All Tell Our Kids. There are of course hundreds more… Take a look at these, for example. What would you rate these as on the naughty scale? Do you have others you would add?
– Drink up all your milk – it will make you strong
– Eat all your carrots so you can see in the dark
– If you make that face again and the wind changes, your face will stay that way forever!
– Oh I don’t know – ask your dad. (To all the questions you know the answer to but cant be bothered)
– It’s bedtime! (Half an hour before bedtime – just so you can get some extra ‘you’ time)
– Yes, we are nearly there (ten minutes into a three hour car journey – just to stop the incessant questions)
– If you don’t hurry up – I will leave without you.
– I have no pennies left for another sweetie/park ride/ice cream.
– I can see you, I have eyes in the back of my head!
