How Dare You!
I was lucky enough recently to go on a family trip abroad. Not a family holiday, more or a recce to a country my husband plans to move his family to. A scary but exciting trip to a new city in a new country with so much to do in a short space of time.
With my husband already there, I chose to travel alone with my two kids. Bright, intelligent and already, at only 5 and 7, very well traveled. They are a dream to fly with. I had no fears about the trip and high expectations.
But, as much as my children are easy to globe-trot with, I am more than aware that we are not a perfect family. We are simply a ‘normal’ family. I try my best to discipline them to the best of my ability and believe myself to be a fair and just mother… most of the time. My kids are not bad kids. 90% of the time they do as they are told. But 10% of the time… they are kids!
One evening, we chose to eat at an American style Diner inside one of the local theme park areas. It was gorgeous and exciting and the menu had both my girls acting like kids at Christmas. We were on holiday as far as they were concerned so they were allowed a treat. After studying the menu hard, they both chose the ‘style your own hot dogs’, and ice-cream milkshakes.
I am well aware that this is not a balanced and healthy diet. There was not a single vegetable in sight and the milkshake was bigger than their heads. But they had been utterly amazing all day. Patient, well behaved and they are on holiday so why not push the boat out?
Further to that, God Damn it, I am a mother and should be able to make decisions for my children without fear of judgement.
When the meals arrived my girls’ faces lit up – of course they tucked into the milkshake straight away and drank half the glass before taking a breath.
A woman sat at a table just across the aisle from me chose this moment to shoot me, what I can only describe as a Superman style laser look of disdain. The heat from the painful glare actually bore into my very core. So much so, my husband even noticed, and he never ever notices anything!
At this point I took the glasses away and mentioned that they did actually need to eat some ‘food’ before filling up on ice-cream milkshakes. My face was already burning with embarrassment.
Then the inevitable happened. Neither of the girls actually wanted the food in front of them.
I (quietly) had a discussion with my youngest and explained that she had to eat her food. After 10 minutes of trying to be nice I then explained that if she didn’t, we wouldn’t be going on any more rides.
Queue Superman laser stare number 2. Just as painful, if not more so than the first.
Yes, I am aware that this is bribery! I am also aware of the fact that before I had children, I was one of ‘those’ mothers that said she would never bribe her children, or let them watch too much TV. But… then I became a mum and grew the f**k up!
Anyway, I bribed her and of course it didn’t work. She started crying.
Queue the third laser stare from the judgemental bitch across the room. I was beginning to get that anger feeling rising in my stomach and my husband noticed, placing a calming hand on top of mine before backing me up with the children. “Come on kids, you have to eat something. Do as your mum says!”
The backup helped more than he will ever know. At least I had the approval of my husband. I clearly was being branded as the worst mother ever from a complete stranger.
This woman, with her perfect picture postcard family, sat taking selfies with her pristine quiet and respectful children, was once again scowling, but now at both of us.
How Dare You!
I don’t often feel judged. In my life I try not to take too much notice of what other people think.
I parent to the best of my ability, my children are fed, watered, clothed, happy and educated. In my mind that is a win.
But this woman was now getting on my last remaining and increasingly short nerve…
So… to the woman who judged me in the restaurant… this is for you. A small peek into a world that you may NOT have known before you scowled at the woman across the room.
**Did you know that this poor girl, who is only 5 years old, had spent the entire day being dragged from house to boring house while her parents were searching for their new home? Bored out of her mind, confused and tired?
**Did you know that because she had been dragged around countless boring houses, she was overtired and at 9pm at night was already 2 hours past her bedtime?
**Did you know that because of the two points above, her outburst of tears was more than expected and scowling at a 5 year old for crying in a restaurant put unnecessary pressure on an already stressed and exhausted mother?
**Did you know that this particular young girl spent the first few months of her life struggling to survive due to stomach complications. Yes, the parents are more than aware that a milkshake and hot dog is not an ideal dinner menu, but 90% of the time, this young girl eats nothing but a healthy fruit and veg filled diet and having a treat is just that- a treat!
**Did you also know that because we are travelling, this poor girls tummy is in knots and she hadn’t eaten anything all day. So bribing her to eat ‘something… anything’ was less child abuse and more an indication of worry from a parent that the poor girl had not eaten all day and she would be happy for her to eat anything at this stage?
The scowls that you threw at the already tired, stressed and nervous wreck of a mother only left her feeling inadequate.
Are you aware that this poor mum is in the process of trying to move her entire family to this alien country and is nervous about bringing her children to a new place and your attitudes only serve to make her question the ‘type of people‘ she is likely to encounter?
Did you consider any of that at all while you were scowling from across the room?
No – no you did not. You simply sat there, with your perfect picture postcard family, your two older teenage children (who might I remind you were once children too) and your glass of wine, judging the parental actions of another woman.
Please people. Think before you act. Think before you judge. You have no idea why that child is crying in the restaurant. You have no clue how much the mother and father are dealing with, or the background of the child involved.
Who are we to judge a book by its cover? Who are we to judge any mother at all for simply being a mother?
Think before you judge – you have no idea how much one scowl can harm another.
