News Just in, the Average Size of a Pecker is…
Finally, I now know the answer to the question ‘Is his penis big enough?!
My quest has come to an end, my willy watch is over and I can put down my measuring tape. Findings have just come in for a study regarding the average length of a man’s penis. Proper scientists have gathered the data in a lot-less-fun way than I did and reached their conclusion. And the results are that the average schlong is…well…pretty small.
If there is one thing that will make every man doubt himself, no matter their background, earnings or physical stature, it’s the size of their manhood. You can guarantee that when you want to kick them where it hurts, verbally as well as physically, it’s between their legs.
Poor sods. I feel bad for them.
We women are luckier. We can have big bazookers or be flat as a pancake; there will still be guys out there that like one or the other (or, in most cases, both). No matter the state of our boobs, they just have to hang on in there and they still serve their purpose. And as for our hoohas, well, every hole is a goal (or so they say) – just leave it uncovered and think of England, not much effort required there.
But men? Their appendage is a tool, a working asset that has many jobs to fulfill and places to fill. It has to stand to attention when commanded and it has to make its intentions felt – literally – no matter what it’s being stuck into and who has filled the position previously. So no wonder the poor bastards are always worrying whether their package is up to standard.
Well now they needn’t panic any further because the British Journal of Urology has published not only data and statistics regarding length and girth of the average male member (under some bullshit guise of male Body Dysmophic Disorder patients needing to know they are normal, not – as I presume – because every male scientist in the land has been after that research grant so they can feel normal), but they have also added a handy graph with percentile breakdowns. And the diagram is just the right size to print out and keep in your purse, ladies. Hurray, who doesn’t love a chart!
So what is the average length of a penis? Drum roll please….a measly 5.2 inches.
Five? FIVE? What happened to SIX inches? I don’t remember much about the shit my teenage friends and I gossiped about at school, but one fact that was undisputed was that the average length of a man’s prick was six inches. In fact, to this day, that is the only thing I don’t measure in centimeters. Who lobbed off the rest? I have my hunches that the scientist conducting the research has a shriveled chipolata and has evened out the odds.
So there we have it. The quest is over. That one guy you once slept with that had a big cock? He was a glorious one-off. And the others that you were bitterly disappointed with? They were normal. Shit!
Lads, I’m sorry, but you may not like what I am about to tell you.
Women talk about sex. A lot. Yep – and you thought it was all shopping and kiddy talk. And because our conversations go beyond the ‘Did you pull last night? Yeah, fucking great. You? No, had a wank’ format, like the average male, we go into detail. Lots of it. To be honest things do change once you get married because you are hardly going to slag off your man’s bedroom prowess when a) you have promised to be with him, and only sleep with him, for the rest of your married life (bugger) and b) your mates have to see him at the next school assembly and neighborhood barbecue and you don’t need them checking out the shapes beneath his loose slacks.
But we DO talk about past conquests and their willies. And men, if you are not already covering your face with your hands in horror, or crying huge ugly sobs, we also laugh about them. A lot. Because your phallus is funny. Cocks aren’t sexy to look at, they aren’t horny to touch, but they do come in oh so many strange and wondrous shapes and sizes.
Let me elaborate on the pecker pecking order (with the help of my friend’s gory tales because, thankfully, not all of these stories are mine) and what to do with them!
1. The ‘Fuck off, that is not going anywhere near me’ Penis
See boys, not every woman’s dream is to spend the night sitting on a bollard. Yes, you can have too much of a good thing. So no matter how great an actress that porn star is…unless her black hole has been stretched to infinity and beyond…it’s not all that pleasant. A long time back I went home with a sailor. He was a doll – pretty to look at, hard all over, but with very little to say – and when he whipped it out (well, more ‘wrestled’ than ‘whipped’) it took all my strength to suppress a gasp. He looked at me expectantly, no doubt others before me had stood open (watery) eyed surveying his totem pole of love and exclaimed their surprise, but I kept my cool. No idea what he expected me to do with it though, short of adding some ribbons to the tip and dance around the bloody thing. I managed, I’m not complaining, but you can’t go hell for leather when you feel like a piece of meat on a very sharp kebab stick.
2. Banana Man Penis
Cocks are straight, except for when they are not. My first time with a bendy one was a revelation, it was like trying to clean the u-bend of the loo. Okay, shit analogy, but you catch my drift. Then I tried the ‘cowgirl facing forward’ position and wham! The G spot does exist after all. That is all I have to say about that. Be inventive…don’t give up!
3. The Creative Penis
I haven’t had the pleasure of a pierced or tattooed dick, but my friends have. Some loved it, some were scared, most were just nervous the Prince Albert stud was going to get caught up in their unruly pubic hair or do some damage to their insides. As for tattoos, who goes to the tattoo parlour (Parlour? Please! How stupidly quaint), flops it out and says ‘here you go, make this pretty’? That man is either brave, weird or crazy. I’ll just keep mine un-embellished thanks!
4. The ‘Come out, come out, wherever you are’ Penis
I’ve been lucky, I’ve never encountered one of these. But my friends have, and it’s awkward for all involved. It’s awkward to even talk about it. It’s just sad, and disappointing, and involves lots of pretending and lies. ‘Oh yeah, big boy, you really hit my spot’ (while you check your Facebook messages on your phone) and him ‘yeah, take that, tell me you love my cock’ when he knows it’s not even in yet. I want to cry.
5. Pencil Prick Penis
Men, it’s not all about the length you know. Yeah yeah, you have a long schlong. Yep, you are in the 10th percentile of the special growth chart that’s just been published…but you aren’t very wide. If I needed you to reach that penny I just dropped at the bottom of my lady well then no doubt you would reach, but I still can’t feel you. Just the jab, jab, jab of you poking me somewhere beneath my ribs. Believe me, guys, it’s not nice. It’s like someone trying to get your attention from the inside.
6. The Nice and Comfy Penis
I know, I know, ‘nice’ and ‘comfy’ are words your granny uses and the least sexy description of a man’s dangly bits that you can imagine. But, as all us ladies know, the normal ones are the best. Not too big, not too small, not too wide, and not too narrow. Wow, we are fussier than Goldilocks. But the perfect penis reaches places others can’t, they fill you up and don’t let you down. You know when you have found ‘the one’ because he is a perfect fit. See, just like Cinderella…if it fits, marry him. Now that would have made for an interesting alternative ending!
They say that it’s not the size of the vessel but how you sail it. I say bollocks to that!
Other than rhythm, depth and speed, there isn’t anything more elaborate the penis can manage (the fingers and mouth, on the other hand, are the King and Queen of the bedroom – but that’s for another day) so don’t think that being a sexpert will make up for the fact that your prick doesn’t touch the sides.
My suggestion to any man reading this is to make sure that by the time you have finished with the foreplay your lady is so spent she will take you as you are. And ladies, do your pelvic floor exercises (no guy wants to chuck his sausage down an alleyway) and concentrate when you get to third base so there are no ugly surprises. And don’t forget your handy graph, that way your man will feel all chuffed with himself that his stretches to nearly six inches.
6 inches? Wow, what a whopper!
