Don’t worry – I’m here with the Answers, Boys!
Man, oh man. You gotta love men.
We all know they are simple creatures and just want an easy life with as little complication as possible. Yet time after time they fall in love with women, those not-so-simple creatures that love a bit of complication, excitement and good old fashioned drama. And it exhausts and confuses men in equal measure. Poor souls.
I know I can be a tad harsh at times to the male of the species. Okay, very harsh. In fact when I wrote ‘I Don’t Understand Men‘ I didn’t expect the reaction I received. Men weren’t happy – clearly – they thought it was US that were a fucking nightmare and hard to understand. So I did some research ie spoke to a lot of men (nice work if you can get it) and discovered the top 10 things men want to ask women.
You ready, girls? You want to hear the naked truth?
You ready, boys? You want to get some answers?
Well here we go…
1. Why does getting ready for a special occasion take you all day?
Tom asked: ‘I don’t get it. When we have a party to go to my girlfriend starts getting ready at 4 pm. Who needs four hours to get ready? She looks just as nice when she takes twenty minutes. Then she always has a last minute panic and puts on the same outfit as she started with. It drives me mad!’
Oh Tom. The age old problem of ‘I have nothing to wear’. Even in the time of Cavemen, Neanderthals would be pacing the boulders until sundown, waiting for their women to finish applying berry juice to their lips and choose between the deer hide or the bear skin. The truth is that we actually enjoy getting ready; especially back when there was no husband waiting downstairs and we had our mates round, music blaring and bubbles flowing while sharing eye-shadow shades and gossip about what guy we were hoping to pull that night. Getting ready for a big event is a magical time – you start off with wet hair, baggy pants and a boring face, and finish off looking like a spanxed-up starlet. It’s a buzz, seeing the Before and After, and it makes us feel pampered and special if we also get to have our nails or hair done beforehand. You may not get to see the small efforts, but our female friends will, and they are the ones we are trying to impress.
2. Why do women go to the toilet in packs?
Sam said: ‘When a big group of us is out in a bar or club, why does my girlfriend always go to the toilet with her friends? And then I’ve heard they all go into the same cubicle together? It’s weird.’
One word – queues. And queues are boring. Plus groping hands, because when you are in a packed club and on the way to the loos, you have to pass the bar, and blokes try it on. So you get less hassle if you are in a pack. And as for watching each other pee? Well it’s just to save time and keep chatting (which you can’t do in a nightclub due to the loud music)… as simple as that. But you boys can keep imagining some sordid lesbo action, if that’s your kinda thing. It’s not what happens, but we don’t care.
3. Why do girls spend a fortune on an outfit and only wear in once?
Chris: ‘This really pisses me off. My girlfriend spends over a hundred quid on a lovely dress for a special event, and then never wears it again! It’s crazy. It’s taken her all day to find it, she looks great in it, she wears it once then says she can’t wear it again. When I have a shirt I love I wear it all the time. I don’t understand.’
Oh life must be so difficult for you boys. So many confusing and illogical scenarios to decipher on a daily basis! Well this one is also very easy to answer – we don’t want to be seen in the same dress twice. Because it’s easy for the men, they can wear the same pair of trousers all week, but with a different shirt or jumper, and voila they are sporting a completely different look. But a dress covers the whole body, so it’s hard to look that different. If it’s an LBD (Little Black Dress, for all you non women) then it may get a second airing teamed up with a completely different jacket and jewelry. But with so many photos out there plastered all over social media and websites, the idea of us looking the same at TWO events and people thinking we only have one dress is too much anxiety to deal with. Plus we want an excuse to buy a new outfit for every night out.
4. Why don’t you want to take things easy at the beginning of a relationship?
Mike: ‘Why do women say they are happy to ‘take a relationship slowly’, but are lying! Men don’t want to rush in and women say that’s fine, but within a few weeks they try and pin us down. It takes us a while to commit… they should just be honest at the beginning if they want something more serious.’
Cake. You can’t have it and eat it, boys! Do you realise how many men we have at our disposal on a daily basis? How many men will shag us if we booty call them? How easy it is for us to pull? So when we say yes to you (for a date, not fucking marriage) then that makes you special. And special you should feel. So of course we will play it cool and nonchalantly tell you that we don’t want anything serious, see how it goes blah blah – but really we have shortlisted you (which takes a lot of effort) and want our reward. Commitment. We don’t really want to agree to ‘seeing how things go’ (AKA you seeing if anything better comes along), because you are our ‘better’. But we will make you think that you are running the show and the clever among us will take you right up to the altar – all the while you thinking that the journey was on your terms and at your speed. And, God damn it, you should be thankful that you won out of all our suitors!
5. Why do you expect us to read your mind?
Scott: ‘Why do women say men never help them around the house, or with the kids, but they don’t ask for our help?’
You know who we ask for help from? Our co-workers, our assistants, our kids… as in people who are put on this earth to do as we (politely) ask them to. Not our partners! Because we expect you to SEE when we need your help, and to WANT to help us. Can you hear the commotion of the children banging at the bathroom door while I’m trying to crap? Do I need to tell you to entertain them? Can you see me surrounded by washing up, unfolded laundry, an uncooked dinner and a dirty floor? Then why are you chilling out in front of the TV, waiting to be asked to help? Just do it! Otherwise we ask, you don’t hear, we ask again, we get called a nagging old cow, we feel bad, we then feel indignant and angry, we then have a go at you… and you don’t understand why. So when in doubt, just do something – plus it ups your chances of getting laid.
6. Why do you talk so much?
Bob: ‘My wife goes on, and on, and on about the same thing. Or talks over the football, or in the cinema, or when it’s clear I just need ten minutes silence when I get in from work. And why does she use a million words when one will do?’
Because we are decompressing. Women’s brains are like a computer with 3,680,451 tabs open. And we are dealing with every single one of those issues, at the same time, all the time. So we have a lot to think about and a lot to tell you. Plus some of us lack the filter between our brains and our mouths, so info just drops down from our heads and out of our gob before we have a chance to wonder whether it’s important, relevant, interesting or appropriate. Sorry about that. And as much as we need to remember that you need to go into your metaphorical cave after a tough day – you need to chill for a bit or zone out with your computer game, go fishing, read the paper, potter in the shed or watch the boxing – we need to let it all out. It’s like squeezing a big oozing boil that just needs to be released. You don’t even have to join in, just let us close down some of our brain tabs and don’t feel you need to solve our problems or suggest solutions. Just say ‘yep, I agree, poor you, is that so?’ and we will all feel a lot better. Or in man talk (ie less words) – let us get it all out, then we feel better and more chilled.
7. Why do you want to be so skinny?
Sam: ‘Too skinny isn’t sexy, but my wife is so strict with herself about what she eats and how often she goes to the gym. I like something to hold on to at night!’
Silly, I know. Very rarely will a man tell a woman he needs her thinner. We know that men love round tits, big butts, womanly curves and a lack of sharp ribs (am I right?) but other women don’t like that. And contrary to popular belief, we don’t look like this for men – we want to look as good as the hot girls. Clothes are made to look good on women that look like supermodels, so we know if our bodies look closer to them then we will look better in clothes (even though fabric is easier to change the shape of than a wobbly body). We also want people to know we look after ourselves, eat well and aren’t lazy. We also want other women to look at us and think ‘wow’… because we are a bit shallow like that. So, regardless of the fact you like a full thigh and bouncy boobs, we will look the way we want to look for our fellow ladies. And, let’s face it, you will still sleep with us regardless – because no woman has ever been dumped for having a firm arse!
8. What the hell is in your handbag?
Paul: ‘Women’s handbags weigh a tonne! Do they really need all that crap?’
Yes. We do. We need it ALL. Because a woman’s life is full and complicated – and we don’t want to get caught out when a crisis arises.
YOU: Wallet, keys, phone – in pocket.
US: Ready for any eventuality – tissues, chewing gum, diary, make up, pens, toys for kids, tampax, spare knickers (for us girls on the pull, or us mums with potty training kids), sweets, hair ties, sunglasses, umbrella, enough receipts to wallpaper your home with (because it’s us that do most of the shopping) and of course a purse the size of your car, mobile phone and a bunch of keys with twenty key rings, alarm fob and USB drive hanging off it. And guess what? Women don’t have pockets! For some reason fashion designers have decided that we need to fuck our backs up before ruining the contours of our silhouettes, so we can’t just run out of the house with keys and phone as we have nowhere to put them. Hence the big bags. But you know what we don’t need in our bag? Your phone and wallet, that you always insist on us carrying. You have pockets, use them!
Michelle Carl via Flickr
9. Why own and wear shoes that don’t fit?
Charlie: ‘My daughters have shoes in their wardrobe that hurt their feet – but still wear them! Are the right pair of shoes worth bunions, blisters and sore feet?’
Yes. The right pair of shoes will change your life. Just ask Cinderella!
You reckon she would have pulled her Prince if she had changed into a comfy pair of loafers at the end of the night? No, she wouldn’t have. Hers were made of glass, you know what that shit does to your feet? I bet she was in agony when she was dancing at the ball, but everyone was looking at her because she looked hot! So the pain could wait until she got home. And they didn’t even fit her properly, but she still ran down the stairs in them, risking one falling off. That woman knew the importance of the right shoes – and it paid off. So there you go, a completely sane and valid argument for deforming our feet every time we go dancing.
10. Why do they always rush blow jobs?
Every bloke in the universe: ‘Blow jobs never last long enough.’
Well, that one is easy… we don’t have a clitoris at the back of our throat. It’s not fun, we don’t want you to finish before we have even started and it doesn’t turn us on as much as you doing it to us. So we give you a little taster (as it were) and move on to the good stuff, the bit where we get all the action and you work up a sweat! It’s that or nothing, so you aren’t going to complain about it are you? Are you?
