…that Deserve to be Spectacularly Broken!
There’s nothing quite like the Great British Taboo. A faux-pas invented by someone, somewhere and some time in the dark and foreboding ages. Yet still, like the Pied Piper’s children, how many of us are obediently carrying on with these senseless ‘traditions’ today, just because the world has taught us what it considers to be right from wrong? For me that’s about all the impetus I need to flip the Great British Taboo on its sorry little head.
It’s not to say that in Great Britain we are alone. Oh, far from it. The Chinese have their avoidance of porridge on New Year’s day (yes, you did read that correctly… allegedly it brings poverty); the French their distinction between Tu and Vous, the Americans their disdain over anybody’s failure to tip 15% for services rendered, and the Australians their insistence on everybody bringing beer or wine – often their own meat too – to the BBQ.
But I talk from my backyard. And this is where the movement of change has to begin. So without further ado, I implore you all to tear up society’s rules on the following like confetti. Get maverick. Ignite that Mexican wave.
1: Queue jumping
‘But that’s preposterous‘, I hear you cry. Yet when we take a leaf out of our European neighbours’ books; when we put conformity to one side, we quickly realise that this can be to our advantage. Firstly, we get better at not queuing overseas. It magically increases our patience levels on holiday. And secondly, it reduces stress. We learn to chill out, go with the flow and trust that we will all get on the bus. The other thing to consider about doing as we are told and standing in a neat formal orderly military line, as if back under the watchful gaze of the headmaster, is that it’s not actually fair. Because let’s face it: some of us are in more of a genuine hurry than others, more deserving of the Centre Court Wimbledon tickets, entry into Madame Tussauds to check out One Direction in wax (actually, have they even been made into dummies yet?), or the table in TGI Fridays. And so, queue jumping improves our negotiation and listening skills. It encourages compassion, fairness and equality. Some things in life should not be based on the ability to merely get somewhere first.
2: To air kiss or handshake?
Agh! The Great British Greeting! How it perplexes even the most emotionally intelligent of us. How to deal with it? It seems we need a degree in social interaction just to:
determine the appropriateness of a cheek rub/know whether to kiss on one or both cheeks (do we actually plant a kiss ON the cheek… and if so, how many centimetres away from the cheek should we be positioning our head during said interaction?)/when do we graduate from limp handshake to firm, and from firm handshake to firm handshake with a complimentary pat on the back like we’re long lost buddies, and from that to a hug?/is it ever okay to hug?/which side of the face do we air kiss first anyhow?/can a woman ever take the lead without being considered a tart?
And on and on and on. Solution: Do whatever the hell we like. Put the headbanging ghosts of meeting clients for the first time (or is that just me?); diving in for that cringeworthy extra kiss they’d zero intention of reciprocating to bed. Tuck the sheets in and forget it ever happened!
3: Baby loss
I have written, and continue to write at length about this most important of Great British Taboos. Much has been done to bring humanity to a new level of consciousness on this subject. I myself have piggybacked Peter Andre and Saluted Eastenders. Our Book Club has reviewed Alice Jolly’s stunning book, and many articles giving our babies a voice flood in from guest writers. But while the momentum is strong we must keep going. Until we’ve shattered the glass ceiling on this particular Great British Taboo, there will always be those ready and waiting with brooms to sweep things back under the carpet.
4: Death
And this goes hand in hand with point 3. It happens to us all. So we may as well find a way to talk about it a little more joyfully. The Mexicans could teach us so much there. In fact in many a culture, death is positively celebrated as the beginning of the new, a time to give thanks for the relationship we shared with a special person. Obviously, when it comes to baby loss (as I sadly know, it can take many years for love to be the overwhelming aspect that remains… grief is an undeniably unpredictable process). But in many ways it’s our Great British insistence upon keeping that stiff upper lip firmly buttoned which has created so much ignorance surrounding point 3 and the loss of our children in particular. Queen Victoria has also played her part when after the loss of Prince Albert she would insist upon the donning of jet black. For ever. But this belief is as outdated and unhelpful as our observations that the world was flat. So wear colours at the next funeral you attend. Dare to break out of the mold and start a more uplifting trend. Would the people we mourn really desire to see us all in washed out hues? Exactly. And open your mind. Little by little. If you can. Death is really nothing more than a very persistent illusion. We are all energy simply changing form, whether we look at death from a spiritual or scientific stance. And energy cannot be destroyed. So when we consider it in this way, the taboo surrounding death makes even less sense.
5: Periods
Look, they’re a fact of life. And if we can discuss the latest Great British tax on sanitary products in parliament, then we should also be able to chat about our monthly menstrual cycle as women. End of. Papers will print stories about crime involving blood and gore. Some of us even have our kids dress up as ruby red splattered zombies for Halloween. Which kind of puts the ridiculousness surrounding this taboo slap bang into Room 101.
6: Bartering in shops
Let’s bring it back. Not so long ago that was the way of the Great British world, after all. And with good reason. It is carried out to this day in a number of countries and cultures. If we can get away with it at a car boot sale (which just like a Great British shop or supermarket is marking up its prices) then why not EVERYWHERE? Think of the fun we can have with this. It really shouldn’t be reserved to plucking up the Dutch courage in Dorothy Perkins because we’ve noticed a stain on a shirt and want to test the water as to the possibility of a 10% discount. Bartering should be a national sport. Because if we don’t think we’re getting value for money in Asda, B&Q or Greggs, we should be making our intentions quite clear: we’ll buy it if it costs less!
7: Salary
Why all the mystique? We do ourselves no favours. Especially the female of the species who want all to be fair in love and work. Being covert and furtive about our remuneration only makes it easier for employees to abuse the pay scale. An open dialogue on all things wage packet – even if it does spark rage from a few fellow green-eyed monsters – is THE only way ahead to an equal opportunities job market.
8: Money
And whilst we’re pondering pounds and dollars let’s dive head first into them. Exactly who decided it should be such a taboo to discuss not only our annual incomes (or lack thereof) but the figure we paid for our house, our latest inheritance and the sum Mum and Dad ploughed into our wedding? Why all the red tape? It’s no wonder that as a nation we repel notes and coins; the rich just keep getting richer and the poor poorer. Those we consider to perpetually brag about money – the lucky 5% – may actually have a valuable lesson to teach us. They rather like the stuff. And like attracts like. This is basic quantum physics. So then, we should give ourselves permission to like the stuff too. In fact I could write an entire book about the value of openly loving our money. But I won’t. Suffice it to say read this article on the Law of Attraction and you’ll catch my drift.
9: Wild and impromptu public dancing
Is. A. Must. It just is. We live in a world ever deeper entrenched in fear. Who knows whose day you could turn around simply by initiating a conga in the High Street? Look at the goose bumps we all get just happening to be in a shopping centre when a Flash Mob breaks out with their incredible moves (see above). There really is nothing like it. Dance, especially of the spontaneous kind, makes for the most uplifting celebration of life, putting those around us in an instantly happier mood. Because how can they not be? Whether we join in or simply spectate, I challenge anyone to not feel the groove of sudden dance seeping into their beings, making for a positive vibe seeing them through until bedtime. It’s why we adore Strictly Come Dancing so much.
10: Sexuality
Is granted to us as individuals to do whatever we please with. I can’t even believe it still has a place on this list!
11: Women’s bodily functions
Read this, because women DO fart! You’d be in good company. Comediennes Kathy Lette, Kathy Burke and the one and only Jennifer Saunders all re-tweeted my article. They found it funny and they are awesome. Nuff said.
12: Age
It is no barrier. And I won’t hear any different. Neither would Nicholas Parsons who I was lucky enough to watch in action at the Gibraltar Literary Festival the other weekend. 92 years old and sprightly as ever, as quick-witted as the best of today’s comedy talent as he hosted a very special edition of Just A Minute on Gibraltar’s Sunborn yacht. And Nicholas is just one example of a slightly more senior person who lives by their own set of rules, sticking two fingers up at the media and living life to the full. In every country, in every nation, men and women in their 70s, 80s, 90s and beyond could show a thing or two to the younger generation who perpetually whine that middle age has been unfairly bestowed upon them at the tender age of 35. I mean, really, the saying ‘get a life’ has never been more appropriate.
13: Political stance
Who cares? Dare to bear. As a proud and happy non-voter that really is ALL I have to say about that.
14: Jigsaws, colouring and LEGO
These never ever ever reach an age-appropriate cut-off point. I once chanced upon my former boss shading Cinderella’s dress various hues of purple as I walked into his office unannounced and staggered back out again stifling laughter. Maybe he was trying to tell me something: colouring is good for us. It nourishes the soul. The ultimate in workplace (and domestic) therapy. What a different world we’d live in if we all took time out of our day to make our mandalas look pretty. And it’s not just colouring which gives the ego a break and the spirit a chance to emerge. We can find the same results with LEGO, jigsaws too. Just maybe not of the 10,000 piece (of which approximately 1/3 is composed of clear blue sky) variety.
15: Old wives’ tales
We save the most annoying till last. For there is nothing quite like the entrenching of the family old wives’ tale. Talk about a powerhouse of corruption and scaremongering. Yet… ‘best be on the safe side,’ we all agree. And so in our family we won’t wash clothes on New Year’s day, or heaven forbid, Good Friday, causing ourselves mountains of extra work and inconvenience when we have messy children and husbands. And then there are the old wives’ tales which take things to a whole new level. Apparently we will break out in warts if we as much as look at a toad, and we’ll have a cough forever if we refuse to take a hair from our head, put it between two slices of buttered bread, feed it to a dog, and say, “Eat well you hound, may you be sick and I be sound.”
Yes, sometimes the good old wives’ tale has to be the trickiest taboo to turn away from of all. Because, well, what if. And then of course we face the shame of our family. To which I say once again, the Great British Taboo, whatever its shape or form, was simply a thought – and all too often a very daft one at that – which somebody simply thought into existence, got others to buy into and created a mass wave of hysteria. And so we have made ourselves sheep; jumpers on the bandwagon. But just as easily as we baa and ride those wheels, we can moo or take the boat instead.
So there you have it. Time to re-write history and joyously break as many of these ridiculous rules and regulations as possible. Tell me how you get on!
