Dogs are not People

And Other Stupid Things Dog Lovers Need to Know!

I love dogs. Honestly, I do. Okay, maybe not love because they do all that face licking, leg humping and arse sniffing stuff… but I do like animals. I have always had pets and I’ve always treated them with lots of love, respect and kindness. But there is something unique to dog lovers that I don’t get. There is something that they all seem to be unaware of…

Dogs are NOT people!

When I was a little girl and declaring my love for animals after announcing that I was going to become vegetarian (a sacrilegious act in any Latino family), my Spanish father said to me, ‘People first, then animals, then plants.’ Now, before you get upset, let me put this into context. He explained to the ten year old me that animals need to be looked after by us, treated well and protected (and God knows I have taken in enough strays in my time) but before we dedicate our lives to our pets, or our plants for that matter, we must make sure we look after our family first. Even if most dogs are nicer than most people.

Surely you can’t argue with that?

Did you know that people abroad think that us animal-obsessed Brits are crazy? On holiday recently, upon discovering I was from the UK, an old man said to me, ‘You lot get it all wrong; you send your kids to boarding school and let your pets sleep on the bed.’
And I said,’errrr, uhm, actually… yeah you are right. That’s pretty fucked up.’ And I had a little think about it and realised we have, as a nation, got it all back-to-front.

So dog lovers, do keep loving those pooches, but please have a reality check and remember these 5 important  points:

1. Dogs are not the same as children
Dogs are fantastic companions and, unlike most other pets, truly become part of the family. But please, when someone is talking about their children, don’t bloody compare their kid to your dog. It’s an insult.
‘My baby was crying all night’ – ‘Yes, my puppy makes funny whimpering noises in her sleep too.’
‘I’m potty training my toddler’ – ‘Oh, I found house training Fido a nightmare.’
‘Look at this lovely dress I bought my daughter’ – ‘My dog has one just like that’

STOP!

You love your dog, I understand that, but you didn’t carry it in your womb for nine months, you didn’t give birth to it and it won’t outlive you. It is a pet. No, seriously, a great loyal loving pet – yes – but it’s still a pet. And I’m not a complete bitch, I do empathize that many people can’t have kids so pour their love into their pets. But no one gets like this over a canary, hamster or cat. Not even their horse, and those things are expensive and a lot more useful. So what is it about dogs that makes everyone go barking mad?

The Dogs Before People phenomenon has become a national endemic! My friend’s mother-in-law replaced a photo of her on the mantelpiece the other day with one of the family dog, another friend’s mother-in-law (notice a pattern here) asked her to prepare the baby’s bottle in the loo because the dog was trying to get some rest in the kitchen.

What the fuck? It’s not normal, people!

So please stop pushing your little mutts around in dog prams, putting hats on them or letting your un-muzzled ankle biters loose in the children’s playground full of children running around and (inadvertently) winding your pet up. Because your dog is a dog, not a child, and as much as you love it and it is well behaved for you… not everyone is going to think it’s as adorable as you do.

2. Dogs don’t celebrate Christmas
But you wouldn’t fucking know it, would you?
Dog stockings full of chewy treats and toys. Dogs wearing festive outfits. Dog videos on YouTube of dogs in Santa hats howling along to Christmas carols. And the worse thing… signing your dog’s name in your Christmas cards.

Why? Why? WHY?!

When you are a young couple that have just bought your first house together and not committed enough yet to marry or have a baby but bought a new puppy and sign its name in your card, complete with a picture of paw prints, I will let you off. But AFTER you have started a family, and have a million other more important things to worry about at Christmas time? You still put Fido’s name on the card? Really?
God, it bothers me. Can you tell it bothers me?

And stop wondering year after year why your dog keeps pissing on the Christmas tree. You have just put a tree in the living room. A tree! It’s confusing! It’s like someone putting a pizza under your pillow and telling you not to eat it.

3. Dogs have fur
Yes, even the tiny pathetic shivering ones have fur. Nature made them that way. All animals have hair on their bodies and are made to live in the climate from whence they came. So dressing your dog up in human clothes is not only a) weird, and b) a waste of money but most importantly c) unnecessary. Do you put teeny Raybans on your Guinea Pig when it’s running around its pen in the sunny garden? Do you stick a tutu on your cat? Or trainers on your pot bellied pig? No you fucking don’t! So take that novelty Ewok costume off your dog, and stop thinking a bow tie is funny or cute, it’s just stupid. And your dog thinks so too – I can see the shame in its eyes – it’s just too loyal and polite to say anything (unlike a cat, who would scratch you to ribbons for even considering it).

4. Dogs are not great kissers
The sentence above should never, ever, have to be written. I can’t believe you guys are making me write this shit. I know you love your pug or poodle and want to show your dog, and the world, just how much you love that wonderful ball of fur. And your doggy loves you so much too, so so much. But enough with that kissing and face licking and rubbing-your-face-in-its-fur thing you do. I can’t deal with it. I just saw that huge canine lolloping tongue touch your tongue. That same dog tongue that has just licked its own arsehole has just touched your mouth, the same mouth you will be using to kiss your kids goodnight later. See what I am saying here? Is it pleasant? Is it? No! Stop!

5. Dogs eat their own shit
Yes they do. In fact they eat anything they find on the floor, anything. It doesn’t matter that it’s gone off, not theirs or even if it’s not food (ever seen a dog with tinsel coming out of its bottom? I have. It ate tinsel and now it’s worming its way out… sigh). So why, oh why, are you there grilling your dog a steak? Why are you mixing rice and veg and other human foods into its big bowl of dinner? I know you want your dog to be fitter and healthier than those that scavenge around the bins at the back of the alleyway, but it just seems so silly. Like carving an ornate rose out of carrots for your rabbit, or shipping in Caribbean-sourced fruits for your parrot. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the worst thing you could do with your life, but don’t get angry that I laugh ten minutes later when the same dog licks its own vomit up.

I know I have taken a risk writing this article and may have lost some of you lovely pooch-pampering readers already. I can see you flexing your trolling muscles and getting ready to Tweet your dog loving hearts out about how I don’t understand our nation’s love for Man’s Best Friend. But I am not a man, I am a woman who, when she watches two dogs getting married on YouTube wants to slap their owners and rescue the poor animals. I’m a woman who has too many things in her handbag already, so can’t understand why a chihuahua can’t walk. And I am a woman who will never ever own a pet that is more demanding than my own kids are (shit, I just compared dogs to my children… see, it’s catching).

So please, unless you are an RSPCA volunteering vegan who has never killed a mosquito or stepped on an ant – save me the self-righteous indignation about animals having equal rights to humans. Dogs are wonderful, (responsible) dog owners are wonderful and the benefits of having a loving pet are indisputable. As long as you realise that dogs are animals and NOT people.

Agreed?