Doesn’t Mean you have to Forget
I am not in my 70’s. I have not lived through all the heartaches that life will inevitably throw at me, and to say that I am wise or that I have learnt all life’s lessons would be incredibly naïve. I am, however, able to say that in my 40’s, I am beginning to understand what people meant when they would say to me ‘you have many lessons to learn’. I am learning.
I am a mother of three, a wife, a daughter and a business woman, but it has take me this long to learn one fundamental lesson in life.
Forgive and Forget.
My grandmother used to say it to me when I was a child. ‘Learn to forgive and forget’. I would have a row with my best friend and she would say ‘Learn to forgive her. People make mistakes. Forgive her and forget.’
25 years later and I finally understand.
I don’t believe learning to forgive someone does not come naturally. It’s a skill you have to work at. I don’t think it is within our human DNA to instinctively forgive someone or something that has hurt you. We are built to defend ourselves. We are born with the fight or flight instinct – and not the instinct to stand still and accept the pain. Learning to forgive someone takes time.
But there is a part of my grandmother’s lesson that I do not agree with. Maybe it is because I am not old enough or wise enough to learn the last part of the lesson yet.
I don’t agree that you should forget.
Can you ever really ‘forget’ something that has obviously hurt you deep enough to need to forgive in the first place?
Everyone has that one person, don’t they? Someone who has hurt them in the past. A boyfriend who cheated, a friend who betrayed, a father who walked out, or a mother who killed their spirit. Someone. There is someone in your life you can’t forget. Do you forgive them for the pain they caused you? Could you? Have you learned lessons because of them?
I have someone in my life that hurt me more than I ever imagined would be possible. For years I harboured an anger and frustration that filled me with pain, it even felt like a physical pain. Sometimes it still does.
Over the years I have had my confidence knocked so many times that depression has never been far away. I have questioned why I keep this person in my life, but the truth is there are just some people that imprint on your life and never leave. Family and friends urged me to forget and move on. But I have a new way of tackling matters.
I forgave, and we moved on. I wiped the slate clean and gave another chance. But I don’t ‘forget’. I choose to keep a protective barrier up.
I chose to ‘fight’ and not ‘flee’. I chose to fight to keep this person in my life and ‘forgive’ the pain they caused, but I won’t forget.
Someone once told me a story that has stuck with me.
A teacher stands at the front of class while a boy apologises for calling a friend names. She asked the boy to pick up a clean sheet of white paper. “It’s perfect, isn’t it? Perfectly clear and clean. Now scrunch it up as much as you can.” The boy does as he is told and then the teacher asks him to make it ‘perfect’ again.
The boy tries and tries to flatten out all the creases made in the paper, but he can’t get rid of them all.
“Once hurtful words are said, you can try and try to take them back, but it will never be perfect again.”
I feel like that piece of paper now, only all the creases are scars that will never heal. Each one a pain that I can’t forget but I allow the paper to be flattened out and it can be used again.
I can forgive. I want to forgive. Because inherently I want to believe the best of people.
I refuse to change myself because of others’ mistakes. I will always give a second, third and fourth chance. I will always allow someone back into my arms if they ask – but I won’t forget. I can’t forget. And I don’t think you have to. Some people are there to learn lessons from, but those lessons often come at a cost.
Isn’t that what life is about?
