Why People Ultimately Aren’t all That Happy For You
I learnt a hard lesson this week, one that I probably should have discovered a long time ago. I learnt that some people don’t want you to be happy.
I always presumed that your true friends are those that help you through the hard times; the shoulder to cry on, the one that brings you Pinot Grigio and Cookie Dough ice cream when you break up with your man or will stay on the phone past midnight listening to your woes. But this week I learnt that there are two types of friends; the ones that are happy when you are, and the ones that prefer it when you are down on your luck.
Let me tell you a story. When I was twelve years old I had one dream and one dream only, I wanted to write. I devoured books and would fantasise about living in a hot foreign country, a cat on my lap, frantically scribbling deep poetic thoughts and having everyone know my name for having brought such wonder to their lives through my amazing writing. Or something along those lines. I was quite an intense child.
Then one day, many many years later, I looked up and realised that actually I had the life I always wanted – I lived abroad and I wrote for a living. My dream didn’t materialise in story book Disney fashion, there was no Fairy Godmother or wands or dancing mice, it happened over time in a work-your-fucking-arse-off kind of way. You know, the same way that most people make a success of their ambitions.
People that set out to do something and make it happen are often called ‘lucky’, and it makes me want to spit with rage. Success doesn’t come to those that wish upon a star and get picked from a crowd. The things that I am most proud of having achieved have taken a lot of self belief, time, determination and, dare I say it, talent. That’s right, it’s okay to say that you are good at something.
So what are you meant to do when you hit your own personal jackpot? Keep quiet in case you offend someone who hasn’t hit theirs yet? Act modest and polite and coy because that’s the done thing? Or tell your friends…the ones that are, after all, meant to be happy for you?
I’ve found that the more good news I share, the less people like me. That’s right, no one wants to see happy photos of sunny places or hear about the great things that you have been up to. It pisses them off. Even when you are still excited about their good news or remain part of their lives and stay close, they are still pissed off.
If I was the kind that set out to be liked then I may get upset by that…or instead of being an opinionated writer I would get a job feeding the poor or healing the sick and saying nothing about my endeavours because I wouldn’t want to be seen as showing off. But I’m not like that, I’m High Octane, I’m hard work and I push myself. Hard. And when I do well I tell people because I’m happy, and I stupidly think that others will be happy for me too.
When things are on the up for me I live by two rules – be humble and be thankful. I believe that it’s more than okay to be happy with your lot and it really is fine (albeit not very British) to think you are brilliant once in a while…as long as you remember where you came from and who helped you get to where you are.
So why do people get angry, upset or distant when things go right for you?
Is it jealousy and envy? Really? At our grand age? Or is it a more latent subconscious emotion?
Schadenfreude is a German word literally meaning ‘harm-joy’ – the pleasure others derive from your failings. It’s a common phenomenon and one that is getting more prevalent in the world in which we live. We see it everywhere…from You Tube clips of people showing off then falling over (how we laugh), to celebrity downward spirals (how we revel in it) and gossip mags pointing out flaws (how we smile and feel better about ourselves afterwards).
We (and by ‘we’ I mean mainly women, men really don’t seem to bother with this shit) like to build someone up, idolise them, aspire to be like them, then comfort ourselves when our fallen angels come tumbling back down to earth and are prostate at our feet as pathetic and useless as the rest of us mere mortals.
And apparently that’s acceptable because those in the public eye aren’t real to us so we don’t worry about hurting their feelings…but would we do that to our real life friends?
Unfortunately we do, or at least some of us do, and now I’ve been on the receiving end of it I’ve realised that it’s one human flaw that I have genuinely never suffered from and am beginning to despise in others. If you can’t be happy when things are going well for someone you know, what does that truly say about you?
The ego is a delicate thing and it’s very much affected by circumstances around us. Subconsciously we can’t help but compare ourselves and be influenced by the people we surround ourselves with. When we lack self esteem we turn to those that are our biggest cheerleaders, when we need a kick up the arse we seek it from the strongest of our friends and when we feel inferior we are drawn to those that need us, to make us feel important and needed again. It’s about looking to others to complete us, to balance our emotions.
So what happens when you aren’t needed anymore? Or your role changes? Do you have the strength within to be genuinely happy that things are going well for someone you love, that once turned to you for help but is doing fine now? Or do you secretly hope they fail again?
It’s all around us:
– The harassed mother who keeps telling the new mum that their baby won’t stay that well behaved forever.
– The couple in a bad relationship who tell the newlyweds that the honeymoon period will be over soon.
– The boss who tells you that you may be doing well now, but no one is indispensable you know!
I have seen it time and time again and after having spoken to (my real) friends they have suffered from it too.
“My son was a few hours old and my best friend called me and spent ten minutes crying down the phone,” one friend told me. “She said it was because was scared of losing me because I now had something she didn’t have.”
Another friend told me, “When I moved abroad my best friend was really upset. She said it wasn’t fair as she was stuck in the same boring rut but I was moving on.”
If you are not happy with your life then the success of others, especially people that you call your friends, should be motivational. They are not telling you of their happiness in order to highlight your own failings, they are happy because they have achieved something for them. There isn’t a limited amount of joy to go around – if things are looking up for your friends then smile with them, congratulate them, they are not taking away your chances of doing the same.
So why am I so pissed off that certain people seem genuinely put out by the things that are going well for me lately? I’m not short of wonderful friends or supportive people in my life, and neither am I after a brown-nosing sycophant to ‘yes’ me at my every move.
I’ll tell you why I’m upset…because these so-called friends have taught me a tough lesson I never set out to learn. That no matter how hard you cheerlead and genuinely wish for the best for others, deep down some people only want you around as long as they are on top. Because if truth be told they don’t like themselves all that much, and the only way they can raise themselves higher is by pushing others down.
God that’s sad. So so sad. Please, don’t be like them.
