…and Not One of Them is Pants
Poor Daddy, he always get the shitty end of the stick. Unlike Mother’s Day when sellers of flowers, chocolates and big padded cards start to rub their greedy hands together with glee, Father’s Day is a bit of a damp squib. No breakfast in bed and pamper days for Daddy, or lots of money spent on fancy gifts tied with too much tissue paper and ribbon (at least not in this household).
Maybe the kids will make him a card (that he won’t bother reading), I will buy him a tie (that he would never have chosen and has no intention of wearing) and if he’s lucky he might get a bonus comedy mug (and I don’t care that I have never made him a cuppa in ten years together, it was on offer at the supermarket).
In every household across the globe Mummy has to choose the present, and because Mummy is always so bloody busy with other (more urgent) things, then Daddy gets what he is given. To be honest, any old crap will do as long as the kids get to wrap it up and wake him up early with it. And it seems I am not alone in my unimaginative gifting. The same goes with our own Dads. Every year he says he doesn’t want anything, and every year we get him the same bottle of whisky or another gardening trowel for his collection.
Well I say it’s time we show the men in our lives that they really do matter. So I’ve been out and about chatting to men (what? It’s research!) and they have told me the 10 things they REALLY want on their special day.
1. NOT A PEN
But the pen of Astronauts! It writes under water, upside down, on grease (no idea why you want to write on grease, but sometimes you just need to). Plus it comes with a manly leather errr… necklace… so he won’t lose it. More to the point, if it’s fancy enough, he will look after it and stop taking your nice pens to work or nicking the kids’ pink sparkly ones.
2. NOT A TIE
But an uber cool set of Meriko London cuff links in 18ct gold plate featuring cool round semi-precious stones, each one with its own powerful properties attracting luck, money and love. After all, you did buy him that posh crisp shirt last Christmas, and he still insists on wearing his novelty football team cuff links with it or the crap fabric ones the shirt came with. Tell him it’s time to man up and get his Mr Grey on. Plus with five different coloured stones to choose from in both white or yellow gold, that’s the next ten years worth of gifts covered!
3. NOT A MUG
But a mean, lean, caffeine machine. Yes Dads love a cup of tea, or twenty, per day. But what a real man needs isn’t a brew, or a quick slurp of Nescafe, what they need is a big silver shiny gadget. Something that with a flick of a switch they can choose whether to be business-like and knock back power espresso shots, or get all continental-like with a Latte. (Plus once they’ve gone to work we can have our mates over, use their gift and sit in the garden with a frothy coffee)!
4. NOT A BOOKMARK
‘Mummy, I didn’t make Daddy a Father’s Day present!’
‘Don’t worry darling… here’s a strip of cardboard – just colour it in and we will call it a bookmark. He will love it.’
Except he won’t.
He will smile, stick it in his bedside table drawer and forget about it. And your kid will cry because it will never see daylight again. So get Daddy something he will really enjoy, like the latest blockbuster. Life may no longer be edge-of-your-seat thrills and spills, but at least his bedtime reading can be.
5. NOT A KEY RING
But the gift that keeps on giving – because no woman (whether it be us, the wife, or our long-suffering mother) wants to hear the dreaded words – ‘Darling, have you seen my car keys?’ HANG THEM ON THE RACK WITH THE OTHERS, THEN YOU WON’T KEEP LOSING THEM – TWAT! Is what we want to scream every day at 8am. Instead we can buy our men this. A clever little gadget that attaches to their keys and they can play a fun GPS-like game on their mobile phone to track them. That is, if they haven’t lost their mobile phone.
6. NOT A CAR CLEANING KIT
But a chance to be a boy racer again. For all those Daddies out there who are still complaining about having swapped their pimped up Vauxhall Nova (with its booming bass-box and a bean-tin exhaust) for a boring family Volvo, they can finally get back behind the wheel and cause havoc without having to take out the baby seats first. Transport them back to their youth with the latest computer game, and hopefully your big kid can entertain the little kids at the same time!
7. NOT A NOVELTY PINT GLASS
But his very own brewery, or near enough. Does your man or Dad have a shed he likes to disappear to from time to time? Well make sure while he is in there that he is doing something useful, like making alcohol that you can ALL enjoy. Then you can be one of those hipster couples that make up amusing names for their home brew, print out wacky beer labels and drink ale out of jam jars. I’m kinda selling it to myself here…
8. NOT A CD
Not headphones either, but these little beauties!! The latest in music technology, wireless sound and stylish to boot. Not only will your man or Dad be glowing with pride at having the latest ‘in’ thing, and looking like a teenager too, but you don’t have to listen to his SHITE musical taste. He can be left alone in the corner with his air guitar and a head full of rock classics, and you can get back to gossiping about him with your mum while he can’t hear you.
9. NOT A BOX OF CHOCS
But a bloody huge HAMPER of chocolate. And not just a novelty pack from the supermarket, but a feast of the finest Belgian treats. These need to come from you and not the kids, and they need to be presented when you and your husband/Dad are alone… and he needs to share them with you then and there. Then let you keep the basket. Because, why does a man need a basket? YOU do! You have many a rustic shabby-chic chalk paint project for that basket and romantic picnic recipes you want to try out. Best eat up those chocolates, quick!
10. NOT SOCKS
Unless they are these socks. Because that pack of 5 socks you keep getting him from Primark are crap and his toes keep poking out of them (probably because he has toe nails like a Hobbit). But either way, if you get him some proper sexy socks (okay, ‘sexy’ and ‘socks’ aren’t really a thing, let’s call them ‘luxury’) then you can stop having to explain that in the 21st century women don’t darn socks. Because we throw them away and get new ones, or make them wear odd socks because men can’t tell the difference between black, dark navy and dark grey anyway and putting them into pairs is a bitch. And these socks are nice, these are the kind fancy millionaires wear. And we like fancy millionaires.
So if you are reading this and worrying because by the time you opened the article and went online it was too late to get him something decent – don’t panic. Cut out your cardboard strip and get the kids to colour it in (there’s always the trusty Plan B) and remember that what men REALLY want on Father’s Day is just:
1. A big fried greasy breakfast
2. A fun day out with the family
3. A relaxing evening being left alone to snooze or chill out in peace
So basically an easy life.
Which is all well and good, as long as they remember that WE still want a lot more fuss than THAT on Mother’s Day next year! So start planning, boys… we want all Top 10 items on Lady Lolita’s future Mother’s Day list and more. Much much more!
