My Top Tips for Raising Confident Children
There’s a fine line between guiding our children and dragging them, heels digging into the carpet/grass/us in the direction of the things they really don’t want to do, be or have. There is no doubt in my mind that our fear of letting our kids be free to be WHO they truly ARE, our fear of ‘losing’ them, has snowballed over the past couple of decades. In fact I believe it has perpetuated to such an extent that we have so much more child abduction in the world nowadays, so many more cases of missing teenagers, so much more homelessness, so much more depression, so much more drug abuse, so many more teenage pregnancies, so much more quitting academia, the ‘novelty’ that is cyber-bullying has reared its ugly head (sad kids deflecting from their own sad lives), and so much more suicide. Our quelling and dumbing down of our children’s true desires has fueled all of this rebellion and refusal to tow the parental line. It’s led to an unspoken paranoia among mums and dads that permeates in every nook and cranny. And our insistence that we always ‘know what’s best’ for our offspring has, at times, cost us our bonds with them.
Of course I am talking in the extreme here. As parents we are an ever collaborative force to be reckoned with. When coupled with the media and that institution called education, we are one influential powerhouse. Most of us have no idea how much our children will bend their will, ignore their desires and go all out to please us. Such is our mutual authority. But when we don’t use that kind of power in the right way, all too often it can lead to the very thing we don’t want: Our kids going even further off the rails!
So here are my top tips for raising self-assured children. Because Independent Kids are Happiest:
1) Grant them choice wherever possible
Letting our children have a say in even the smallest of things from an early age helps them develop their own personalities, confidence in their decisions making skills, sense of adventure and destiny. Start with the little things like giving them free rein to select their own outfits at the weekend, taking them to the supermarket with you to pick up something of their choice for dinner, or packing their own suitcase for a family holiday. No, they won’t opt for doing things the way YOU would. But that’s really the whole point! By giving them access to new thought processes from a young age we are raising kids who are better able to make choices in line with their passions in the future. There’s small temptation to ‘rebel’ when they feel they have a say over certain areas of their life.
2) Positive reinforcement
Ooh, this is one of the trickiest ones in the book to master, for it goes against the grain of the way most of us have been brought up! But once you have got a handle of this strategy you will not only see the difference but be able to smell it a mile off. Negative comments, restriction through punishment and criticism actually only serve to make our kids more ‘institutionalized’ and therefore more likely to retaliate, setting them on a path which will be the complete opposite to their heart’s desire.
“Your dualistic judgment of smart and stupid does not serve the natural development of the child… when you punish your children, you make them wrong and you diminish their worthiness to a degree. When you allow them to learn from experience you enhance their feelings of worthiness…“, explains Gary Temple-Bodley in his book ‘A Radical Change in Perception‘.
In fact, the author devotes an entire chapter to the way we subconsciously influence our children (via the teachings of Joshua, a spiritual entity) since it his belief that children are born with an advanced state of evolution and they have more to teach us than vice versa. I can’t help put think he has more than a point. This book is a real eye-opener, even among those of us who, like me, think we are pretty enlightened!
So if you can (and it is safe… i.e. they are not harming a sibling, yourself or themselves) let them have the tantrum. Let them throw things around in their room. Let them slam the doors… loudly. The contrast between a good mood and a bad mood is actually critical for a child to work out what they DO truly want. And the more we as parents focus on that which we DON’T want – their unhappy behaviour – the more of it we will get anyway!
Our children are just a reflection of our thoughts, deeds and actions. So we have to shine a little love their way to see that love and a healthy respect come back to us. Yes, even in the middle of the supermarket strop, the teenage temper from hell or the dramatic exit from the house (only when they are old enough to be out of our sight on their own though, of course!….) Once they have got all of this out of their system, you can reconvene, talk calmly with them and, instead of focusing on the trail of destruction they have left behind them, the smartest move would be to encourage them to seek out the positives. What have they learnt from the experience? How would they prefer things to be now? Add on as many questions of your own as you like… as long as their focus is on advantages!
This is mind bending to the ultimate degree, for sure! But if you can be open minded enough, your perception of your whole life will start to shift, not just the domestic version! The power of positivity is the equivalent of turning on a light switch (which was always there, we just hadn’t thought to look for it) in a very dark room. Positivity is contagious and once we start looking for a more uplifting way of being, it is impossible to unlearn this new and happier way… Good news all round, hey?
3) Listen to them
Last year I enrolled my daughter for tennis lessons, despite the fact she had no interest in them. We live in a country where tennis coaching is very inexpensive and on our doorstep; a place where free use of tennis courts abounds! It would be great for her social skills, I reasoned. Not to mention the fact it might take the both of us to Centre Court at Wimbledon where I could pose as proud Mum. Whilst it wasn’t a disaster, I quickly realised that dragging her there in the heat throughout July and August twice a week, told me as much as I needed to know. She wasn’t interested in being the next Serena Williams. Since then I have explained why physical exercise outside of school (where there is little sport on offer) was an important part of growing up and a great way to learn new things, have fun and make new friends. Then I suggested she think it over and tell me what she’d like to have a go at… careful to emphasize it wasn’t set in stone, that she could change her mind at any time. The decision was unanimous: ballet and tap dancing! And to this day she is an eager beaver every Thursday afternoon, it’s a joy to watch her dance and we have seen her confidence expand to the moon and back. If she suddenly wanted to stop, I’m not going to sugarcoat it, I’d initially be quite gutted. But it is her choice and her life. My job as a Mum isn’t to re-live my childhood dreams through my daughter, but to be a blank canvas of receptivity. As long as her interests are physically safe and we have the amenities for her to carry them out, I will encourage whatever it is that ignites a spark in her, knowing that she might experiment with a dozen activities before she finds the one she really loves. Or she might just be happiest instead curled up reading a book. As long as she is not pursuing ‘artificial’ interests to keep me sweet, I am doing my job.
4) Stop interfering
Let them sort their own problems out. They will learn so much more as a result. This includes helping with the homework! Interference all too often causes our children to miss out on important parts of their learning curves… be it interfering in their choice of friends at school, dating issues, or insisting upon dressing them ourselves when they are at the age when they can easily do so themselves – just slowly, very slowly – because it makes OUR morning routine faster! Problem solving skills can only be developed when kids have the chance to put them into practice and there is a lot of value in the saying ‘sometimes you’ve got to be cruel to be kind‘ in the sense that you trust in their innate ability to find their way. In so doing you are encouraging them to know they can make it, that they don’t constantly need to look to the outside for help, that they – we – have an in-built inner compass precisely to help us find the solutions.
5) Allow them to learn at their own pace
“Curiosity naturally leads to the discovery of passion. A child who is interested in a subject will follow that interest to the discovery of their interests and passions…,” is another quote from Gary Temple-Bodley’s book.
And it is so true. But how often do we overlook this? I find myself referring to the Finns, and their Scandinavian counterparts time and time again, but they really do set a model example for the rest of the world. When children are left to play, have fun and be creative – particularly outside in the elements, and then at a later age they come into the classroom, oh the difference! Reading and writing are grasped with ease and fluidity. It really is no wonder the Finns consistently top the league tables. But it isn’t all about academia either. Do you really think your child will live a happy and productive life if you push them to be a Maths Professor, a scientist or a theologian? The point is, to quote from ‘A Radical Change‘ one last time:
“Learning occurs when desire causes an interest in a certain subject and the student requires more information in order to explore the subject in detail.”
Left to their own devices to learn at their own pace (something which admittedly, is not always possible in the current schooling system), children would thrive and complete balance would be found among all subject areas, leading to a world where there are no shortages of doctors or scientists in certain nations; a world where everyone puts their passion first. In this world – which many enlightened beings will tell you isn’t so far away – we will tend to our joy first and find that following our bliss was the only real way to a rich, abundant and fulfilling life after all!
Most of us have been brainwashed from a tender age that hard work equates success and with that of course the ever elusive $ sign. Well, I’m here to tell you that this simply isn’t true. It’s not that I am suggesting our children turn into couch potatoes instead, but I would like to hint at the word ‘alignment‘. For when our kids are aligned with their real desires, that’s when the magic unfolds, and the learning and opportunities to apply new skills appear seemingly out of the blue…
As William S. Burroughs once said:
“In the magical universe there are no coincidences and there are no accidents. Nothing happens unless someone wills it to happen.”
And so it is that offering an independent life to our kids really is the best way to guarantee they find their happiness. When we let THEM get in touch with who THEY truly are, all the good things that we as parents dream for their lives to be filled with, will simply fall at their feet.
