Or are you ‘Strict’ Like Me?
I am a very relaxed and chilled out mum. I grant my children as much independence as possible. I parent with ‘positive reinforcement’ style – a phrase which sounds totally boot camp but is actually very mild. I encourage my 8 year old and 5 year old to talk at length about their dreams and aspirations, try to drop as many hints as possible to get them started early on the Positivity Game, and (mostly!) cherish all of our moments together.
But there is one thing I will not tolerate.
Interruption!
No, not even when they are really tiny… Okay, I draw the line at babies, and toddlers about to take a tumble, of course.
But quite simply, interruption is one of my very few Pet Hates in this world. I have no time for it and so, at a very young age, I made it my mission to stamp it out with my children. Nicely, of course!
For me there is nothing more annoying…
Than having my conversational trail broken by my son, my daughter, or, to be quite blunt, anybody else’s. It is easy enough to feel invisible as a mum. And I have honestly lost count of the number of coffee mornings I have attended where I will be telling a brief and usually entertaining story, asking/answering a question, or getting into the juicy part of a confession (mine or a friend’s) when a Little Person will whinge, whine, demand a biscuit/juice/organic mango smoothie there and then, and rudely interrupt. Now of course they are teeny tiny, innocent and naive. But my theory is unbending when this happens.
Ask them to wait until you have at least finished your sentence… and if it is a story which, try as you might, in five minutes you simply will not be able to recount with quite the same enthusiasm, then ask them to wait until you have finished telling it.
It really is that simple.
And it can honestly make a helluva lot of difference to a grown woman’s self-esteem. Which sounds ridiculous. But often us parents are operating on little to no sleep, putting ourselves down, doubting our ability to truly be good enough anymore to set up that business/write that book/apply for that job/sign up for that language class/join that local zumba group. So having the undivided attention and encouragement of the person we are animatedly chatting with can sometimes make all the difference between us taking the next step… and not.
Listening is a life skill
And whilst it is vital our kids have their say and are encouraged to do so; to feel free to express themselves without unnecessary limits, it is equally crucial that they learn to listen to others, to let them finish what they are saying, to accept that there are a whole multitude of opinions in the world. We may not agree with them all of the time, but we still need to honour other people’s right to speak… and all too often when it comes to children, this means waiting for adults to, at the very least, finish their flippin’ sentence.
Spiritual Guru, Gala Darling, talks about this at length in her book ‘Radical Self-Love‘
She describes charisma as a quality that cannot be defined…
“One definition that resonates with me is that when you’re talking to a charismatic person, you feel like the only person in the room. That’s a rare and special feeling, and when it happens, you don’t forget about it. That person will stand out in your head as someone exceptional… A lot of people talk to others while simultaneously scanning the room for the friend or someone famous. Don’t be that girl!”
Ha – and don’t be that parent either. Give someone your time of day. Your child can wait another two minutes for you to reach their Barbie from the top shelf. Yes, really. The world will not fall apart! Unless of course the conversation is verging downhill into an abyss of absolute negativity. Then you have my full-blown permission to make a very sharp exit.
Gala continues…
“People want to be acknowledged as being special, but it happens so rarely. It’s easy to be in the present with someone and really pay attention to them, but it’s astounding how few of us do it. Most of the time we’re so focused on our own thoughts that we don’t take a moment to consider how we’re treating the people around us…”
And so it is that a child who grows up thinking it’s OK to butt in every five seconds…
…because their parents themselves have set that example by allowing them to do so at home, is far less likely to have basic diplomacy skills, basic friend making skills even. And when it comes to the classroom, we all want our kids to be happy and surrounded by playmates. I am not saying their social skills cannot be corrected later, but giving them positive cues in their formative years can really speed up the process. and do them a big favour.
We all want to be seen.
Really seen, really listened to. Yes, even us adults. Self-love and that all too often misconstrued concept of ‘selfishness’ are basic human rights which usually fall by the wayside if they are not instilled enough in us as parents before our children arrive on the scene. Whilst we love our babes with all our hearts, sometimes we need to allow our needs, hopes and dreams to be put centre stage for five minutes. At least until we have finished our chat with our mum (and sorry to mine… she will not like this one bit if she is reading, but she is the official Queen of breaking my conversations off mid flow for the puppy dog eyes of my children, but then again perhaps I will also be Guilty As Charged when I am a Nana!)
As long as this is a two way thing…
And we live by our example, letting our children finish off their conversations too (yes even when we are in a rush to get somewhere in the car and they insist upon telling us every morsel of their dinosaur dream from last night as we are strapping them into their car seats to get to school – we have to see it from their point of view, to shut the door on their revelations and pick the conversation up in all of 10 seconds when we are strapping ourselves into the driver’s seat is essentially the same as them interrupting US mid-conversation), then we raise children who are fabulous conversationalists. They are able to truly give others their undivided attention, whilst knowing exactly when is a good time for them to have their say.
So next time your Lil’ Princess or Prince runs into your sitting room in a flurry of excitement because they need/want/demand RIGHT NOW, and you are tempted to cave in immediately, remember you are teaching them a multitude of things (patience, diplomacy, listening, fairness, equality…) by making them wait all of 3 minutes and twenty seconds until you (or your friend) have finished discussing her dilemma – which you will now no doubt have to start talking in code about!
They, in turn, will realise that the world keeps spinning anyway.
And you (or your friend) might just walk away from your get-together inspired enough to actually Take On The World!
(Note from The Editor: You can purchase Radical Self-Love by Gala Darling here using the links below.)
