And a Career CV…
Congratulations, you’re a mum! Welcome to years of nappies, milk, unpicking plasticine from armchairs and bogies from walls (yes, I am serious about the latter), ferrying children to parties and play dates, drinking cold tea, and listening to your child declare “I am bored!”. And welcome to your career History being erased when it comes to most conversations. At least that has been my experience.
I am sure I am not alone.
Just why is it that a baby apparently kills our brain cells, turning us into 1950s housewives?
Three main instances come to mind :
1: Where once we would have been included in talk about current and world affairs, the economy or politics sat around the dinner table (be it a christmas family get together or a friendly dinner party), that stuff’s now left to the men… or the females among the party who don’t yet have children. We’d just as well be done with it and give them a separate quarter a la Downton Abbey, chuck in a decanter of Brandy and cigars as well.
2: Not so many moons ago when we got together with friends for coffee (and copious amounts of cake) or even better; pizza and wine, we would have discussed our ‘next industry moves’, bright burning professional ambitions, tactics for securing a pay rise (differing greatly in morality!) and yes, admittedly, who was the most annoying idiot in our workplace.
I honestly cannot remember the last time that happened (except for a Glass House gathering with The Duchess and Lady Lolita). Outside of that, we mums all too often seem to feel like we can’t blow our own trumpet about anything remotely career ambitious. And that’s incredibly sad. I have lost count of the get-togethers I have been to, of new and old mums alike, where the only conversation is our Little Ones’ antics. Why hide our ‘former lives’, hopes and dreams away shamefully in a cupboard as if they’re no longer relevant? We’re still the same people, we just have another name now; mum.
3: When we meet our partner’s workmates… and especially if that’s with our newborns, toddlers or under 10 year olds in tow, ‘shop talk’ abounds, but oh the pin-dropping silence when we dare to make a comment on their Human Resources department, or the company’s bonus structure or the best way to instigate company growth in the face of Brexit. And frankly you can forget it if you think they’re going to ask you what you did for a living pre-nappies.
That’s what I’m talking about.
People of the word who do this, listen up: women DO still have the same degree of intelligence after they’ve left the maternity ward! If not greater…
And Mums out there who are running themselves down, brushing their IQ, business acumen and creativity under the carpet: Stop It. NOW.
Next time you are in one of the above scenarios, turn it around.
Talk about your past work and academic accomplishments to all and sundry – whether they look interested or not, they’re going to hear it! Ask other mums what their last job was. Listen with a genuine interest. Tell them about yourself… yes, even if the kids interrupt. Especially if the kids interrupt. And most importantly, encourage a mass excitement about career futures. Get everybody included. Even those who see their job forever more as bringing up their children and looking after the home. There’s nothing wrong with being a permanent homemaker if it makes us happy. But the key is to not stop talking about any of these things. Because they matter. They all really matter.
If we, as women cannot talk about ourselves freely, openly and honestly, there is something very wrong.
You’ll be doing not only yourself a favour, but your sisterhood a favour. Quit the mind-numbing comparisons of nappy cream, kids’ organic cereal bars, Jojo Maman Bebe’s toddler’s clothing range and whose child is swimming already at the tender age of three, and talk about YOU as well. Because YOU still exist. YOU can still burn bright. YOU are still a worthy human being. And when you do that, you light up others like a candle.
It’s all too easy to become Mummy Wallpaper, not only socially, but domestically too; to shun those aspirations, to write off the career change you’ve always dreamed of just because you are primary caregiver to one “Little Monkey”… or two, three or four plus “Little Monkeys”. Before you know it, they’re all grown up and you’re left talking to The Wall like Shirley Valentine did. Or reliving your burning desires through them now your CV and experience are so outdated.
Neither situation is good enough. You deserve more. You still have a brain… and a pulse.
“Use it or lose it”, as the saying goes.
Who knows what might happen when you open up?
Take The Duchess and I for example… We “just happened” to be at the same coffee morning… where we also “just happened” to be bored with the usual suspect baby, toddler, baby, toddler chitchat.
“I’m writing a novel,” I said.
“No way! So. Am. I!” she replied.
It was the start of an acquaintance, which led to a friendship, which led to daring one another to go to a local writers’ group, which led to us meeting a writing teacher who was giving a local course, which led to us meeting none other than Lady Lolita, which led to the creation of The Glass House. I kid you not. Being the ‘bored mums’ at a coffee morning led to the creation of new career together!
When we give ourselves permission to stand out from the crowd, to celebrate our achievements – big and small – we truly never know where those little ripples may lead.
Which is why I am challenging you (and me, especially me):
Next time you find yourself in a potential you-are-just-a-mum-now-what-the-hell-would-you-know-about-anything-other-than-the-page-order-of-the-Mothercare-catalogue situation, try the following:
1: Interrupt the pull of the predictable “who was the biggest loser in 2016: Trump or Farage… or Johnson” debate with your Very Own Opinion! Yeah, see how they react to that. Just make sure everyones glass is topped up before hand, so they have something to stare at rather than eye-roll.
2: Declare a “Half Hour Time Out From Nappy Chat” at your next Mumma and Bubba meet-up. Yes really. Challenge everyone to talk about any subject but their kiddiewinks… just for thirty minutes. Who knows what creative ideas will flow, how many inspirational tales will do the rounds and how much self-confidence will return (at least for the day) to those most in need?
3: Pull-up your colleagues in the workplace who you’ve noticed have started treating you differently since you came back from maternity leave. Some of them will be eye-rolling as you leave the office early again to pick up your daughter from nursery. Which is ironic given the fact any number of them will find themselves exactly in your situation a few years down the line. Give them the heads up NOW as to what is and is not acceptable.
4: When you next find yourself and your partner (and children along for the ride) being spoken to by a stranger… you know, the type who looks the male of your coupling directly in the eye… since he must earn all the money… set them straight. Yes, you might not feel confident as you make it markedly clear to the Estate Agent that you used to be breadwinner, thank you very much. Yes, you may not want to come across as the pathetic little lady making all the fuss to the waiter who gives the bill to your husband, having made the assumption he is the financial provider with his ginormous portfolio of A levels and GCSEs. But one thing’s for sure: the recipients in these scenarios (and countless similar others) will not forget… and the next time they are faced with a male and a female, they won’t be so quick to stereotype.
5: Break the taboos and change the status quo. All this boils down to, ultimately, is sexism. If we want things to be different, we have to make changes across the board. If we want to shatter the glass ceiling in the workplace after we’ve birthed our children, we need to support women in any and every situation in which they are unfairly being discriminated against. Yes, Women Fart! is an article I wrote not so long ago to broach this very subject and it’s every bit as important now as it was then. Crikey, all the more so in the aftermath of Rio 2016 and some of the flippant gender inequality of the commentators…
If we want change, we have to be part of that change. And change starts with us. It’s these little gestures, these little acts, these little reminders which help make the world a fairer, more-balanced place for both the sexes.
So start now. Do it today. Do it for YOU, do it for me, do it for all of your sisters who are mummas!
