How to have Kids AND a Clean House during the Holidays!
A strange thing is happening in the mummy world. Women everywhere are wanting a tidy home but saying it isn’t possible once they’ve had kids. They have given up.
‘Oh, my house isn’t messy,’ my friend said to me the other day. ‘My children are making memories!’
Right. Yep. That’s a beautiful sentiment. Your kids are making memories of LIVING IN SQUALOR. Your lucky children will be able to look back fondly at their previous filthy home, laugh at how they stepped on broken shit every day, reminisce about the sticky furniture and long for the days when their kitchen had more vegetation growing on its work surfaces than sitting in the vegetable wrack.
Get real, kids are no excuse for mess. Smart mums have tidy homes.
Now don’t get me wrong – I’m a mum too. One that works full time and hasn’t got an OCD cleaning obsession or countless Pinterest folders full of space saving ideas (okay, maybe I have just the one). I DO have a life, and yes I know that kids aren’t neat. As I said, I’m a mum like you… so don’t bullshit me. Your house doesn’t look like a bomb has hit it now the kids are off school because you have been up until dawn making papier mache balloon animals with the children. No. You have been on Facebook and left the kids to do what the hell they want, because it’s the holidays and it’s easier. Which is fine. The problem is they have now killed your home and left it to rot, and you can’t be arsed about it any more because whenever you make an effort to sort it out the little a-holes mess it up again.
Don’t worry! No one is judging you… I’m NOT here to gloat but to HELP.
Believe me, I don’t sit doing arts and crafts with my children all day either! In fact my six year old daughter wrote me a letter of complaint the other day saying I wasn’t playing with her because I was staring at my laptop (errr that ‘laptop staring’ pays for your Barbies, sweetheart).
So why, when I can’t be bothered to spend all day cleaning and I have two kids under the age of seven, doesn’t MY house look like a complete shit hole?
Here are 7 reasons why… and they may just help you too.
1. Don’t buy shit that makes a mess
Lego – No.
Polly Pocket and incy wincy tinsy bitsy plastic crap – No.
Plasticine and Play Dough – No.
Kids make-up and nail varnishes – No.
Stamping kits and non-washable pens – No.
Glitter – Fuck NO!
Not in this house. If they want to play with all that, they can do so at a friend’s house. My kids have at least 3,682 other things to play with.
My mother bought my youngest a stamp with her name on the other day (when I wasn’t looking) and said ‘this is for your books and your important things, so people know they are yours.’ Bad move, Grandma! Now my house has my youngest’s name in bright purple stamped on every sodding thing she likes the look of ‘so no one takes it off us’… So simply eliminate the culprits and avoid hours of picking up tiny bits of plastic or scrubbing pink goo off the sofa and the cat.
And don’t worry, my girls don’t miss out on creative play… we have a big arts and crafts box that I keep out of reach and we play with together. In the garden. Then we tidy it up afterwards.
2. Section off the play area
I have a play room. I don’t have a mansion, it’s a three bedroom bungalow, so my girls choose to share a bedroom so we can have the third room as a spare room/play room.
If they want to make twenty plates of plastic food for their teddies… in there. Not on the couch.
If they want to spread out and draw a million pictures… in there. Not on the dining room table.
If they want to spend the afternoon squabbling about whose dolly gets to wear the pink t-shirt… in there. With the door closed.
I love watching my children play, sometimes I even join in, but this home belongs to two adults too and when I have friends over I don’t want it to look like the store room of Toys’R’Us. My husband and I are more than just parents, and our home is a reflection of every part of our past and present life. So the kids can trash just the one room, thank you very much.
3. Train your kids. Well.
You may have figured this bit out already… I run a tight ship.
By that I mean from the day they could walk, my kids have picked their stuff up off the floor and put it away. They can only play with one thing at a time, they do one jigsaw, complete it and put it away before starting another. If they make a mess, they clear it up – which they soon get bored of doing and learn fast to make less mess.
I don’t believe in ‘chores’ and I don’t believe in ‘pocket money/allowance’ when they are under the age of ten. I believe in ‘do what I tell you or there’s trouble’. Do YOU get paid to pick dirty knickers up off the floor? Do YOU get a reward for washing up? Nope. And neither should they. In real life, horrible things like rats and bad smells happen if you are messy and dirty… so if my six and four year old don’t put their clothes away then they don’t watch TV. It eventually becomes a habit like brushing their teeth before bedtime. When you start them doing this at two years old, it’s fun… if you let them off the hook and ask a twelve year old to do it then, well, good luck with that.
4. Eat at the table
Do you let your kids run around the house eating, taking plates up to their room or sitting on the sofa clutching sweaty handfuls of sticky chocolatey goo? Then don’t complain that your house is a mess and you have vermin. You want to reduce the majority of mess and odours from your house? Then make your kids sit up to the table and eat! They do that in every other culture, but for some reason families in America and the UK have got used to eating in front of the TV or separating at meal times and wandering off to do their own thing.
This is bad news.
Not only does it prevent a family from communicating and enjoying a meal together… but it also creates more mess. Get one kid to lay the table, the other to clear it, get them to sweep up the crumbs and you and hubby wash up the plates. In under five minutes it’s all clean and you can sit down and enjoy your evening as a family. Easy.
5. Get the professionals in
Okay, I’m not perfect. My kids aren’t always like the helpful mice in Cinderella and I don’t have a magic wand. Sometimes I need a head start to get my house in order, which is when I call in the professionals. For the same price as a take-away I get someone to do a few hours of cleaning and ironing. She’s by no means a Housekeeper… out of the 168 hours that make up one week, her four hours of cleaning is not going to change my life… BUT she gets things to a decent enough state so I (and the rest of the family) can keep up the good work. Yeah, I have Working Class Woman’s Guilt about it (I’ve been a cleaner myself in the past), but I earn my own money and I work all the time, so paying someone who is better at mopping floors and ironing shirts than me benefits them… and me. So don’t feel bad about getting a little boost once in a while to get you back to normality.
6. Lead by example
If you want a tidy home 24/7 and you don’t want to be the one that does it all… do it all (to begin with). The more your children see you being neat and tidy (that means hubby too) the more they will see it as the norm. And bit by bit, as they get old enough to do each task better and better, they will see it as the norm too. In fact I bought my girls a kid’s cleaning set the other day so they can join in… a four year old with an adult-sized broom is just an accident waiting to happen. They play at being ‘mummy’ and the house stays sparkling. Result!
7. Be a bitch
This is me…
Kids get a snack: ‘BOWL!’ Kids go and put their snack in a bowl and eat at the table.
Kids walk through the door: ‘SHOES!’ Kids take their shoes off and put them away.
Kids finish their dinner: ‘PLATES!’ Kids take their plates and put them in the sink.
Kids hand me a piece of rubbish: ‘BIN!’ Kids put the rubbish in the bin themselves.
Kids get ready for bed: ‘CLOTHES!’ Kids put their clothes in the wash basket or back in their drawers.
See what I’m doing here? Same goes for husbands.
And before you start with the inevitable ‘but they are just children, let them just be’ line, yes… they are children. They don’t miss out on hugs and kisses, positive praise, playing, family time, running around, having fun or being carefree. We do all of that. We just tidy the hell up after ourselves. ALL of us.
Fun and Tidy are not mutually exclusive.
The secret to a clean house during the holidays is not chasing after your children all day… that just builds resentment between couples and teaches your kids that you are their servant. The secret is making sure you instill tiny habits in your sons and daughters while they are still young. That way, as they grow up, you have less to do, and you have taught your lovely little monsters how to be neat, tidy and organised for the day that they have a spouse/flat mate who will also expect them to pull their weight.
Believe me – there is nothing cute, endearing or funny about a parent having a messy, filthy house. No more excuses now. Kids bored over the school holidays? Then get them to work around the house and kill two birds with one stone… plus it means you get more time on Facebook!
