How to Spot the Stage Your Child is at
Everyone has heard of the terrible twos… In fact, as a mum-to-be, it is the first thing that experienced parents are eager to warn you about. So why don’t they warn you about the rest of them?
In my household there have been many more stages and I feel inexperienced first time mothers should be warned about them in advance… So just in case you think you will get through the terrible twos and it’s all rosy from there, I’m here to burst that bubble.
Here is a mini break down… just to help you avoid one of your own.
The Wonderful Ones
This is when you get to enjoy the glorious memory making days. The first smile, first giggle, first steps. These mini humans you have created are magically waddling their chubby little legs around the house, giggling and trying very hard to talk. The entire first year and halfway towards their second birthday is (on most days) pretty blissful. That is of course if you discount the sleepless nights, stressful poop filled days and then of course there is the feeding. You are not alone I assure you, it’s just as messy for everyone else.
But then it comes, you wake up one day and all of a sudden you wonder if some horrible little troll has come in the middle of the night, stolen your gorgeous child and taken them well into the depths of the labyrinth. You spend all day and night searching for your gorgeous little angel, convinced that someone has simply replaced them with this evil little devil’s child. Welcome to the…
Terrible Twos
Yep – we have all heard of them, and most of us have experienced them. Even if you are not a parent, it is highly unlikely that you have gone through your entire life without experiencing the screaming shitty tantrums of a terrible-twos child careering around the supermarket, hauling stuff off the shelves that they can finally now reach and screaming for no apparent reason. Let me point out right now to those of you who are NOT parents. It is (in most cases) not the mother’s fault, so stop looking at them in that judgmental way. Until you have been there you have no right… just you wait! I strongly believe that somewhere in their sponge-like brains, is this tiny little trigger that is flipped by someone ‘up there’. In fact, I am pretty damn sure that the ‘greater powers that be’ deliberately put this little switch in just to fuck with us mums. Someone (I am convinced) is up there pissing themselves laughing at us first-time mothers sat rocking in a corner wondering how the hell it went so wrong!
Then, just as you think you are nearing the end of the battle, with their third birthday in sight, something amazing happens… Nope, it doesn’t get better – it gets worse. You see, as the children reach three, they suddenly think they are “grown up”. Welcome to…
The Tumultuous Threes or Threenager
Oh yes, it really is as bad as it sounds. These ones are tricky. Three years old and suddenly they can walk, talk, scream, shout and have an opinion. You see, your tiny little gorgeous child who once relied on you for everything, is developing a little thing called ‘independence’ – oh God help us all.
“Yes, Mummy, I am sure I want to wear a bikini top and pair of high heels to school. Because Mummy that’s what I want to wear.” Cue the screaming fit as you try to peel off the bikini top and put a jumper and wellies on, ’cause lets face it, it’s -5 outside and as much as the child is pissing you off right now and you would love to say “fuck it” you can’t, for fear of the child ending up with pneumonia and you ending up in custody for neglect.
The threenager, who now of course believes he or she is actually 13 and not 3 at all, will constantly undermine you regardless of social situation. So beware. This includes when you are in the bank and your darling child shouts at the top of their voice, “This is boring. I hate you, and that lady is smelly.” Yep, they have an understanding of the world around them, at the same time as having very little or no understanding yet of socially acceptable ‘voices’ or actions.
But then, you have the light and the end of the tunnel, right? They are nearing 4, and with the terrible twos far behind and the threenager stage finally coming to a close, surely there can be no more hell to put poor parents through?
WRONG.
Drum roll please, for the…
FUCK YOU Fours
Now I must apologise for my language. But this stage really does deserve it.
Quite simply put, expect to spend most of this stage muttering “fuck you” under your breath. This is a culmination of the terrible two tantrums, coupled with the threenager attitude and the independent, manipulative streak that comes with the fours. Manipulation. Where the hell do they learn that. This is the age where you need to COMMUNICATE with your partner.
Darling, did you really say that our son could hang over the banister as long as he was wearing his special shoes? Nope? Didn’t think so. Yep, your child will have figured out how to play one off against the other, how to manipulate situations to their advantage, and make no bones about expressing the fact they have “won”. Girls will wind Daddy around their little fingers and have somehow figured out how to use kiddie flirting to their advantage. They are cheeky, manipulative little buggers.
Watch your back, your fridge, your biscuit cupboard and your make-up drawer, because I warn you now they will be on each and every one, and when you ask if it was them, the only response you will get is NO. Because this is the age they will also learn how to lie. Yep, this one is great fun to tackle. No one warned you about this one, did they?
“Excuse me, Miss New Mum, here is a quick idiots guide on how to teach your child that lying is wrong!” Now that would be a best seller.
But have no fear… because once you get through the first four years, the next stage I promise you will start to feel a whole lot easier.
THE FABULOUS FIVES and SUCCESSFUL SIXES
Finally. After years of hugging the wine bottle and praying that at some point all this horror will end, things start to calm down a little and you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even if it is a little blurred through the reflection of the wine glass.
By five years old your child has learnt how to reason, listen and respect. Your daughter now enjoys spending special time with her mother dressing up, going on shopping trips and pamper days. Your son has learnt that he can play football outside or climb trees without breaking a leg. Things just get easier.
Now don’t get me wrong. It is not all plain sailing from here, and I am not saying that you will not have days where you find yourself counting the seconds til wine’o’clock.. but at least at this stage you can reason with them.
Funny thing really. We spend the first two years of our children’s lives begging and waiting for them to walk and talk… then we spend the next 16 years begging them to sit down and shut the fuck up – but despite the trials and tribulations that we face in each and every stage of their gorgeous wee lives, we will look back with a smile on our faces and remember it all with a rosy haze and wishing we had slowed down to appreciate it more. Especially when we our kids are finally grown up, and they are watching their own children going through the hell of these stages themselves. That, my darling children, is called KARMA…
