The Perfect Presents for Family, Friends and Foes…
My husband’s birthday is approaching. Cue the email from my Mum… and another from my Brother-in-law: What can they buy him? Argggghhhh! This is not simply an annual occurrence. I am asked the same question just a couple of weeks earlier at Christmas. And then to top it all off, my daughter’s birthday is the 21st December, and so I have already been contacted with the same un-imaginative email for a number of weeks in a row by now.
I just don’t get it. Where are people’s imaginations?
For me, the whole fun of gift giving is that I get to play God. My recipients are going to get whatever I damn well choose; the good, the bad and the hideously knitted jumper.
Present shopping is an event. I positively drool over it.
Okay, I am maybe half convinced when it comes to the male of the species. Yes, coming up with something different (and useful) for a man does, admittedly, take a little thought. But my 6 year old son? Come on? Because oh yes, if I get the email asking for gift ideas for my daughter, then of course it’s only natural that I will get the same blanket email in the summer asking for ideas for my Little Man.
It’s not that I am being ungrateful, but has nobody heard of Toys R Us? Argos? Failing that just anywhere that sells something with wheels, little men (or women), Disney merchandise, puzzles or messy gloopy stuff (although I’d rather you didn’t…). Failing that there’s the fallback of clothing – Little Man might not get excited about that one, but I will – or that last bastion of civilisation; the book. How many Brazilian rain forests worth of ink on paper are there to choose from? And I promise you our house isn’t big enough that we stock all of them on his bookshelf!
As a species we’ve simply stopped using our brains. We’re lazy. We ask people for lists and pretend that it’s because we want to give our loved ones something they’d cherish. But it’s the biggest load of BS (bullshit). I’m sorry, but it’s true. Most of us just can’t be arsed to dust off our grey matter, get inspired and surprise people.
Let’s take this back a few thousand years, way back through the eons of time to the birth of Jesus.
‘You what?’ I hear you scream at me as if I have totally lost the plot.
But bear with.
Are we generally in agreement that our traditions of gift giving for birthdays and Christmas (and Easter, and Mothers’ Day, and Favourite Pet Day, and It’s-the-last-day-of-term-so-we-better-stay-in-the-teacher’s-good-books-over-the-holidays-and-take-in-a-box-of-Milk-Tray) stem from Jesus’ arrival on the planet? For all those who are unfamiliar with The Bible, the Three Kings made a very long journey, following a very bright star to gift the Son of God with gold, frankincense and myrrh…
And if we cast our minds back to all those years of playing the angel/innkeeper/a stray sheep in the nativity play at school, do we also recall Jesus, Mary or Joseph reeling off a list of slightly more useful items to said visitors? Things like organic baby toiletry sets, JoJo Maman Bebe swaddles, Mothercare travel systems?
Exactly.
Whilst I am all for funking up tradition, isn’t life more colourful with a surprise or two thrown in twice a year for birthday and Christmas?
And we’re like this with so many subjects. We also seem to have lost the ability to navigate a road. How many times have people offered to lend me their Sat Nav for a journey that I have frequently made – an airport run, a trip to visit friends in another city, a day out at the beach? And even when I insist I have the route firmly embedded in my brain, can follow my nose, enjoy thinking for myself, taking in a little scenery en route as opposed to gluing half an eye on a computerised version of my journey with an annoying voice, still they won’t take no for an answer!
But what if there are road works?
I’ll take my chances.
What if a road is closed and you have to do a detour?
I’ll work it out. I kind of have my own navigational system in-built already. We all do. We just keep forgetting to use it! Far better to trust my compass skills than end up down a dirt track or discover that the roundabout on the ‘trusty’ computer screen has now turned into a cliff with a deep plunge into the sea in reality…
Okay, so I am slightly diverting (pun intended), but this reliance on things that are outside of us; other people’s opinions, the Sat Nav’s directions, the BBC’s fearful announcements, the statistician’s analysis, they are one and the same. We are led to believe that we can’t come up with the answers for ourselves! And it’s simply not true.
Back to the shopping though…
Next time you find yourself stuck for that perfect gift idea for Auntie Barbara, your Brother-in-Law to be, the next door neighbour, or your super rich cousin Joanna who has everything, ask me, I’ll be your personal shopper. Or you could also take your pick from the following:
1) Go to a shopping centre.Walk into the 5th shop on the left. Do not leave until you have bought a present for Auntie Barbara. So much the funnier when it turns out this is a kids’ clothing shop or a heavy metal specialist.
2) Get your Littlewoods catalogue out. Shut your eyes. Open it up. Now open your eyes. Whatever catches your eye on the double page spread that you land on – yes, even if that happens to be the women’s lingerie section – that will do nicely for future Bro-in-Law’s Crimbo pressie.
3) Walk to your nearest supermarket… and take your stop watch along for the ride. Stand in the middle of the store. Now give yourself 30 seconds to grab whichever items take your fancy to create a luxury food hamper for your friends next door. Too bad if you wind up with mostly jars of baby food…
4) Switch on the laptop and visit Amazon. Head to the book section. Now think of the first woman’s name that pops into your head. Type it into your search. Cousin Joanna’s gift will be the first suitable book which catches your eye on the top page of search results.
Don’t you just love the fun you can have with this already?
But okay, I suppose I ought to provide a few alternatives for those of you who don’t quite want to partake in so many frolics so soon:
5) Think about the recipients’ interests. Do they bake or cook? Have they got a holiday coming up for which they might require a little paraphernalia? Which colours do they wear? Have they got a penchant for teddy bears? Do they collect thimbles or vintage brooches? Do they have a favourite author? Might they enjoy some theatre tickets? Do they have a crush on a celeb? Do they like to have their cake and eat it? Are they a wine aficionado? Do they have a thing about pot plants? Take yourself (briefly) into their minds, sit on the sofa with the broken springs in their living room, hover on the bar stool in their kitchen. Do a virtual tour of their world. I promise you something is going to spark an idea!
6) Make something personal. If you are even remotely crafty, there are so many fabulous ideas out there – particularly on my beloved Pinterest. Sew a unique shoulder bag made of luxury material, paint a portrait, spend an afternoon in one of those paint your own pottery places. You could get your entire year’s birthday presents shop done in an afternoon and have fun honing your water colour skills.
7) Bake a birthday cake. Or buy one. If you must. How many of us go without a birthday cake on our special day every single year? I know if I don’t bake one for myself, I won’t get one…
8) Say it with flowers. And d’you know what? Women and men love them. Who can resist the magic of a fragrant and uplifting bouquet? How can anyone ever get this, the simplest, yet one of the most extravagant of offerings wrong? Just be mindful that in certain cultures some types of flower are more typical for funerals…
9) Money or vouchers. Yes, if you really must, there is nothing wrong with giving money or vouchers. But try to make the voucher at least half inspired. You can get them for everything these days; film tickets, a day at the spa, a zoo keeper experience, a meal at your nearest pizzeria chain. The trick is to go for something unusual but pleasant. Something the recipient probably wouldn’t treat themselves to, but that would definitely go down as a treat.
10) Recycle. Cartons, egg boxes and plastic bottles make wonderful presents when turned into something else! But that’s not my kind of gift recycling. No, I am thinking of the shameful – cringe – giving an unwanted present away to somebody else. Just be very careful with this one. Take note of who you received said tacky low end High Street perfume set from… and for crying out loud, make sure you gift it to somebody who is unlikely to open the delight in front of the original giver!
