The 6 Foods to Use in Sex – and What to Avoid!
I love food and I love sex. So if you do too, it stands to reason that working out the best way to introduce the two simultaneously of an evening means you get to be laid instead of the dinner table. Result!
Have you ever watched ‘Nine and a Half Weeks’? That food scene? It’s sexy, right?
Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger are sitting on the kitchen floor and feeding each other with the contents of the fridge before getting it on. Again. Strawberry juice trickles seductively down her chin, warm sticky honey oozes between her thighs and Champagne is dribbled into her expectant, partly opened mouth, tiny bubbles bursting on her tongue. God damn it, the woman even makes those twirly pasta shapes look sexy. And as for the red jelly, I’ll never be able to see that at a kid’s party again without blushing.
Mind you, I still can’t quite relax watching them getting it on with all that food. I’m sitting there partly up for a kinky tasting session and partly getting really rather concerned. Like how is she not being sick crunching on peppers, slurping on medicine and sucking on olives all at once? Why is she not getting stressed about the fridge door being left open, all that wasted money on energy bills? And why is she letting a gallon of milk get poured all over her dressing gown? Because we all know that’s going to smell like sick in the morning.
The truth is though, mixing my two favourite ‘f‘ words together is bloody amazing. It IS sexy and it IS worth trying at least once in your sex life. But how are you going to make it work?
Firstly, be careful when you first propose the idea of enjoying food and sex together. For instance, don’t let him balance his Happy Meal on your boobs while he gets jiggy with it and nibbles on his fries. I’ve come to realise that’s every man’s fantasy (especially if he can still see the footy over the top of your head).
So no, I don’t mean wining, dining and sixty-nineing all at once. That will just give you indigestion.
I mean scintillating your senses and getting him to take you to the brink of ecstasy while stimulating all your pleasure zones. Taste, scent, sounds and plenty of sensations. That’s what you’re after. And this is how you can get it.
Simply follow my strict Dos and Don’ts when it comes to incorporating food into foreplay. What might start off as sexy and playful can easily end up as an embarrassing trip to A&E and very sore genitalia, so take note….
DO use Champagne. I learnt this tip from a prostitute (don’t ask) and it’s been very popular. Simply fill your mouth with bubbly (Cava and Prosecco will do) and go down on your man. The cool liquid against his warm skin and your warm tongue, coupled with the tiny bubbles against his sensitive areas will have him in raptures.
DON’T use Sprite. Oops! I was a skint backpacker and it was the only bubbly I could find. Apparently it’s colder than Champagne and the bubbles are bigger and ‘stop, what the fuck are you doing? That HURTS!’ was not the response I was after. And no, Cola and Fanta are no good either.
DO use ice. Especially when blindfolded. Even better when used on you. It keep nipples erect and can numb the clitoris enough to only be thawed by other means (I will let your imagination take over from here).
DON’T let him get carried away with a popsicle. Yes I know Calipos are comical in that they pop in and out and are vaguely phallic-shaped but it’s not really funny and it’s sticky and you may get thrush from all that sugar down there. Make your own out of water if you really want. But running after the ice cream man and asking for his biggest and longest lolly might be taking it a step too far.
DO get the whipped cream out. We all love a bit of whipped cream and it’s especially good when licked off certain body parts. Basically it’s just a great excuse to eat loads of cream.
DON’T use jam. Especially raspberry jam. With bits in. Raspberry jam seeds are tiny and end up in small places. I am unfortunately talking from experience. He wasn’t best pleased when picking fruit seeds out of his nether regions.
DO get the chocolate out. Did you know chocolate is the only food type that melts at body temperature? Which is why it feels so good letting it melt in your mouth. Warm chocolate sauce licked off any part of the body is good. It goes without saying really.
DON’T just sit there and eat a full bar of Galaxy while mumbling ‘piss off, this chocolate is better than any lay I’ve ever had off you’ – as tempting as that may be – because it’s not nice. True, maybe. But not nice.
DO use fruit. The juicier the better. Strawberries, raspberries (not jam), melon, pineapple, papaya (oooh, I’m getting exotic now), kiwi (watch those tiny pips again) and even little ones like grapes and blueberries passed from your mouth to theirs.
DON’T choke. And don’t stuff an apple in his gob. And don’t suck on a banana. What are you? A cheap 70’s porn star?
DO drink plenty of water. Stay hydrated. Go shag in the shower, swimming pool, sea, waterfall (while drinking Champagne and letting papaya dribble down your chin, we can but dream) or even the bath. Kissing with water in your mouth is also strangely erotic. As is having sex while water cascades over you.
DON’T shag at the bus stop just because it’s raining and I told you it would feel sexy. Yes, even if you have a bottle of Evian in your handbag. Just wait until you’re alone. The 143 bus may have steamy windows but you are not Tina Turner.
And lastly… shut the fridge door, get up off the tiled kitchen floor and wash your bed sheets afterwards. Seriously, Kim and Mickey may be all saucy and sexy in that film but I pity their electric bill and her poor cold numb bum. And as for all that cleaning and washing the next day? Something tells me Mickey didn’t get laid for a long time after their impromptu waste of perfectly good food… messy buggers!
