From Crutchless to Shameless… our Drawers are Full of Drawers
I was watching a re-run of Gok Wan’s ‘How To Look Good Naked’ the other day and my first thought was, ‘Gok, you are a hero for how you bring confidence and self-esteem to so many women’s lives’ and my second thought was ‘Gok, you are talking crap!’ Why? Because he said women should only have two kinds of knickers. TWO! The ones that hold in your tummy and sexy ones.
Really? Bullshit!
You see, I’m a woman (and he isn’t) and I know that us girls have loads of different kinds of knickers… because women have more than two different kinds of occasions to go to and different things going on down there at different times. So I had a think, and a rummage through my drawers, and realised that in fact we have at least 10 different type of panties to our disposal.
So ladies, tell me if I’m missing any…
1. Comfy & Simple
This is what we wear 90% of the week. They might be our faves from some fancy lingerie shop, or more than likely a couple of packs of 5 black, stretchy, seamless M&S briefs – but they do the job. They can’t be seen under our tight trousers, they cover our bums and they wash well. Nothing too exciting about that.
2. Pretty with Matching Bra
These are normally gifts… unless you are really rich and lucky and have a bra to go with every pair of knickers you own. In which case we can no longer be friends. Because normal women wear their bras like they wear jeans, day after day after day without giving them any thought. Unless there is a huge unsightly stain or unsavoury odour, we forget they even need washing. So no, we don’t have many of the matching sets, and when we DO wear them it’s to places where we expect people to appreciate our matching-ness (like on a date or to the spa with friends).
3. Little Thongs
Some women love these. I know that because it’s a popular topic of conversation between my friends and I. I see women in the gym in front of me wearing thongs and I can’t help but picture a cheese wire gliding through a hunk of Cheddar. Personally, I don’t like them. On a good day it’s like having a perpetual wedgie, on a bad day it’s like I’m walking about with a finger up my arse. If you are going to wear white trousers or a slinky dress, I understand you have to wear them or go commando. But either way, I just can’t buy the ‘you can’t even feel them’ argument, so I must have a weird bum.
4. Period Pants
Yep. We all have these. See, Gok! Would you have us walking about in wisps of saucy lace or stomach-restricting tummy flatteners when we are going through the pains and and tribulations of our menstrual cycle, with all the discomfort and mess that brings? No!
We wear big and baggy versions of numbers 1, 5 and 6. The frayed, the faded, the ugly, the loose and the unsightly. Because that is how we are feeling and accidents happen – and we will not let them happen on a pair of knickers that cost the same as a meal out!
5. Apple Catchers
These are like Number 1 but higher-waisted. Because – fat days. Because – cosy. Because – because. These are so loose that it’s like wearing nothing, but so high it’s like getting an eternal hug. Some call them Granny Pants, I call them ‘I’m having a lazy day at home, no one will see them and what’s it to you, anyway’ pants.
6. Maternity Bottoms
Why oh why do we mothers still own our maternity knickers? I do. They are the most revolting things imaginable. Mine are dark beige… why?! I don’t know. They reach my boobs and they are never ever going to be worn again, but I can’t throw them away.
7. Novelty Knickers
God knows what they are still doing in the drawer, probably never worn (and definitely weren’t bought by the wearer) but there they are, still with the label on. Maybe it was a Secret Santa gift of red lace and seasonal white fluffy trim, or an edible pair made from red liquorice that your mate made you buy as a joke from Ann Summers or the pair your ex boyfriend bought you that say ‘Your Present Is Inside’. No! You won’t ever wear them, but you won’t chuck them as they are brand new and never been worn. Okay, maybe you will hold on to them until it’s someone else’s turn to receive a shit Secret Santa gift.
8. The Sexy
These were expensive. There is hardly anything to them. They come with a matching suspender belt or transparent corset or nipple tassels (I don’t know!! Whatever floats your boat). But they have been worn, and they will be worn again. Maybe only once or twice a year but they get your other half going and that’s reason enough to hold on to them.
9. Gripper Knickers
Mr Wan’s faves, the Bridget Jones ‘hold it all in’ big girl pants! They are really uncomfortable, they cost a fortune, they mean you can’t eat anything the entire day that you wear them and you end up with a deep red line below your rib cage but hey… you look 1.3 inches slimmer as now all your fat has been squidged up over your pants and is oozing out somewhere beneath your armpit. But that’s fine, that’s what cardigans are for.
10. Will Never Ever Fit Again, but not Chucking them
Pretty little satin French knickers you had when you were eighteen and will never ever fit into again, but you hold on to them because one day you tell yourself you will fit into them again. Sometime you even have a go at prising them over your thighs, but that’s just depressing and makes you reach out for a doughnut and your Granny Pants.
Because who gives a shit? Really?
Knickers are there to cover your bottom, stop anything getting in or getting out and sometimes someone you fancy will see them… but by then they are only interested in you taking your panties off. So don’t get your knickers in a twist about it!
So there you have it, Gok. There are in fact TEN kinds of knickers in our drawers, not two. Our collection probably amounts to 50 pairs of pants, but we rotate the same 9 on a weekly basis. After all, there IS a reason why the Comfy & Simple are Number 1 on our list!
