Would Your Relationship Survive?
A few weeks ago I sat down to drinks around a dinner table with three beautiful young ladies. All talented, all intelligent but all very much opinionated. Two of us are married, one divorced and one about to go through a divorce. The discussion topics around the table were as varied as Lady Lolita’s knicker drawer. Religion, love, sex, marriage, we touched upon the subject of our children of course, but we also talked politics. Who says all that mums talk about is their kids!?
But there was one topic that stood out for me, and has, well, not bothered me, but intrigued me ever since. When talking about sex, one of the ladies asked the question – “Would your marriage survive without sex?”
Immediately I answered ‘yes‘. I felt no need to qualify the remark, nor did I hesitate in my thinking. I was however shocked that it seemed I was the only one who thought so.
It wasn’t until we got further into the conversation that I understood why.
Sex is an unequivocally important aspect of any relationship and I don’t for one second dispute that, but when I asked the other ladies why they said no, it seems that what I didn’t understand is that the question itself was misleading.
Could my marriage last without sex? Yes. Because I truly believe there is more to our relationship than the physical act of sexual intercourse. Intimacy, understanding, conversation, humour, ambition and everything else that knits us together as a couple. They would all still be there even if the physical act of sex was not. But that was not what my gorgeous friend was asking.
Or at least, it was not the question that my divorced friends heard.
In their heads they heard, “If you were no longer having sex, can the relationship be sustained.”
I believe, that if something were to happen to me or my husband that rendered the physical act of sex impossible, we would still manage to sustain a loving relationship. We would (I hope) go to great lengths to find other ways to please each other. Find other ways to show love and affection. Using intimacy in other ways to maintain our relationship.
Do I believe that if my husband stopped wanting to have sex with me that our relationship would last? Of course not. But that is an entirely different matter. If he stopped wanting sex with me, he would, I presume (because he is male and human) look elsewhere. Adultery, in my book, is an act of betrayal a relationship can never recover from. So no, in that respect, if my husband no longer wanted to have sex with me it would mean there was something seriously wrong between us and our relationship would be over.
I, however, heard the question differently and wholeheartedly believe that sex is not just about the physical act. It’s about everything that goes hand in hand with it.
It seems like a running joke that all women need to ‘snuggle’ after sex. We need the connection. Yes we do – but come on men, in a relationship so do you. I agree that a one night stand is different. The physical act is done, you turn over and go to sleep – or even jump out of the bed, get dressed and leave… fair enough. Each to their own. In fact I have known more than a few women in my time who have played that part in a relationship time and time again. However, if you are in a long-term committed relationship, are you telling me that the men aren’t exactly the same?
Men crave and need affection too. They need to feel wanted, needed and desired just as much as the woman.
Now – I may not be helping my case by saying that – but hear me out. If all of a sudden the wife was unable to have sex – would the marriage disintegrate? I bloody hope not. Because men do not ask a woman to marry them simply because they are a pocket rocket between the sheets. They propose because they are in love and can see a life with that person.
During my entire pregnancy I dealt with crippling hyperemesis. The sickness was so extreme that when I was not in hospital hooked up to monitors and drips, I was crying so hard and most of the time could not lift my head from the pillow, much less bounce up and down on a bed. For the best part of 7 months during pregnancy and a good 2 months afterward (I’m sorry, but that whole 6 weeks after birth and you will be fine for sex to me is utter bulls**t) I had very little desire to have my husband anywhere near me. We worked around that. We are of course still happily married and I went through a similar pregnancy just 2 years later. So for at least 18 months of our relationship we were NOT having sex every night!
Shock Horror!
Are we still married? Yes.
Are we more in love now than we were then? We are!
So tell me, if your husband could not have sex, but you still loved him… would you make it work? Would you find a way?
I would hope that for most it would be a resounding yes, otherwise why the hell did you get married in the first place?
The best piece of advice I was ever given was this:
“Marry someone who will make you laugh, because when everything else is gone you will need humour to get you through”.
I married the funniest, sexiest and most shaggable guy I have ever met. He is my rock and my ladder, my laughter and my tears, my passion and my pain.
So would I find a way to keep him if the sex disappeared? Hell yes!
