8 Things you Should Never Say to Someone with Anxiety
I have always been slightly neurotic. I know this. In fact, I am the type of person who would worry if I didn’t have something to worry about. I can honestly say that I believe it stemmed from childhood. My father was in the forces, so my mother basically had to raise us alone a lot of the time. Between his tours in The Gulf and his time in The Falklands, my mum had three kids to raise by herself.
There is nothing normal about growing up as a RAF Brat. You learn from a young age about terrorism, you check under car wheel arches for bombs and never turn the hallway light on before you answer the door at night. It was a stressful upbringing. At least that is what I can see now. Back then it was normal. It was the only life I knew.
So really, when I look back, is it any surprise that I developed anxiety? Many people think I am just neurotic. My need for rules and regulations are funny to them and the necessity for me to follow laws and respect authority makes me “stuffy and uptight”. The problem is, I can’t control it.
The older I get, the more I struggle. Just this last month I had a full blown panic attack. My heart pounding, mouth utterly dry, and I swear I thought I was going to pass out. I couldn’t breath. Why? Because our MOT on the car had run out and I was utterly terrified I would be pulled over by the police. I have never been pulled. I have never had a speeding ticket, and I have never ever been in trouble with the police; but I was convinced that on the 10 minute drive from our local supermarket to our house we would be stopped and I would end up in the police station.
Irrational, right? Well, it doesn’t matter. Anxiety is not something you can control. I am learning that now.
At night I worry about everything. The list of things that are yet to be done, that have to be finished, that need cleaning or organising… it writes itself on the ceiling and illuminates my bedroom. It keeps me awake.
It wasn’t until recently that I started to question if this is just because I worry or if I really do suffer with Anxiety.
If I suffer from Anxiety, there are coping methods. I am a control freak and if I have a problem.. then that’s not a problem, that’s a challenge. That gives me something to work on, something to fix, something to overcome. Something to control.
With that in mind, I started to think about some of the things that I would have to sit down and explain to my husband. Certain things that trigger my anxiety or even exacerbate it. So I made a list. Because that’s what people with anxiety do. They make lists of everything. Lists of things they stress about and lists of ways they could stop themselves stressing about said lists. Yes I am aware that even that sounds stressful. Welcome to my world.
So, here are 8 things that I think people should STOP saying to people who have anxiety.
1. “Chill Out!”
Do you think we want to be this stressed? Do you think telling us to chill out is going to help at all? If you are telling us to chill out, it is generally because we have already lost the plot. In which case, pointing out to us that we are stressed will NOT help matters. Stress and anxiety are different. Stress is frustration. Anxiety is frustration with added nerves and multiplied a million times. Panic, stress, frustration… all heightened. Trust me, it’s great fun, and we would love to ‘chill out’ – but it’s not that simple. Stress leads you to reach for a glass of wine to relax, anxiety has you up all night, throwing up with nerves and reaching for a sleeping pill just so you can shut it all off for a few hours!
2: “Stop Stressing, it’s fine.”
But it’s not, is it? If everything were fine, we wouldn’t be stressing in the first place. Everyone feels stress at some time in their life. That’s normal. But stress and anxiety are two completely different things. You can stress about the fact that your mother in law is coming to stay. Anxiety is the panic that sets in because you know there is no way you will ever be happy with the state of the house when she gets here. Not sleeping the night before she arrives and wanting to run and throw up the second you hear the car pull into the drive. Telling us to “stop stressing” is utterly futile. If we could, we would. Simple.
3. “It’s all in your head.”
Well aren’t you just a condescending little prick! Anxiety is an actual condition. It is the way a brain is wired. So in a way you are right, it is of course ‘all in my head’ – but unfortunately I am not a neurosurgeon, so save someone going in and untangling the mess of wires that are crisscrossed in there, it’s not gonna help matters. I know I am being irrational. Just like most people with irrational fears know they are irrational. It doesn’t stop their fears! Give me a tarantula to hold any day of the week, I can rationalise that. The fear that descends when I worry about whether the car will pass its MOT… nope… for some ridiculous reason I cannot stop that panic!
4. “Why don’t ask the doctor for some pills?”
Really? You say all the time ‘I’m fat’ – totally in your head of course, and even if not, it is totally fixable. Why don’t you get some diet pills. That will fix the problem right?
No!
Because getting to the root of the problem and working on it is a much healthier option, right? It’s the same with anxiety. Pills are not the answer. They are a plaster that will need to be ripped off at some point. Medication is not always the answer. It might make your life easier having to deal with me, but it won’t make my life better in the long run.
How the hell do you know what goes on behind closed doors? Nobody’s life is ever perfect and everybody’s stresses are relative to what they have to deal with. Everyone has insecurities and problems in their life and although mine may not seem as important as yours, they are my problems and are stressful to me. So please don’t be so condescending. You cannot judge a book by its cover. My life may look perfect from the outside, but that is because I work hard to keep a smile on my face. It is half the reason I struggle with anxiety in the first place.
6. “Have you tried Yoga/Pilates/Meditation/Positive Thinking?”
“No, I haven’t. I actually enjoy waking up in cold sweats in the middle of the night and have no need to try and fix the problem.”
Of course I have tried naturally to fix the problem. Not everyone responds the same way to these types of solutions. Those who suffer from anxiety appreciate that you’re trying to help, really we do. But honestly, most of the time all we want, or need, is to he heard and not judged. Most of the time, getting the words out of our heads and off the tip of our tongues helps rationalise things and work it out. All we want it to be heard and not laughed at.
7. “You’re just a control freak!”
Well… Yes… Maybe I am! In fact, yes, I know I am. Trying to control situations that I know will make me anxious is the only way I can make it through the day most of the time. The only problem is, you cannot control the unknown, and that is where Anxiety stems from.
8. “You don’t even know if it will happen yet.”
Yep. You are dead right with that one. I don’t know it will happen yet. But knowing how I will react IF it happens will help me face the situation. I don’t know yet if I am going to miss my flight, but having a back up plan in case something happens to derail all my perfectly timed plans, that helps. So don’t call me neurotic, understand and accept that I make back up plans… and THANK me for it… because one of these days, things will not run smoothly, and when we DO miss our flight because you had to have that one last cigarette, you will be thankful that your anxiety ridden wife had a back up plan already in motion. Trust me!
So next time you are talking to someone who suffers with Anxiety, think twice about what you say and how you react to them. It’s not their fault, and they are just as frustrated with the situation as you are. Try being a little more patient, you never know, you may end up helping them rather than making the situation worse.
