By Miss Pollyanna, 29th May 2015

Jude Law is a Viennese Whirl

The Question is: Are you Death by Chocolate or a Jam Tart?

The Question is: Are you Death by Chocolate or a Jam Tart?

I’ve worked for souffles, dated apple pies in need of a good pinch of spice and been friends with way too many flaky pastries…Yes, for every person in our lives, there is a corresponding cake. Forget astrology and cancel your dating website subscriptions. I’m talking the art of CakeologyBecause Everybody is Cake.

Mr Seb
Mr Seb

So let’s begin by taking a look at some famous (and wannabee famous) examples:

Prince Harry
Harry’s a Flapjack. A definite Flapjack. Flapjacks are deceiving. Jack the Lads dressed up in regimented uniform… the only hint of unconventional coming from a sultana here or a corner dipped in chocolate there. But take a bite and POW they’re syrupy naughtiness all the way to the last crumb!

Peter Andre
Well, Gino D’Acampo may well dedicate his Torta di Ricotta e Caffe to his good buddy Mr Andre in his ‘Italian Home Baking‘ cookbook, but I’ll beg to differ. No, Pete’s a definite Sticky Toffee Cheesecake. And probably of the Iceland variety – super sickly and sweet. A little goes a very long way – and not in that sense of the word either – I mean Pete’s the kind of cake to be eaten in very small quantities. And preferably with a large glass of water to cut through the sugary topping and cream cheesy-ness.

Jude Law
Adonis-like guys are one cake and one cake only: Yes, Jude Law is a Viennese Whirl. Beautiful boys, pretty boys, too good to be true boys. These cake types entrance women (and men) from the very first bite, twirling them round and round with promises of a Disney-esque liaison that will go on forever and ever Amen. Until all too soon it’s over. Not even a crumb remains. Just a speck of icing sugar which now resembles talcum powder… you wonder if you imagined the whole thing after all… and cry into your cuppa for more.

Ed Milliband
Poor old Ed. He’s a plain scone I’m afraid. Oh, he’ll try and dress himself up with the promise of double clotted cream policies. He might even claim he’ll serve them up in his Mum’s best blue Chinese willow pattern crockery… and with a dollop of strawberry jam on top. But not even the thrill of a pot of tea besides could jazz this one up.

The Duchess of Cambridge
Classically beautiful Kate is the Victoria Sandwich. Timeless and regal. Kate is the creme de la creme of the cake world. For there is nothing to be improved upon with a slice of Vicky Sponge. Everything is perfectly balanced, traditionally made and tastes quite divine.

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Dotty Finlow
Dotty Finlow

Lady Gaga
When it comes to the new Queen of Pop, it has to be the Brooklyn Blackout Cake. Powerful, rich, moody yet packed full of SHAZAM. This cake is the undisputed star of the show. It’s rock ‘n’ roll on a plate. Delectable, delicious and too much will give you one helluva migraine.

Jennifer Lopez
JLo can only be Churros. In the plural. Dipped in hot chocolate sauce. Curvy and full-bodied, fried in sizzling oil, no holding back. Equally scrumptious au naturel or embellished with sugar and velvety cocoa. To be devoured or savoured; that is up to the feaster. The ultimate satisfaction at 6am after a night out in Madrid.

Katie Price
We could debate something pink and full of air. But then we wouldn’t have taken into account Katie’s tart and bitter side. And so it simply has to be a Lemon Meringue Pie… and very important to use a balloon whisk to inflate to the correct size of ego. But for all my own totally uncharacteristic bitterness here, what I want to emphasize is KP’s sweet side too. And that’s why the pairing of lemon and meringue AND a pie is perfectly over the top. In Katie’s world, why have less when you can have more?

Are you starting to see how we could be restructuring our entire world with the help of cake to define ourselves?

Just think of all the wonderful ways in which proper cake compatibility would improve our political parties, boy bands, reality TV shows and Royal Family! Then there’s our own families. That’s a little trickier. True. I mean we can’t suddenly convince our parents to split up because one’s a Battenburg, the other a Bakewell Slice. No wonder there have been so many fireworks over the years!

Henry Cooksey
Henry Cooksey

We can’t exactly disown our sister either just because it’s now become apparent she’s a Pineapple Upside Cake… tempting though it may be.

But what we can do is use all of our new found cake intellect to better organise family dinners. For example, my Father-in-law is a Stewed Plum Pudding, whilst I am alternate shades of a Parisien Macaroon – depending on mood. Best not to sit us opposite one another for a lengthy three course meal then. But a more neutral palate pleasing and laid back Madeira cake such as my husband will make for F-I-L’s perfect conversational birds’ eye view. Problem solved.

And now when we look at Women’s Coffee Mornings we can even inject a little fun and games into the proceedings with those too. We can sit two Apple Turnovers together and watch things get more heated by the sarcastic remark. We can squeeze a Red Velvet Cupcake in-between a couple of Eccles Cakes as a social experiment… and watch the crumbs fly.

Not to forget the phenomenon of the work’s Christmas party. Imagine the scenario when the karaoke machine comes out after the meal and the Guiness Gingerbread boss is paired up with the unassuming Shortbread. Never mind boy-girl-boy-girl around the table, Fairy Cake-Death by Chocolate-Fairy Cake-Death by Chocolate should liven things up to achieve the required Monday morning office gossip results. And if you need any more inspiration, you can always throw in a couple of Jam Tarts…

So let’s go have our cake and eat it!



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