By Lady Lolita, 19th April 2017

Kitchen Nightmares

10 Reasons why it’s Safer to Stay out of the Kitchen

10 Reasons why it’s Safer to Stay out of the Kitchen

I have a new kitchen and it’s bliss. All the chrome bits are still shiny and fingerprint free. Crumbs are not yet deposited in hard to reach places and I have drawer organizers that have all the right things in the right places. It’s so bloody exciting I just want to stand and stare at its brilliance and not cook a thing or even turn the tap on. Because as soon as anything kitcheny starts to happen in there then it’s all going to go to pot!

Here are ten things that give me kitchen nightmares…

1. Tupper-where is the fucking lid?
Tupperwear cupboards! Even the thought of them makes me come out in hives. It’s even worse once you have kids as every bloody cup, plate and bowl is plastic, brightly coloured and unstackable. Trying to match the sippy cup to the right lid and find the right sized round lid to the round pot is like a sodding Mensa test. When my two girls were little I killed two birds with one stone – I chucked away their stacking toys and sat them in front of the kitchen cupboard in the vain hope they would exercise their hand to eye co-ordination and match all the sodding lids to the right sodding Tupperwear!

2. Small puddles of water that make your socks wet
I don’t know where these come from, with kids around the house it may not even be water, but when I’m walking around wearing just socks on my feet you can bet if there is one minuscule drop of water, I will step in it. And then I will have to change a whole pair of socks just for one weeny water patch. Then what? Wash my socks for the sake of a tiny drop of water, or just dry them half worn and wear them later? God, it bothers me!

3. The pan that won’t fit in the dishwasher
There’s always one that won’t fit. And I will prefer to spend ten minutes trying to squeeze it into the machine and risk the entire load not washing properly – and then having to switch the dishwasher back on again two hours later – than spend one minute washing the pot by hand. Because if I liked washing up I wouldn’t own a dishwasher.

Ersu via Flickr

4. Losing things under the sink
I don’t know what lives under there. It’s dark, dank and full of cleaning stuff that has accumulated over the centuries that I swear I didn’t even put there. All I know is that when I need a new scourer, searching for it under the sink is akin to going potholing – equipped with elasticated light on the head, pick axe and safety ropes. I’m going in!

5. Plastic spatulas that melt. Why?!!
That’s all I have to say about that.

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6. Sticky non-stick pans
It’s bad enough when the label on your non-stick frying pan won’t come off (for those still struggling with the concept of irony, that’s it, just there) but after a few goes at cooking with your new shiny pan and shouting out ‘look, a fried egg with no oil that just slides right off!’ then it stops working. Everything starts sticking. And I swear I only use wooden spatulas and wash by hand (errrr, maybe) and don’t stack them on top of each other… so why don’t my pans stick to staying non-stick?

7. When you sprinkle herbs out the wrong hole
That really fucks me off. I want a pinch of oregano and I now have a bloody heap of grass cuttings on my dish. It’s ruined. All because I picked the wrong side of the herb jar. And there are now minuscule specks of green all over my counter and hob and floor which will be sticking to my (probably damp) socks for the rest of the week.

8. Cleaning up a dropped egg
Of all the things to have to clean up, egg is the worst. Because not only is the initial drop in slow-mo (nooooo, iiits faaalliiing) but when it breaks you never know what to use to pick it up with. I opt for kitchen roll, but inevitably it never quite scoops it all up and the egg half slithers back out my grasp and on to the floor. And if you don’t clean it all (because half of it is transparent for God’s sake, you can’t even see it properly) then it turns into superglue. So good luck with that one.


9. Thin bin bags
I try to buy the best, seriously I do, but most are shit. Like the supermarket plastic bags they have the audacity to sell you now. I have a terrible fear of thin bin bags following an unfortunate incident in my late teens. Not a lot scares me, and not a lot disgusts me, except that one time my sister and I were home alone for a week as older teenagers. It was the middle of summer and we were ignoring the full rubbish bag, so after day 5 it stunk so much we (no, we didn’t take it out to the bins) stuck it out on the balcony, then after a week we finally took it downstairs to the flat’s communal bins. Except I didn’t make it to the last landing and the bin bag split open. And it was rancid and full of maggots. And I spent over an hour with plastic bags over my hands clearing up decaying rubbish and insects, retching and then bleaching the stairs, while the neighbours screamed at me. So that’s why I hate thin bin bags (and why teenagers are stupid and lazy)!

10. Stinky fingers
Garlic, onions, fish, prawns, spices, curry. Cooking makes your fingers smell bad. And unless you are weird and like wearing latex in the kitchen, you have to put up with it. Although I have learnt an amazing trick for getting rid of garlic odours on the skin…rub your hands/fingers along metal (like the tap) then wash in water but don’t rub your hands together or dry them…and the smell goes. Go on, try it.

Or do as I will be doing this year and simply don’t step into the kitchen – don’t cook, don’t clean and don’t touch the surfaces. That way you can avoid the above, visit all the local restaurants and best of all enjoy your beautiful shiny kitchen while it lasts.

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