Your Friend is on a Diet and she’s Being an Idiot!
We’ve all been there. Our friend who’s not exactly fat, but has a bit of a wobbly tum, has declared after her last Pizza Hut blow out whilst nursing a hangover from hell, that she is never ever drinking again and she’s going to lose weight.
“Yep, honest, stop rolling your eyes at me… this time I AM going to start eating well,” she cries. “And I WILL lose weight.” You tell her she looks great as she is and that she needn’t bother. But come on, you know it’s not true, you know she probably could do with dropping a few pounds and laying off the booze but you have to be kind as a) it will make her feel better about herself and b) it means you won’t have to go through the bullshit that goes with having a friend on a diet.
Because these are the 10 annoying things dieters do:
1. Try and convert you
“Have you tried my new detox plan? Oh it’s so good, I’ve lost 9lbs already and I’m never hungry. You should try it. It’s great for your hair, skin, bones, teeth, finger nails, weight loss, water retention, liver cleansing, bad breath, brain power…”
No. It isn’t. Because you have been struggling with this ridiculous regime for the last three weeks and you look exactly the same. And your last Beansprout and Egg White Diet wasn’t much of a success either, or the one where you had to eat a grain of sand every three hours while standing on your head. No. I’m not joining your craziness… eat some carbs and start thinking straight.
2. Tell you how much weight they have lost, every three hours
“I’ve lost a pound since yesterday!!”
Yep, I do that every morning… it’s called taking a crap. Have a glass of water and a slice of watermelon and it will come back.
3. Make going out to eat a nightmare
“I’ll have a salad, please. No cheese, extra broccoli, dressing on the side. Are there nuts on it? Can they be raw almonds because I can’t have fried salted nuts. No bread, maybe extra rocket. I’ll have tomatoes but no olive oil on them. Oh, the salad doesn’t come with broccoli? Well do you do stir fries? Do you use coconut oil or sunflower oil? I can’t have noodles, maybe extra carrots instead? And are the vegetables organic?”
It’s Nando’s! Just have a fucking burger like everyone else and leave the poor waiter alone!
4. Make food shopping a marathon event
I love going food shopping – you look at all the delicious food and you buy it. Unless you are with a Dieter, then it’s a matter of stopping every two products to check that tiny box of numbers on the side of the packet. That little box we all avoid when we don’t want to know what’s really in our delicious food. Your shopping trip is accompanied with ‘Oooooh, look at the fat content in that! – Oh God, so many E numbers! – Have you seen how many grams of sugar there is in this?! – How can this only contain 28% meat?!” So you walk away with two organic apples and some celery you don’t even want (then as soon as your friend goes you sneak back to Aldi because they have a fresh pastries counter).
5. Try and make you move more
“Let’s not take the lift, it’s only seven floors up. Let’s take the stairs two at a time… race you!”
No. I like to arrive at the office without sweat marks under my pits and able to breath, ta. Plus, racing? Are we five years old? On your own…
6. Ask you ‘Does this make me look fat‘?
No. You don’t look fat. That top doesn’t make you look fat either. No, you weren’t fat to begin with. No, you look fine. No, you can really see you have lost one and a half pounds, really, you can. You look lovely. Can we go now please?
7. Drink weird shit
Would I like some of your kale, spinach and betroot juice? Errr no, that’s liquidized salad drawer and it smells like an allotment after a wet summers day. It’s rank. And at 6am that is not what I want to drink. I’ll have a coffee, or a glass of water or better yet – go back to sleep. What’s that? A shot of wheat grass? Grass? You want me to drink grass? No. I might have a smoothie though, but only if it’s a fudge chocolate sundae one with extra marshmallows. Oh, that’s a milkshake? Then no.
8. Lose their temper all the time
They are hungry, or hangry – as the experts call it. Ever wondered why those super skinny gorgeous girls are always so bitchy? Because they are hungry! People that eat cake are round and jolly, like Santa, stick with them.
9. Do a lot of fat pinching
Stop grabbing your muffin top and wobbling it in my face. Stop shaking your thighs at me or grabbing your arse and talking about cellulite. Stop doing that. And that bit, that’s skin. SKIN! You need it to wrinkle a bit or you would rip open when you bend over.
10. Give in, eat their weight in donuts then blame you
Did you really think that surviving on dust, air and the scent of green tea was going to be enough to sustain you? Did you really think that a trip to the cinema with a handbag full of celery sticks, then a fizzy water down the pub was going to last? No. It wasn’t. Now look at you, with your chocolate moustache and WKD blue spilled all down your top. You came back hungrier than a rabid dog. Well don’t blame me, I wasn’t going to stay away from Krispy Kreme just because you’ve had a hard day at work. It was your dirty one night stand with the saturated fat… deal with it.
Or better yet, don’t diet in the first place.
Just eat normal amounts of normal food like a normal person. Or try my Cut The Crap detox. Did I ever tell you about that? I’ve lost 9lbs in one month and I’m never hungry. You should try it. It’s great for your hair, skin, bones, teeth, finger nails, weight loss, water retention, liver cleansing, bad breath, brain power…