By The Duchess, 3rd April 2016

From Vajacials to Glitter Pits

10 Crazy Beauty Fads that need to Fade

10 Crazy Beauty Fads that need to Fade

I won’t profess to be a beauty expert.  In fact I pride myself on caring less about primping and preening than most of the ‘millennials’ that strut around the high streets these days. When did the world of beauty become less about being yourself and more about looking like every other Barbie doll on the street?!

I take care of myself, I try to look good for myself and my man as much as I can, but some of the beauty fads that have come into the public eye over the last ten years have made me wonder if we are becoming less natural beauties and more catwalk showcases.

There is something to be said for those who are comfortable enough in their own skin to shun the beauty fads of today and stick to the natural look. At least that is what I tell myself when I am invited to the latest “Botox Party”.

As much as I could write a whole article on fads such as Botox or tattooed makeup and permanent false lashes, it is the ‘secret’ beauty fads that really have me perplexed.

Lets just stop for a moment and consider this: Do we really think that Queen Cleopatra would have vajazzeled down there?

Would Marilyn Munro have considered vaginal reconstruction?

Can any of us see Grace Kelly asking her makeup artist to consider clown contouring?

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Hell no! These ladies embraced their natural beauty and enhanced what they had, both good and bad. Marilyn had the biggest bad-ass curves in the industry and embraced them. She may have had her insecurity issues but there is something deep inside me that believes that this amazing woman would never have gone as far as anal bleaching to impress JFK?

Okay, so that last line may have shocked a few of you, because let’s face it, those kind of words and subjects are more likely to be discussed by Lady Lolita and not The Duchess. But it was a discussion about that very topic that got me thinking about this in the first place.

I was watching a stand-up show with American funny lady, Chelsea Handler – and her routine was flawless, it had me in fits of laughter. She was so right, who exactly are you preening that area for? And who decided we need to?

Who on earth woke up one day and thought “You know what, if we bleach the bit around a woman’s anus, it may make her more attractive to men.” What the actual f**k? It is not like me to talk like this I realise, but the whole thing seems utterly insane.

So, it got me thinking about the other beauty fads that have had me shaking my head in utter confusion.

1: The Vajazzle
This wondrous beautifying treatment was first glamorised in the UK by the women of the cult reality TV show TOWIE (The Only Way is Essex) back in 2012. But it was actually the beautiful Jennifer Love-Hewitt who brought the idea to life two years previously. She dedicated an entire chapter to the beauty treatment in her book The Day I Shot Cupid. After talking about “Vajazzling your Vajayjay” on National TV, the term became the most searched for Google term the very next day.

There is, however, a downside to this glitterific downstairs adornment. In the very year that Amy Childs and the TOWIE cast glamorised the latest fad, hospitals in the UK saw a 50% rise in A&E admissions.

Imagine the scene, “I’m sorry Doctor for wasting your time, I just can’t seem to get the sparkles out of my nether regions” – Holy Lord above. What has the world come to?

2: Vajaycial
As if adorning your Vajayjay was not enough, then came the Vajacial. Because of course you couldn’t think of sticking glittery gems all over your preened areas without first making sure it’s pretty enough to be adorned. I mean really? You get a facial because you want the skin on your face to look good, because people can SEE the skin on your face. If you are worried about how your skin looks down there, you are either letting too many people see it in the first place, or the people that are looking are so materialistic that they themselves need help.

According to the, everyone should have a “well-manicured muff.” (I wish you could all see my face as I write this. I can’t even begin to describe my utter horror.) The last thing I want to do is book a monthly appointment to have my lady parts lathered and plucked so intimately. I still blush when I book a waxing appointment. That is more than close enough!

3: Vagina Herb Bouquet
Vagina Detox
Yes – you read that right. So, we have gone from manicuring our lawns, to beautifying them and now they need to smell like a rose garden too!
These little pods of what I can only describe as potpourri were just one step to far for me. According to many, these little pods of herbs will leave you feeling tighter and cleansed and rid of all toxins.

My first thought, and I was not alone in this thinking, is what about Toxic Shock Syndrome, or allergic reactions? Thankfully, it wasn’t long before many many health professionals called out this ridiculous fad and warned people of the damaging effects it could have. Take it from me, this is not a beauty fad you want to go anywhere near!

4: Semen Facial
Semen Facial
This one just tipped my ‘eww’ factor well over the edge. I am all for trying new creams to help revitalise your glowing complexion and if you want to spend a months’ salary on a special cream that is made from minerals only found in the Dead Sea then crack on. But to go as far as to put semen on your face? How many of you would actually pay for the privilege (if you can call it that!). I don’t think I need to say anymore on this one, and quite frankly don’t want to. If you really want to know the pros and cons of this utterly ridiculous treatment, you can have a look here – otherwise… just say no!

5: Contouring
Embed from Getty Images

Now I can finally digress away from the nether regions, because let’s face it, it is not an area that I like to discuss anyway. So, as I move away from making ‘down there’ look different, I move on to making you look different all together.

When you were born, you were given a beautiful face. Your mother kissed those beautiful cheeks and marveled at those gorgeous eyes. Your husband/partner/girlfriend looked at that face one day and decided that it was beautiful too – so why, on God’s green earth, would you feel the need to use so much make-up and so many ‘techniques’ to make your face look different?
I got so lost looking at this article in particular that I honestly closed the lid of my laptop and thought “just get out in the sun and get some natural colour on your cheeks. A swipe of lip gloss and a wave of mascara is all you need!”

You are beautiful the way you were made – so stop trying to change the shape of your face with layers and layers and layers of make-up. It is so utterly unnecessary.

6: The Jenner Pout

Oh my Lord, this one had me up in arms. Your lips, will, no matter how hard you try, thin out as you get older. That is life. Fuller lips are a sign of fertility and that is one of the main reasons scientists think men are attracted to the Angelina Jolie style lip. But the fact of the matter is, at 17, you should not be worried about looking ‘fertile’.

So why the hell were so many teenage girls so desperate to get bigger, fuller, fatter lips?

One answer… Celebrity. Kylie Jenner had the world in uproar when her slim feminine lips were suddenly looking much fuller. Fillers? Nope, just a plastic cup that she sucked on until it turned her lips into parodies of themselves.

This dangerous technique, (that let’s face it, someone clearly invented while sitting bored staring at a classroom chalkboard one day and sucking on a pen lid,) led to so many horrific and damaging ‘selfies’ that quickly flooded social media. Your lips are your own. Someone in your life, either past or present, has enjoyed kissing them just the way they are. So stop trying so God damn hard to be a celebrity and just be yourself.

7: HD Eyebrows

Now this one was a little tougher for me to write. You see, I was never a fan of the over-plucked wispy-brow look. Nature intended you to have eyebrows, they are there for a reason believe it or not. So plucking them all away seems totally ridiculous. However, we seem to have gone from one extreme to the other. HD Brows (or caterpillar brows as my hubby likes to call them) became all the rage when a certain supermodel (Cara Delevingne) took to the papers with eyebrows that were not only massive, but were darker than normal. I love the fact that we are not expected to pluck them to within an inch of our skin, but dark brown or black eyebrows when you have light or highlighted hair? It just seems like another level of false.

8: Glitter Roots

Tasha Leelyn
Tasha Leelyn

Honestly, need I say more? No person on this planet can honestly say they love this stuff. As a mum-to-be you dream of the days you can play crafts things with your kids and paint and glitter – then you get the stuff all over your living room floor and 6 months later the stuff is still showing up in your shower and bed sheets. Glitter is evil. So evil in fact that people have created a business out of sending the stuff to people you hate. So why the hell would you decide to cover up your roots with the stuff? Pillows, sheets, hairbrushes, car seats, sofas… everything would be covered in glitter. Oh my Lord, just the thought of it makes me twitch. However, when doing research for this article and stumbling across this video on youtube by Tasha Leelyn, my daughters are now nagging me to try it on them. But then they are 4 and 6 so they can be forgiven. If you have roots because your colour has grown out, go get your hair touched up. Don’t cover yourself (and everyone you will come into contact with) in glitter. It’s just not okay.

9: Glitter Freckles

#glitterfreckles .. A New Trend We Want To Embrace On The Daily🌌

A photo posted by • O N L I N E B L I N G • (@wanderduskjewellery) on

As if glitter roots were not enough, recently Cosmo admitted that Glitter Freckles are now the latest trend to hit the fashion scene. A note to all you millennials out there… stop. Just stop with all this ridiculousness. It’s not funny, it’s not cute. It’s dumb. If you are going out on a night out, a hen-night or a birthday then this would be great fun. An 80’s themed disco party even. But the problem with fads like this is that young adults take them too far and start using them during the day. Walking around the shopping centre looking like you have just stepped out a glitter factory does not make you look cool. It makes people question your sanity.

10: Glitter Pitts

Oh yes folks. The glitteratti just keep churning it out. You did indeed read that right. Glitter pits. Now I am all for feminism (in the right context of course) and if you want to grow out your armpit hair there is nothing wrong with that. Each to their own. I applaud women who shun social norms and live how they feel happiest. But no. No no no. Don’t go acting all feminist growing the hair out and then sprinkling it with glitter.

No. Just God damn stop it right there. Is there an inch of our bodies that people don’t want us to cover in glitter and jewels?

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