By The Duchess, 9th January 2017

Saggy Bum Syndrome

Why I Wish my Butt was Bigger

Why I Wish my Butt was Bigger

I am a petite woman. I was destined to be what my lovely husband likes to call a “short ass”. My mother is four foot nothing, and my father was not exactly a giant. So you see, with such a small body to work with, I have to be very careful how and where I put on weight. I suffer from that awful ailment that means when I put weight on, it goes on my stomach… and of course when I lose weight, it magically disappears from my boobs first! Whoever designed the human body obviously did not spot the flaw in the code for that one!

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not exactly a munchkin. In fact I am very proud of the 1/2 an inch that takes me just that tiny wee bit over 5 foot 2.

I am as petite in frame as I am in height, for that I am grateful. It meant that when I was a young girl, I could get away with buying cheaper clothes, because most of the time I was still shopping in the children’s wear section. However, now that my body has endured the battering of two pregnancies (and although I am not yet tipping the weight scale) it seems that little fat seems to sit in the most awkward area of my stomach… and with a small frame… I am sure it looks ten times worse than it actually is!

But the thing is, I don’t want to be a skinny minnie… I don’t like a body that looks emaciated, in fact I think that women look so much healthier when they are well rounded.


I do not wish to see elbows sticking out like sharp tools, or ribs poking out from underneath crop tops. It is not attractive. However, I would give my right arm to take the little extra fat that has accumulated around my waist, and stick it back on my… ASS!

I am jealous! Plain and simple – and I am not even in the slightest bit worried about admitting it.

I am not jealous about the models on the runway with their size zero figures, or socialites that strut their stuff at Cannes, or sweep down the red carpet wearing nothing but a tiny piece of cloth over their inhumanly thin shells of a body. I am jealous of the beautiful Spanish ladies I see walking around with their fabulous figures and voluptuous backsides!

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Each and every day I watch these gorgeous Spanish and Latina women who manage to carry their extra few pounds with the grace, poise and confidence of a supermodel! I want that!

Whilst doing the weekly shop, I found myself girl crushing on the beautiful woman standing ahead of me at the cash desk. She was at least a foot smaller than me, her waist was tiny, her boobs perfectly pert and her ass… Oh My Lord… it was big and bouncy… and beautiful. Her boyfriend, (clearly smitten) was stood in line next to her and with one swift move he smacked her ass and the girl giggled. As her ass cheeks wobbled and danced in her tight leggings I was envious.

This girl has a big booty. She wasn’t shy about it and she wasn’t covering it up – and best of all – it was perfectly pert! How the HELL do they manage that.

Since having my children I have gained and lost weight more times than I can count. Each time I gain weight on my stomach and lose it on my ass and boobs. As a result, both are now in a deadlock competition to see which one can reach the floor first! (My money is on my boobs.)

The boobs are to be expected after breastfeeding two children. They have earned their stripes and for the remaining years I will cradle them with comfortable bras and thank them for their hard work. My ASS on the other hand is suffering from Saggy Bum Syndrome and it does NOT have the same excuse.

I want a big booty. How do these gorgeous girls get their figure? Is there some kind of special exercise regime they follow to tone up, because I assure you I have tried every single one I know of.

Maybe it’s in the DNA – which is fair enough, that is not something that I can magically change… but honestly, looking at that gorgeous girl in the queue… confident, happy, bouncing with joy and bursting her tight-ass leggings at the same time, all I could think was… Damn Girl, I want your ass!

So – until I leave this godly planet and someone up there sees fit to send me back down to earth in a Spanish body, I will have to make do with my butt exercises.

Forget getting body beautiful for the summer, I want to get booty beautiful. Be gone saggy ass, give me a backside I am proud to wiggle in public and get rid of my jealousy over Latinas and their figures.

I would die to have an ass that jiggled rather than sagged!

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