By Miss Pollyanna, 5th November 2015

Yes… Women Fart

But it's a Man's World

But it’s a Man’s World

When it comes to the passing of gas – from either direction – the picking of a nose, the discreet (and not so discreet) re-arranging of one’s underwear, or the inconspicuous (and downright obvious) scratching of the derriere, we are living in the dark ages. Men can get away with it. Women cannot. Granted, this might not be the most beautiful of subjects to peruse, yet it is one that I feel needs to be aired for once and for all if we want to live on a level playing field.

girl crouching

Even the Queen farts.
As I, from time to time, find myself having to remind my husband, mum and children. And last time I checked, the Queen was a lady. Of the most royal calibre. But my point is this: the expulsion of wind is a natural bodily activity. In fact, medical professionals would agree that it is unavoidable. And so if we are putting it off to remain ‘socially acceptable’ we are probably doing ourselves more harm than the potential frown we risk receiving from our peers. And when we go on to consider that some of the healthiest foods in the world increase the production of gas, and that I.B.S (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) effects more females than males, is it any wonder that more often than not a woman finds herself having to hold everything in at the office, board room meeting, coffee morning with expectant mamas (where three quarters of the ladies are doing exactly the same anyway) or a packed cinema?

Now let’s get one thing perfectly straight…
I don’t want to hear… or more to the point, smell… anybody fart in public! But if it’s a right we so liberally grant to the male of the species; one which is generally laughed at, ticked off mildly or eye-rolled over if its perpetrator is a man, yet still, in the year that is 2015 we have not extended that liberty to the female sex, then well, something is very, very wrong. And it is precisely these subtle nuances which lie at the core of inequality today. Because every little counts. When the grass roots issues are fairer among the sexes, then the bigger stuff; the breaking of the glass ceilings in the workplace, the salaries, the winning of the cup verses the plate at Wimbledon, the lineage to the throne (which has also impacted upon the male of the species being first in line to many a family’s inheritance) simply cannot continue to play out for the advantage of the lads.

sorry letter

So ladies, stop saying sorry!
Miranda Hart has been trying to tell us this for years. I’m not encouraging either of the sexes to save up any of this frankly-better-behind-closed-doors style of behaviour for the next visit to a restaurant, the unbearably long supermarket queue or the 3 hour flight to the sunshine. But I AM insistent upon one thing: if you’re that uncomfortable… relieve yourself. And do not apologise, feel ashamed or embarrassed. You are only human. And in so doing, you give the rest of our species permission to tear up society’s rules and toss them into the air like confetti. In short, you start a Mexican wave of rebellion.

So parents think before you pass convention on to your children!
I know how easy it is. Oh, I know just how easy it is. We laugh at our ‘scamp’ of a boy (even though it makes our stomach heave) as we cast our eyes upon the bogey-encrusted bed spread and throw it into the wash… But when it comes to the girl. Oh, my! Didn’t we bring her up to be more ladylike than that? But wait up a minute… isn’t that just a roundabout way of saying it’s perfectly okay for a boy to climb trees but a girl should get back in the Wendy House to wash the dishes and iron the clothes? It is. We know it is.

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glass ceiling

The bottom scratching line is this:
We just can’t have it both ways. If we want equality, if we want this world to be a man’s and a woman’s world, then fairness needs to come into everything… and anything. Yes, even the dirty toe nails, even the accidental belch after a meal (and that’s a sign of appreciation in some parts of the world anyway), even the underarm hair and even the moustache that we’ve forgotten to bleach.

So ladies far and wide across the land: break those glass ceilings by breaking wind (if you so desire), pick your noses (when the occasion arises) and pick your knickers out your bottoms with confidence, too. It’s time to pick equality in every aspect of your lives!

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