By Lady Lolita, 23rd July 2016

Celebrity Boyfriend? No Thanks!

style="text-align: left;">Why Having a Famous Boyfriend is (Probably) a Bad Idea

Why Having a Famous Boyfriend is (Probably) a Bad Idea

Isn’t marriage wonderful? You pick one man, just the one, out of the millions and millions on this planet, and you choose to be with them for the rest of your life. Not just that, but the rest of your sex life.

I think about that often. Not because it’s a problem (I just about have the energy to put my pyjamas on at the end of the day; let alone go out on a man hunt, talk to randoms and then move on to performing interesting shapes beneath the sheets), but because it’s a pretty brave step. It’s actually saying ‘out of all the men I have met, or may meet, you alone are the one I pick and want to shag forever and ever and ever.’

But I can cope with that, because my husband and I have a Celebrity Get Out Clause. 

Basically this means we are allowed one famous person that, should the occasion arise, we are allowed to have sex with. Ah ah ah, nope, no arguments…we are ALLOWED. We AGREED.

Couple in bed

My husband, bless his cotton socks, deems it necessary to update me on a regular basis when his option has changed. This is serious business and he’s not taking any chances with me refusing his treat in the future. Sorry Jennifer Lopez, you super sexy Latina, you had your chance last month but he’s moved on over to a younger model today. It’s a safety net, that way we feel that we are choosing to be together because we could in fact pull anyone we want to on the red carpet at the Oscars. Because that’s so going to happen.

The other day he told me it was lucky Alicia Keys that had made the top of his list and this time I was impressed. She’s my favourite singer and a powerful talented woman…in fact I said that if he ever managed to take her to bed I would probably join in. I haven’t got enough time to write down the extent in which that got him ridiculously excited.

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You’ve got to be careful with this game though. An old work colleague of mine had a British movie actor on her ‘Celebrity Crush I’m Allowed To Sleep With’ list and guess what? Yep, you are miles ahead of me. She met him in a private member’s bar in London and he asked her out. And she dumped her boyfriend and went out with her super celeb…and there was nothing her boyfriend could do about it because it had been pre-agreed before she had ever met the star.

See! There’s hope, there’s hope.

So on to my list. Well I’ve been thinking about this quite a lot (what? Is making my kids’ dinner and hanging the washing out so thrilling that the mind can’t wander?) and I realized that there really aren’t any men out there without their flaws. Let me elaborate…

Since the day Johnny Depp blew me a kiss out of his car window in the film Cry Baby he has been at the top of my Want List. That’s a full 24 years of lust (who says I had no staying power?) after a man that can be anything from a debauched pirate and guitar playing chocolate lover, to Don Juan himself (yes, I’m purposely skipping the mental images of Willy Wonka, the Mad Hatter and Edward Scissor Hands). Then my friend’s mum bumped into him in a sweet shop in Somerset and said he smelt a bit. So that’s that idea fucked. Even though it’s most probable that it wasn’t him, and even though if it was I’d like to think that the whiff was an exotic mixture of expensive cigarettes, rum and his own pungent sweat after a crazy sex and drug-fueled night of lust. But it still kinda put me off.

So then I thought about other possible celebrity boyfriends.

Brad Pitt – You can’t deny he has a lot going for him, even Thelma and Louise died for that cowboy, but he also has six kids and a wife that no one can compete with. Would you really want Angelina Jolie knocking on your door on visitation day with her Ice Queen gaze and huge brood of kids to entertain? I’ll skip that one, ta.

Brad Pitt Cowboy

Channing Tatum – Body? Check. Nice smile? Check. Intellectual ability? Errrr, did I not just mention his body? And the man can dance. Have you seen Step Up and Magic Mike (it’s okay, you can say yes, we are among friends)? He has that cute innocent ‘what do I know’ thing going on until he gets on the dance floor and he does that! And I prefer people looking at me on the dance floor, not my sexy guy who now everyone will know is dynamite in bed and is most likely flashing his abs. Next!

George Clooney – Dapper, sophisticated, intelligent, politically active, amazing taste and gorgeous properties in Italy. But he’s a lot older than me. Which is fine if he’s going to pop his clogs and leave me the fancy house on the Italian lake, but the chances are he’s most likely going to need a sophisticated, intelligent and politically active woman too (and I generally skip the newspapers and go straight to the gossip and cartoon section). So moving on.

Ryan Gosling – I’ve tried, Lord knows I’ve really really tried to fancy him. I’ve seen all his films (yes, even Drive) and still nothing is stirring inside of me. I don’t know what it is; he has the stubble, the leather jacket, the motorbike, those searching puppy dog eyes – but I can’t escape the fact that he mumbles. The man cannot articulate one bloody word correctly! Six times, yes six times, I rewound one scene because I couldn’t understand what the hell he was saying. Open your mouth boy! And he also reminds me of a young Rodney Trotter. There, now I’ve fucked it up for you too.

Ryan Gosling Drive

Wentworth Miller – He’s gorgeous. Those eyes, that body, his little-boy-lost face, a cupid bow mouth that you know would kiss great. I dedicated three full weeks to watching back to back episodes of Prison Break. That piercing blue stare of his, the tattoos and his half smile (part sad, part wanting?) had me up until 3am to watch ‘just one more episode’. And then he announced he’s gay and I had to take him off my list. Why, Wentworth, why? Couldn’t you just humour me a little longer? Strike!

So far so difficult, so let’s re-cap. I’m looking for a man that doesn’t smell, doesn’t come with a stunning ex and a million kids, not too old, speaks properly, doesn’t look like anyone from Only Fools and Horses, won’t show me up on a night out and isn’t gay. So basically that’s my husband right there, he is evidently my perfect man. Looks like I’ll be sleeping with him tonight then (okay, so Alicia Keys can join in too if she can spare 20 minutes).

What did you think?

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