By Lady Lolita, 24th August 2015

Don’t get in a Fanny Flap

Why our Lady Bits will Never be as Neat as a Porn Star's!

Why our Lady Bits will Never be as Neat as a Porn Star’s!

Yep, that’s right, I have just written the words Fanny Flaps. I know, it’s crude and vulgar and not very lady like. But it caught your attention, right? And here you are, curious and eager to know if there is something wrong with your labias. Because, let’s face it ladies… it’s all a bit of a mess down there. And we haven’t a sodding clue if it’s normal or not. But don’t get in a Fanny Flap, you are not alone.

The other day I was having a chat over breakfast with The Duchess and Miss Pollyanna, and as girls do, we were complaining about our bodies (well not so much Miss Pollyanna, she loves everything about hers!) and their want for heading south. And as friends do, it all got a bit over-sharing-y. When it comes to the gravitational pull on our boobs or the puckering of our cellulite-riddled arses, we are more than happy to compare faults. But then we got talking flappy bits and that’s when it got awkward, because as much as we wanted to console each other that we were all normal, we were hardly going to push aside our croissants and spread our legs on the coffee table for a closer look.


The problem is that, much like men, the only way we women can compare our private anatomies to that of others is by watching porn. And we all know that male porn stars have big cocks and that the women have pre-pubescent-like pubis. So that’s that. Call me innocent (no, I didn’t think you would) but it was only a few years ago that I even knew about the vaggie nip and labial tucks of the rich and famous, including porn stars. Women that are evidently soooo gorgeous already that they are moving in on the details like bleaching bottom holes and cutting off excess wrinkly flappage from their puss.

I have a very simple rule when it comes to whether I think my bits are okay. It goes like this: If a man’s face is that close to be able to see what my labia looks like, then really – I don’t think I have to worry about the colour, length or texture of the bloody stuff because he’s obviously quite happy down there. And if, after kissing my lips (and kissing my lips) he comes back? Job done.
Ever heard a man down the pub complaining that a woman was stunning and perfect and he very nearly shagged her until he saw that her left outer labia was two millimeters longer than the right? No. I didn’t think so.

Jane Zueva
Jane Zueva

So here are the facts (cue yet another bout of shameful Google hunting and Browser History deletion):

1. Labial colour varies from light pink to really dark. Just like the lips on our faces, they are different shades to our skin.
Our lady bits can be thin and tight, or dark and wrinkly, or everything in between. Like our other bits they can be big and saggy or neat and tidy. Seriously, it really doesn’t matter. It makes no difference to sex and no difference to men (unless they are judgmental arseholes).

2. Labias start off tucked away and get lower and more prominent as you reach your teens. Some get in the way of skimpy underwear, or rub if your jeans are too tight or get all caught up during sex. No big deal, it’s normal. If you don’t like it then get them lobbed off like porn stars do. If you want to look like a ten year old, that is.

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3. Child birth can fuck that shit up. As if you aren’t already an insecure freak show days after having a kid and feeling like your entire vagina has been turned inside out and is hanging down between your knees, you then realise your labias have changed too. For ever. They may have changed colour, or hang lower or in the case of some of my friends have a rip in them or are scarred by faulty past-partum sewing (cheers, Doc!). Seriously, why don’t they make Mummy Medals? You may not care to begin with, but when you finally summon up the time and energy to have sex again, you might worry. Don’t. Your man watched you poop yourself with the last push and has been seeing your veiny boobs for months, you think a few aesthetic design changes on your woman wings are going to stop him finally getting laid? Nope.

Kevin Rohr
Kevin Rohr

4. It’s normal to smell a bit strange down there, in a different way at different parts of your cycle. But obviously keep clean(bidets are great for that, don’t get me started) and keep looking out for dodgy lumps, bumps or discharge. Sorry, sorry – it’s getting gross now. I’m nearly done.

5. If you are STILL not  convinced that your folds are fine – I have a GALLERY for you (yes, really). And no, none of them is mine… I promise… but it should put your mind at rest.

So there. Calm down, your fanny is fine and you no longer have to worry about yours not comparing to the pretty flower-like pussy petals of the center-spread model you found in the magazines under your son’s bed. And most importantly, if a man ever comments on your labia (normally a young man that’s not got down and dirty very often so still think they look like the ones in porn films) then you have two words for him – FUCK OFF!

Seriously, who needs that kind of negativity? Do we compare our men’s pricks to Dirk Diggler’s? No. Do we compare his pant bulge to Beckham in those hot underwear ads? No. Tell him vaginas are all different, show him the gallery, then kick him to the curb… and go find a real man that wants to kiss your gorgeous lips all night long!

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