No, we don’t always have a headache
Dear men, on behalf of womankind and the internet… I’m sorry.
You seem to have been misinformed, you’ve been told that women don’t like sex. That’s right, that’s what everyone is saying. From the online articles advising women why regular sex is a good thing (thank you, patronising journalist, for trying to convince me to copulate with my poor blue-balled hubby) to mothering forums asking each other what they would choose between sex and sleep (last time I checked one takes ideally eight hours and the other is pretty good even if only for five minutes, so not exactly mutually exclusive) poor men are being told by everyone that women hate sex. And poor women are being told that men across the land are feeling hard done by.
So I’m here to say: Bull Shit. And I like sex. And we aren’t all like that. And women, get over yourself… it’s something for you both to enjoy, you’re not doing anyone any favours.
Here are my 10 Female Sex Myths Destroyed.
1. We don’t want it
Men, we DO want it. We might just not be thinking about it at that precise time you rub yourself up against us and say you have a few minutes to spare before Match Of The Day starts. Women are like cooking, it’s all in the preparation. Let us marinade in the idea all day, pepper us with the odd compliment leading up to the suggestion and garnish it with a bit of subtle foreplay and you’ll get a decent lay.
2. We like it missionary style
Well yeah, some of us do. Whereas some of us prefer it against a tree in the woods, or bent over your office desk, or hanging upside down from the chandeliers. How the fuck do I know how she likes it? Ask her. Long gone are the days of women laying back and thinking of Queen Victoria’s England. Plus if she is petite like me and you are a big hulking sexy bear of a man, she may feel a tad claustrophobic under there and unable to breath. And being able to breathe is pretty useful during sex.
3. We want eye contact throughout
Not really. All that eye contact can get a bit awkward after a while (unless you are Brad Pitt and we can’t believe our luck and we want to make sure you don’t go anywhere). Most women I know keep their eyes closed, it helps them appreciate all the crazy sexy sensations – or if you are really ugly or been married twenty years, it lets them climax quicker pretending they pulled Brad after all. So don’t worry about staring meaningfully into their eyes, close yours and pretend we are Angelina Jolie. There’s something rather poetic about that.
4. We want it to last all night
No. We don’t. Seriously… Unless we have just met you and we have all the time in the world and touching, smelling, tasting you is all new and exciting and we can’t get enough of it, then no. We don’t want it all night. Anything between 5-20 minutes is great, a bit longer if you include a lot of teasing or a few props. But beyond that it gets a bit tedious, our minds start to wander to our shopping lists and you will get sore but we will both be too polite to mention it. So go for a slow tease throughout the day and a hard fuck once the sun sets, we won’t moan (well, only in a good way).
5. We want the lights off
Not always. Sometimes, maybe, if we are thinking of Brad again (saves us having to shut our eyes) but if we are going to make this much effort to get it on then you can bloody well look at us. Yep, that’s right, we look hot – we can see it in your eyes that you think we are hot – which makes us feel hotter – sex cranks up a notch and…we manage to keep it under twenty minutes. Bonus.
6. We are judging your manhood
Believe me, we did that ages ago. Right at the start, when you were kissing us and we felt it against our thigh. That may have been an hour ago, it may have been ten years ago, but we wouldn’t be at the sexy bit if you didn’t make the cut. The same as you don’t care what our boobs look like in the sack (because you were already staring at them for hours at the pub when we first met), then neither are we looking at, or thinking about, your winky. We are just enjoying what it can do. So chill.
7. We need to ‘freshen up’ first
I’m the first one to excel the virtues of a bidet, believe me, and there is nothing sexier than a shared shower or a prettily made up face. But. And it’s a big but. We know you don’t really care about what we look like or how fresh we are. A real woman knows that if a man wants her, he wants her now. Right now! Not subject to us having a quick wash or applying our lipstick or having matching bra and knickers. In fact it’s even better when it’s a quick ‘push you up against a wall and bang you like a screen door in a hurricane’ kinda shag… And that kind of sex isn’t as sexy when we have to go and powder our nose first.
8. We don’t touch ourselves
We do. I’ve written about this a lot. We just don’t talk about it. We do it alone, beside you while you sleep, in the bath and even instead of sex with you. Whatever, it’s normal. And if you ask we may just say yes and let you hang about and watch. We know you love that.
9. We like pillow talk
Not always. Unless you are our husband and you have no other house to go to, then you don’t have to stay beside us you know. Maybe we don’t want to be trapped in your sweaty spooning embrace all night? Maybe we too have stuff to get on with in the morning? Or don’t want to spend a precious hour of sleeping time analyzing what we just did and how special it was. Sex is sex is sex. It was great, cheers, now I’m off to the spare room to finish my book while you fart in your sleep.
10. We have to love you
In the words of Tina Turner, ‘What’s love got to do, got to do with it?’
Women have sex with men they love, they also have sex with men they don’t love and some of the best sex can even be with men we don’t even know. So get over it. Just because you got inside our bits, doesn’t mean you got inside our head. You can relax. No bunny boiling over here. Same goes for relationships – of course sex is great when you trust the other person and you know they accept you for everything you are, but please, men… you don’t always have to stare into our eyes (see point 3) and tell us how much you love us. Maybe we want to be sexy and whorey and crazy tonight, maybe we want you to tell us we are fucking hot as hell. That works too.
So enough of the ‘married women always have a headache, they hate sex’ crap. We don’t. We may just not fancy it that night, or just don’t fancy you right now (make an effort, Goddammit). Same goes for mothers – yes we are ridiculously tired but if you give us a hand a bit more we won’t be so exhausted and we’ll be back to riding you like Sea Biscuit in no time. Try it.
And as for the rest of you boys, you are welcome… My number can be found scrawled on the back of most lavatory doors.