By The Duchess, 11th April 2015

I Dream of Silence

A Poem

A Poem

Sometimes it is hard to put into words what life can be like when your whole world is turned upside down by children. You find yourself wandering around in a daze, wondering if you will ever be able to string a sentence together. Then something happens. One day you wake up and it has returned. Your sanity, your brain, ambition and drive. I am a writer, and the night that I awoke with the burning need to write down these random words at silly o’clock in the morning was my turning point. Low and behold, reading them in the morning I was amazed to read what it was that was bothering my brain for so long.

Motherhood can be hard work and baby brain gets the best of us all. But it does get better, I promise. As much as this poem reflects how hard it can be, it also shows that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Despite worrying I would never be “me” again, I found a way to adapt me, and my writing, around motherhood – and this was the end result.

SILENCE

I dream of silence.

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Tap Tap, Scratch Scratch, Tick Tock, Cough

That’s the sound of my life.

No wait, that’s just the dark hours. The evenings. The darkness.

Darkness means silence right? Nope.

Tap Tap, Scratch Scratch, Tick Tock, Cough

My days are not like this.

Oh no, they are much worse.

I DREAM of silence.

I rise from my bed to the ear-piercing scream…

“Muuuuuummmmmy!”

I lift my body unwillingly and lurch toward the high-pitched screech,

Inevitably followed by the clatter of cereal bowls and cups in the kitchen.

Here we go again.

Oh God I dream dream dream of silence.

“Mummmmmmy!”

Tap Tap, Bang Bang

“I want juice!”

I glance longingly back at the bedroom door and my inner clock starts the countdown.

How many hours until we are re-united once again in silence.

Tap Tap, Bang Bang, Hiss, Bang, Screech

Oh God I dream of silence.

“Darling, where are my car keys?”

It starts again.

Oh Lord just give me five….

“Mummy I want my…. Honey, I can’t find them – Jesus is that the time?”

 The day drags on, the air filled with noises. Screams and cries, giggles and groans.

The darkness of the coffee pulls me in… darkness, stillness, black and thick. Oh God I’m dreaming of silence.

As their heads hit the pillows and their eyes slowly close, little breaths and whispers escape their dreams.

Tick Tock, Tick Tock – counting down. Nearly time for sleep.

We meet again my dear old friend, a million noises have kept us apart.

Tick Tock, Click Click and suddenly it’s dark.

His tinnitus takes over and tap tap here come the noises.

“Today in the news”

Lord above here we go again.

 Tap Tap, Scratch Scratch, Cough, Tap Tap

Finally he slips into sleep and the radio clicks one last time, finally the start of silence…

But then it starts…

I fear the silence.

Is the oven off? Is that bill paid? Did she clean her teeth?
What was that noise? Is that her out of bed?

Holy hell, I just want to sleep.

I dread the silence, because that’s when it starts – that’s when my day begins.

All the worries, all the questions. In the silence my fears sing.

I fear the silence.

But then the birds begin to sing.

Tap Tap, Bang Bang

“Mummy, I’m thirsty”

I sigh, and rise, and look to the bed – breath in and out and take a beat.

I dream of silence once more… that is, until it starts again.

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