What Does His Star Sign Say About His Sexual Prowess?
We all love to read our horoscopes. Yes, even you. No matter how daft we think the whole thing is we all secretly flick through the papers checking to see if a tall dark stranger will be walking into our lives today.
Well before you get down and dirty with your Mr Might-Be-Alright, ask him his zodiac sign first and find out just how compatible the two of you will be between the sheets. Here’s my guide to discovering if you and your sexy guy are destined to have a sex life out of this world… or be star crossed lovers fated for a messy end.
AQUARIUS
Funny perverts that will get you into trouble
Are you looking for a partner that likes to try something new? Aquarius are the kind that will have you shagging down an alleyway dressed up as a squirrel, your face pressed up against a grimy brick wall while they pull your tail to one side without letting go of their bottle of Bud. Or something like that. Well crazy bad boys need to be kept busy, so send him south.
Sexual position: Oral
PISCES
Overly sensitive creative types who will fall deep then swim away
It doesn’t matter what position you want to have sex in, he will make sure he can look you straight in the eye while he’s doing it. And he’ll probably read poetry to you while you undress and mouth ‘I love’ as you climax. It’s going to be intense, it might even border on freaky and creepy, but at least he’ll write a song about you afterwards.
Sexual position: Missionary
ARIES
Crazy motherfuckers with a quick temper and no fear
The perfect one night stand. Impulsive, adventurous and pretty wild. Aries are the fieriest of the fire signs and will wham, bam thank you mam you quicker than you can say ‘mine’s a white wine, thanks.’ Go with the kinky, tie him up and watch him squirm with pleasure. Tame that wild ram.
Sexual position: Bondage
TAURUS
Romantic but jealous, greedy and stubborn – so best to keep them on your side
You want a big burly sexy man that will take you under his wing? Then a Taurean is the one for you. He will woo you in pure bull (shit) style, because he’s so cocksure that he’s number one… but deep down he needs a strong woman. He may be a domineering arsehole in the boardroom, but in the bedroom he’s your bitch. So show him who’s boss. Get aboard and ride him like a bucking bronco.
Sexual position: Reverse Cowgirl
GEMINI
Nervy fickle fun-lovers with a Peter Pan complex
There are toy boys… and there are men that never grow up. Geminis will be lovey dovey one minute, then be out there looking for the next best thing two minutes later. Restless, excitable and always up for a quickie, they will draw you in with their fun-loving ways and leave you wanting more. So keep your wits about you and keep it exciting, because as soon as you slow down they are off.
Sexual position: A bit of everything
CANCER
Moody mummy’s-boys that love a cuddle
Yes he will love you, but he will also need you. He will show you a great time, but then he will want a lot of cuddly wuddlies after. This is a man that given the option of sex or sleep, he will sleep. Given the option of crazy al fresco loving or the comfort of his own home, he will stay where it’s safe and warm. So don’t go to too much trouble, he just wants to feel wanted.
Sexual position: Hand Job
LEO
Big voice, big ego and big…
The king of the jungle and the king of the bedroom, or so they think. Leo will strut, roar and prowl their way into your knickers and make sure you know just how lucky you are – the only ones they love more than you is themselves And if he has a cock to match the size of his pride, then you are in trouble as he won’t ever let you forget it. Stroke his ego and give him a few back scratches of your own, and he’ll be purring for more.
Sexual position: Doggy Style (in front of a mirror)
VIRGO
Critical perfectionist voyeurs that want everything, including you, to be perfect
If sex could come with a spreadsheet, they would be on it with a ruler and red biro in hand. They will set the pace, choose a date, pick a position and hold you to it. They like their routine and they have no need to get too crazy. And god forbid if you forget to shave your legs or put your lippy on straight, it will probably annoy them so much they won’t be able to carry on. Best you keep your head down and let them watch.
Sexual position: Blow Job
LIBRA
Charming Romeos that can’t keep a promise
Oh the romance! Oh the love and affection! Oh it lasts as long as his orgasm. Libras are up and down more often than their pants, one minute they want you and the next they need space. They want to please you, but they also want to be pleased. Just let them have full access to all you have to offer but keep them emotionally far behind you until they have made up their mind.
Sexual position: Spoons
SCORPIO
Overbearing possessive bastards most likely to boil your bunny
You want thrills, spills, passion, ups, downs, Mills AND Boon? Then go with a dark and mysterious Scorpio. Just don’t come running to me when you want to finish it and they won’t let you… then you find a horse’s head in your bed and a million messages from him on your phone from different numbers. When they are good they are very very good, but when they are bad they are horrid. So give as good as you get.
Sexual position: Sixty Nine
SAGITTARIUS
Adventure loving nymphos with a bad boy complex
Sagittarius can’t get enough, any time any place. They love to be out in the great outdoors, so a bit of al fresco nooky is right up their alley, back garden, deserted country lane. They will love your company and they will love the sex, but you personally don’t really come into it. Let them get their kicks so they don’t forget you and explore the unknown together.
Sexual position: Outside, from behind
CAPRICORN
Sensible kill joys that like to keep it real
They have stamina and they have drive. Capricorns like to feel in control in their every day life, but don’t mind you taking the driving seat in the bedroom. Keep that silly old goat from getting too carried away with his freakiness and take charge, get on top and look him straight in the eye. Let’s see just how far they can take you.
Sexual position: You on top
So are you and your other half compatible? Or are you after some late night dogging while he wants to stay home alone with a bottle of lube and the laptop? Well don’t let me put you off, I’m sure you can make it work. And if not, don’t forget that there are another eleven zodiac signs to play with!
