Excited About your First Night as Mr & Mrs? Don’t be!
I think it’s fair to say that most new brides aren’t virgins when they fall into bed with their husband on their wedding night. Most brides I know have spent a few years living with their other half, maybe even having kids with him, so first night nerves aren’t really the biggest thing to worry about. Not in the world I live in (I’m sure there are many cultures where it is, but I can only speak from experience). So, for all you brides out there that are expecting some Mills & Boon-like tale of garter flinging and hours of sweaty tumbling in the sheet whispering ‘I love you, husband’ and him whispering ‘I love you, Mrs Whatever’ I’m about to shit on your fantasy.
Because… no. Because this is what wedding night sex really sounds like.
“I thought we were never going to get away! The wedding planner said we’d be done by midnight. Come on, carry me over the thresh hold… I’m not that heavy! It’s tradition! Urgh, okay, don’t worry about it. It’s been a lovely day, eh? Did you see Aunt Gladys with that waiter, that was funny. Yeah, I think your cousin did end up with my mate, can’t wait to see them at breakfast tomorrow. Ooh, this hotel is actually quite nice, look there’s a chocolate on my pillow. Oi, you git, don’t eat them both! Hey, shall we have sex then as husband and wife? Ha, this is going to be great! No, I don’t want to just bend over in this dress, it’s irritated me all day and I’m really hot. It’s been digging into my hips and chest and… get off! I know it’s a fantasy of yours but this skirt weighs a tonne. Help me get out of it. Yeah, you have to unbutton every single button. No, I can’t do it myself, my maid of honour had to help me get into it this morning. You done yet? And let me take these pins out of my hair, they are killing me. Yeah I know, I look like a pin cushion. Forty bloody bobby pins my hair had in it… oh that’s better. You done yet? Okay, now the hooks. I don’t know! I didn’t bloody design the dress, no wonder it’s been so tight all… oh God, oh that feels sooo much better. I can actually breathe now. Get off, I’ve had these sweaty pants on all day, let me go have a shower first and take these stupid eye lashes off. Not my fault you’re not hard any more, stop whining about it. It’s not like we’ve never had sex before. Why don’t you join me in the shower then? Actually, it’s too small in here, I’ll be out in a minute. Oh look, they’ve got loads of those posh mini bottles of shampoo and conditioner in here. I’ll grab some for the honeymoon. Okay, hubby, I’m ready to… Have you started opening the presents without me?
For fuck’s sake, budge up, let me sit on the bed next to you and we can open everything together. Hey, this card has money in it! Let’s just open another one. This one has fifty quid in it too. God, this is like Christmas. Let’s open them all… sex can wait. Oh my God we’ve made a killing today, people have been so generous, five star all the way on this honeymoon, baby! You tired? Well it IS five o’clock in the morning and I guess we DO have to get up in four hours and see all the family at breakfast. This is nice though, isn’t it? In bed as husband and wife at last. So shall we have a bit of… Are you falling asleep? Hey! Okay, fine, I can’t be arsed either. We do have the next forty years ahead of us to have sex with each other and ONLY each other. Well there’s no need to look so bloody pissed off about it!”
So, brides and grooms-to-be, this is what awaits you after the ‘I do’, speeches and free bar. Enjoy!