Think we are all Admiring your Instagram Page? Think Again…
I love Instagram. It’s a young person’s social media platform made for the arty and the egotistical alike. It’s for the skinny young teen wanting to show off her cute little outfits and the young lad doing well at the gym; it’s also there for the foodies and the drinkers and the make-it-yourselfers.
Unfortunately it’s also choc-a-block full of shite.
Every day there are selfie after selfie after duck-faced trout pout fucking selfie of bland girls and their bland faces enhanced only by their smartphone filters and a rigid mask of make-up. Scroll, scroll, scroll down and there they are – the vacant cow-eyed girls desperate for virtual affirmation of their self worth from people they will never meet in real life.
Want to know how to look as ghastly as them? Here are 6 ways to take a shit selfie …
1. Location, Location, Location
Whatever you do, don’t care about where you are. The skankier the toilet, the better. Bus stop? Airport? In the middle of a busy street? It doesn’t matter… when the mood takes you, you selfie! People may stare, they may sneer, but they are just jealous that you gurning into your iphone is more important than their access to the escalators at the shopping centre. And don’t get your photo over and done with in any hurry either, you take your time. You take your God damn sweet time. Selfies are important. People need to know that you are on the bus on your way home.
2. And then there was light
There’s no need to think about lighting. Everyone knows that taking a selfie or having the subject of your photo with their face towards sunlight will give the best effect… but don’t worry about that. You just take a picture of yourself with the sun behind you, so we can’t see your features. Or lighting above or below you so that you look like a Halloween ghoul. Or better yet, go back to that beautiful public bathroom where there’s bright harsh white strip lighting and and take a photo of yourself there. It will be incredibly flattering.
3. The blow job face and other poses
When taking a selfie you must never, ever smile. Ever. Don’t look comfortable or friendly or totally at ease… you must at all times make a face like a porn star looking at a big cock.
You have two options:
1. Purse your lips, which will totally make your lips look naturally plump and sexy, not like the puckered arse of a Spaniel, and open your eyes really wide. This look can be enhanced by ensuring that your eyebrows are thicker than your middle finger and that your fake lashes look like two spiders having a race across your face.
2. The second look is of mild surprise. Because taking a photo of yourself in a public toilet mirror can be a shock for anyone. It is vitally important that you take this self portrait when only half dressed. It’s not easy because you have to hold a camera at an angle that gets your whole face and body in the shot without obscuring any of your perfect features (by that I mean your pushed up cleavage).
You must look straight ahead with a look of mild panic, while angling your round bottom so that the front AND the back of your body appears in the photo. It’s not easy, so make sure you stay in that toilet for at least half an hour practising… even if there is a queue outside. Then make sure you post every single one of your attempts to your Instagram page on the same day. You can never have too many versions of the same pointless photo.
And if your pout isn’t quite perfect enough then simply buy one of these Lip Enhancers. It’s not at all weird to encourage blood to be pumped into your lips for that extreme ‘I’m going to sue my plastic surgeon, the bastard!’ look. In fact you should invest money, time and effort to look this alluring! Check out these fails… I mean totally wins!
4. Don’t look behind you
When taking a selfie the background doesn’t matter. Don’t look behind you, no one cares. Just concentrate on your face or the mirror, that’s where it matters. The person looking at the photo is so captivated by your beauty they won’t notice that your bed is unmade to your right and that your dildo is on the night stand to your left. No one has even noticed that while you pose in the bathroom mirror with your blow job face, seductively pulling down one side of your black lazy g-string, your toddler is nearly drowning in the bath behind you. It doesn’t matter. You just keep snapping away. Selfies are important… anywhere, any time!
5. It’s all about the #Hashtagging
No photo on Instagram is complete without a Hashtag. How else will anyone find you and tell you how special and wonderful and beautiful you are? How else will Hollywood spot you or that modeling scout from Elite? So even if it’s just a photo of you with your cat, or you with your nan on her 75th birthday, don’t worry about them. No one is looking at anyone but you. So you make sure you have your spider eyes on and your duck-face ready and you hashtag your heart out. No, you don’t write #FamilyFun or #ILoveMyCat – you must write #Beautiful #Sexy #GlossyLips #PrettyGirl… or get straight to the point and write #PleaseSomeoneLookAtMeAndGiveMeASenseOfSelfWorth.
No one will laugh, roll their eyes or say to their friend ‘check this girl out, who the fuck does she think she is?’ No, you look like a Kardashian (and we all know what amazing, clever, brilliant role models they are). You may even get to star in your own sex tape one day! Imagine that… millions of You Tubers will be discussing your fanny. You can but dream.
6. The more the merrier
Never ever stop taking and posting your selfies. You make sure those photos of you doing nothing of any interest are everywhere. Add them to Twitter, Facebook, your own Pinterest folders. Millions of them. You in your bedroom mirror, the nightclub mirror, your mum’s bathroom, school loo, work toilet… they will never get boring to look at. Even if you make the same expression in every single one of them, your hair will be slightly different and you may even be wearing a different top – so we need to see them. We just have to. Your face and toilet visits are too important not to appear on our newsfeed daily. Don’t be put off if you don’t get a Like, you just keep pouting.
And most importantly – please remember that there is nothing better worth doing in life than taking photos of your own face for no reason at all. All those hours of posing and posting will one day amount to something spectacular, like maybe having a few thousand followers that would never recognise you, least of all talk to you, in the street.
Education, traveling, friends, family… that’s real life. What do you want to do that for? Those things won’t make you feel great about yourself, lead to a fascinating and fulfilled life and make others admire you for more reasons than your trout pout abilities.
Nope, you live your life through your smartphone lens. And whatever you do, don’t ever ever look like you are enjoying yourself.
And the winners for the worst selfies of last year go to…