By Lady Lolita, 1st August 2015

Bikini Body? Bollocks!

My Body won't be Shrinking for anyone this Summer

My Body won’t be Shrinking for anyone this Summer

It’s summer! Yay!
It’s time for beaches, swimming and pool parties! Yay!
I have to get my bikini out from under my bed where it has been hiding for the last ten months. Shit!

Because who enjoys that first day of summer when we have to peel off our ten layers of winter clothing, balk at our white flabby flesh and then squeeeeeeeze ourselves into our bikinis and cry? No one.

Well, maybe those weird skinny duck-faced Kardashian-wannabees on Instagram that jumped out of their mother’s uteruses already wearing a thong and doing cartwheels with their bee stung lips and naturally highlighted hair. Yeah, those girls fucking LOVE slipping their dental floss-like bikinis over their perfectly proportioned round bums and pert tits, then running straight to the beach at sunset to take selfies of themselves silhouetted against the ocean doing yoga poses or those fun high jumps you get in Tampax ads. But not me. And probably not you.

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Because all this Bikini Body hype is bollocks and I’m taking a stand. I don’t even LIKE bikinis. What’s to like about wearing your bra and pants to the beach and, because they are made of neon Lycra instead of white lace, feeling like you aren’t walking about in your bra and pants?

So join me, ladies, and shout out ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

belly measure

No I will NOT change my body shape overnight to squeeze into what society deems is the right shape knickers and top to wear to the beach. I will wear what the hell I like, seeing as half the time I am only there for the Mojitos and Beach Babe Perving.

I may decide to wear shorts and a strapless top, or maybe a tankini, or a swimming costume should I choose to swim. Or maybe (because I live in the Med and they let me do what the hell I like out here) I may, just may, wear pants and nothing else. I may just let my droopy tits hang out and get an all-over tan.

So for all of you missing out on cocktails, ice-creams, barbecues and iced coffees this summer because you want to look flawless in your bikini.. .how’s that going for you? Having fun?
Were those two weeks of looking smooth and polished by the pool in Ibiza worth the entire year of missing out on boozing because you were at the gym, or eating because you were saying no to calories? I hope it paid off… because your Facebook posts do look soooooo fabulous, and all of three people Liked your posey pics – so I’m sure it was worth it.

Ladies, give yourselves a break and don’t crack under all this Bikini Body bullshit pressure. It’s just a phrase coined by marketing professionals wanting you to go to the gym or take dieting pills, and by magazine editors picking at your body insecurities and hoping you will buy their pathetic rag promising you the miracle that will transform you from Miranda Hart to Miranda Kerr over night. It’s not going to happen. It takes years of hard work, abstinence and good genes to fill a bikini out like a supermodel. So don’t even bother.

bikini polka dot cocktail

You have a body? You have a bikini? Then you have a Bikini Body.

Just put one over the other and wear your stretchy polka dot Lycra pants and bra to the beach with pride, cellulite and all. And if you don’t want to – then don’t. I’ll see you at the bar where we can get a tan, down some Mojitos and laugh at the teen Instagram prats wasting their day on the beach trying to capture that perfect Bikini Body pose to make all their fellow ‘followers’ jealous.

Losers.

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