Because, Let’s Face it, some People Deserve it…
Christmas is a time for giving. But what if some of the people on your list haven’t been good and don’t deserve something special this year? What if you have been lumbered, yet again, with the task of finding that special something for the not-so-special someone in your life and you really can’t be arsed? Or… my favourite… they bought you something so utterly hideous last year that it’s time to get your revenge.
Well here is my anti-list. My hand picked selection of the most irritating, amusing and downright offensive presents I could find. You may make them laugh, you may make their life harder or they may not even notice. But you can at least guarantee that you will have loads of fun watching them unwrap them!
10 Cheap Gifts For Those You Dislike
1. The Perfect Mummy
Look at her at the school gates with her perfectly blow-dried hair, manicured nails and designer boots… not a snot stain or split end in sight. Not only is she beyond supercilious and patronizing but she’s so bloody generous and organised that she buys your kids a present every year. And you feel like you have to reciprocate – even though you can’t even remember her name. Well don’t panic, this should test her patience and stop her getting your children any more presents again… here’s a packet of every kind of hell!
2. The Interfering Mother in law
Why does she always call when she knows it’s the kids’ bath time and then tell you that you shouldn’t have taken them out of the bath dripping wet to get to the phone? Why does she always have an opinion on everything and it’s never her saintly son’s fault? And more to the point… why can’t your man buy his own mother something?
Get her this, she’ll soon get the message.
3. The Reluctant Husband
You know there was a reason you married him, that night fifteen years ago when you were young, naive and drunk. But now, as he sits there in front of the rugby, farting and complaining that he’s hungry, now it’s kind of escaped you. Well remind him of how lucky he is and get yourself this for him. Time to get seasonally sexy and ignite those fires of yesteryear.
4. The Arsehole Boss
Your boss is a twat. Most bosses are. But you have to keep up the pretense that you like him as your review is coming up and he’s been hinting about a promotion (and a thoughtful Christmas gift sure beats a flirt at the Christmas party). This should keep the control freak sweet for another year.
5. The Secret Santa Gift (for a stranger)
You put your hand in the Santa hat, you picked out a scrap of paper and you got Keith in Accounts. Who the fuck is Keith? And you didn’t even know there was an Accounts Department! Well you don’t have a lot to spend and you need to think fast. How about one of these (because who wants to do any real work over Christmas)?
6. The Naughty Children
Your children have not been behaving. They’ve had three months of threats, failed reward charts and countless trips to the naughty step and they still don’t give a toss about their behaviour. Well, before you think about stocking fillers, get your hands on one of these. There’s nothing creepier than a small elf perched high up in a room watching over your child and reporting back to Santa. Hopefully all their sleepless nights of nightmares will mean they are more subdued and well behaved the next day!
7. The Hard Done By Neighbour
Let’s be honest – you aren’t the easiest family to live next door to. What with all the crying, screaming, shouting and throwing of things (and that’s just you)… you feel like the least you could do is get the neighbours something to make them think you care. Kind of. Well this should do the trick whilst muffling out the sounds of hysteria that is Christmas Day in your house.
8. The Long Lost Relative
You have seen this person precisely three times in your life. At your nan’s funeral, at your cousin’s wedding and at your nephew’s christening… yet you still have to buy them something. Why? You can’t remember. But you do it every year. This should make them laugh.
9. The Friend Who Has Everything
Seriously, she is completely loaded. And has a house full of stuff you couldn’t ever afford, let alone know where to purchase it from. You could be a sanctimonious prat and offer her the ‘gift of your time’, but that would sound like a cop out. So instead you appeal to her charitable nature and give her this. Then take her out for a glass of bubbly somewhere and see if she foots the bill. What? She can afford it!
10. The Revenge Buy
There you all are, gathered around the Christmas tree on Christmas day, waiting in anticipation for the joyful gifts that are coming your way. You’ve been since August planning, buying and wrapping gifts for your friends and family and you’ve been dropping hints bigger and louder than a bomb for ages so you know, just know, that something good is coming your way. You get handed a beautifully wrapped box and inside is a… novelty candle. A fucking novelty candle. Shaped like a seal, with a ball on its nose. And that’s it. That’s your present. It’s not a joke, that is all you are getting. So there and then you vow that the following year you will get them the one thing that they will not be expecting… see how you like the taste of disappointment now, suckers!
Some may argue that if you really don’t like someone that you probably shouldn’t shower them with gifts over Christmas. But where’s the fun in that?!