Why Being the Dog in the Relationship is a Bad Idea
In my world there are two kinds of people; those that love cats and those that love dogs. Even if you are all ‘I love every animal on this planet, big and small’ or ‘urgh, I hate pets, get them away from me’ – most people will prefer one or the other. Cats or dogs. I’m also pretty certain that, like my generalisation about judging a person’s personality by the way they dress or drive, you can also tell a lot about a person by their choice of pets.
Me? I love cats. I always have done. In fact, my mother nearly lost me when pregnant because she was trying to save the life of a kitten and ran far too fast for a woman three months pregnant. I think some kind of magic happened at that point because I’ve been cat obsessed ever since. Maybe I was a witch in a former life? Or I am destined to be one of those old lonely ladies with a garden full of stray mangy cats and carpet that smells of rancid cat pee? But either way, I love cats and they love me.
Before you get angry, for the record I don’t have anything against dogs per se. Okay, so I’m not a big fan of their face licking and over-enthusiastic jumping and all that barking. But they are fine.
I’ve come to realise that most cat lovers adore cats because they have an affinity with them; they admire the characteristics of their own personality in their feline friend. Trust me on this one.
So here are the 30 ways I am like my cat, and why I really do believe that I (and those I love) are better off for it…
1. Given the option, I would spend all day eating, sleeping, having sex and running around at night chasing crazy wild things.
2. I’m happy to let you touch me, until I’m not.
3. I will love you as long as I get something out of you. Yes, my love IS conditional.
4. I enjoy a snuggle in the evening, as long as I get to sit exactly where I want and how I want regardless of how uncomfortable it is for you. And I will change my mind just as quickly.
5. I avoid having to swim or get my hair wet at all times.
6. Cream on everything? Yep, all good.
7. I like to go where I want and when I want. No cage or leash for me.
8. When I’m locked out you’ll know about it. Actually, the whole neighbourhood will know about it.
9. When you are not looking, I will steal food from your plate.
10. If I want to do what I want on top of a table or a precarious ledge, I will. Dance, shag, walk about…whatever.
11. I have sharp nails and I will use them.
12. I don’t care that I am smaller than you; I will still go for your eyes.
13. Playing with my food before I eat it is way more fun than gulping it down.
14. Loyalty is subjective. Is someone nice to me? Yep, I’ll stick around. Is someone being horrible? Errr, no I won’t be panting with happiness when I see them. Byeeeee.
15. I won’t do what you want me to do. If anything I will get my kicks from doing exactly the opposite of what you want me to do.
16. I can move really fast when I have to…but most of the time I’m happy to just sit here. Staring. Dreaming. On the best spot of the couch or bed.
17. I’m easily distracted. Oh look! Something shiny!
18. I don’t like dirt, and I will spend a long time fussing over my hair.
19. I’m not very easy to train.
20. If you call me, I will come running ….as long as you’re rattling a box of biscuits.
21. I’m great at creeping about in the dark without making a sound.
22. I don’t like a set itinerary; I’ll just come and go when I feel like it thanks.
23. There’s only one thing that’s better than sitting in the sun, and that’s laying in the sun.
24. And I don’t sweat or pant. That’s vulgar.
25. I walk with grace and elegance at all times…
26. …and act like the entitled princess that I am.
27. You think I didn’t hear that? I did.
28. I can smell bacon from miles away.
29. Piss me off and I’ll trip you up.
30. Most importantly I will make your home homelier, won’t make a mess and I’ll do a great job of keeping you company. As long as it’s on my terms.
The best thing about owning a cat is knowing that that cat wants to be with you. They don’t need you, we know if they find something better they will piss off, they simply want you. For now. Unlike dogs they aren’t loyal for the sake of being loyal, they are in fact one of the most selfish, independent and powerful animals on this planet. That is why the Egyptians worshiped them, witches made sure they all had one and I am their biggest fan.
So tell me…are you a happy, loyal and energetic dog-like person. Or do you, like me, love like a cat?