The 8 Sozzled People you will Meet on a Night Out!
Tis the season to be legless, falalalalaaa lalalala
Whether you love a drink or five, or are completely teetotal, one thing that is guaranteed at this time of year is that at some point or another you will be surrounded by drunk people. My advice would be if you can’t beat them (over the head) then run away or join them… because there’s nothing worse than being the only dry one in the house when everyone around you is making a messy fool of themselves.
So, have a shot of Dutch courage, and tell us – what kind of drunk are you?
The Happy Drunk
These are everyone’s favourite. They may be a bit touchy feely and very repetitive – but at least they have a permanent smile frozen on their face and say nice things. “I love you, dude. You are the best, so beautiful and lovely and… god I love you. Did I tell you you’re my best friend? Oh I love your earrings, they are so pretty – you are so pretty. Want a drink? Come on, my round again. Give me a hug!” And that’s just the woman in the toilet queue that you’ve never met.
The Miserable Drunk
I hate these. They are like the dementors of the pub. You can see them a mile off because their mates will be acting like they don’t know them, so whatever you do don’t make eye contact or they will come over to you and… shit… too late! “Why did he leave me? That bastard, he was so wonderful and handsome and he left me. LEFT me! Why??? Am I not loveable? Am I not worthy? Nobody loves me, my life is a mess. Why did he have to go? I loved that dog!” And there they will sit, beside you, for the rest of the night. So good luck with that one.
The Slutty Drunk
Okay, this one might be me a bit (a lot). When she is sober she’s a responsible working mother nearing her forties, but after a few shots of Sambucca she is… SUPER MILF! Oh yeah, she’s hot, she’s suddenly the sexy twenty one year old she once was. Watch her slut drop to the floor, undo her shirt buttons down to the navel and, oh wow, she’s on the karaoke. She’s singing ‘Crazy In Love’ on all fours and… oh no, no, no… she’s pole dancing around the microphone stand. Oh God, now she’s picked on one of the spotty students at the next table and she’s sitting on his lap. He looks like he might cry. But who cares because Super MILF is irresistible and she knows everyone is staring at her because of her rock hard booty and sexy dance moves. Ooooh sexy mama! These drunks normally go hand in hand with…
The Exhibitionist Drunk
Look at me, look at me! I’m dancing on the table! I’m shouting really loudly! I can do a hilarious Ali G/David Brent/Kermit The Frog impression! I’m sooo freaking funny! Watch me, watch me, watch me… I can down these ten shots in a row while doing the running man in heels! I’m soooooo much fun! Are you looking?
The Sleepy Drunk
There they are, chatting away, pouring out some red wine – no problem. Then they pour another and go quiet. Then they pour another, spill a bit, pour another and… zzzzzz. The Sleepy Drunks are no trouble but boring as hell to go out with. If there is a big group of you then that’s fine, you can prop them up in a corner and they come in handy for keeping the coats safe. Not so much fun if they’re your date and they’ve gone all narcoleptic on you.
The Wild Drunk
Warning: If you go out drinking with one of these you will end up waking up with a sore head, a facial tattoo and/or a room full of chickens. Think The Hangover. Think ‘do I want to go to prison?’ These drunks don’t go for a ‘quiet drink’ they go to get hammered and go crazy. They are just as likely to play Knock Down Ginger at 3am as they are to start a fight in your local biker’s bar. Much like The Exhibitionist, they want to be noticed… but more than that, they use their drunkenness as the perfect excuse to carry out their wildest fantasies. Then they will deny it all in the morning and make out you are exaggerating. You boring old fart, you!
The Clumsy Drunk
These can be quite funny, until you end up in A&E. They are struggling to walk in heels before they have even left the house, then they will knock their wine over, then yours, then stumble over the table, fall down the stairs, fall off the toilet into the sanitary towel bin, stumble up the stairs and spill their bright red cocktail down their bright white dress, put their shoes on the wrong feet, drop their handbag and lose half the contents, ask you twenty times if you have seen their phone (it’s always in their hand) then fall into the arms of the local hotty, spill his Guinness over his lovely shirt and get their bracelet caught in his girlfriend’s hair. They are nearly as much hassle as The Wandering Drunk, but more fun. And it’s even more fun the next morning when you get to play ‘Name the Bruises’ where you try to figure out what happened to warrant such a black and blue bod.
The Wandering Drunk
Leave these ones at home because otherwise you will spend the night looking for them. If it’s a guy, you probably won’t worry about it unless he hasn’t turned up the next morning. If it’s a woman you will feel it’s your obligation to forsake your own enjoyment to search for her in case something terrible happens to her. Most of the time they have either turned into Miserable Drunk or Sleepy Drunk (top tip, always scan the bar for the desperate face of someone trying to escape from them, or under piles of coats). Either way, they are no fun. Leave them at home before they leave you.
The Nasty Drunk
Leave. Well. Alone. You don’t know when this drunk will appear, many times they start off as the fun Slutty Drunk or even the harmless Happy Drunk and then – Bam! – out comes the mean piece of shit. Violent, poisoned tongued and downright spiteful, they will remind you of everything you have ever done wrong in your life. They will tell you that your boyfriend tried it on with them once, that you HAVE put on weight and that they never liked you. They will sneer, throw things, start talking politics or football (anything to get a rise out of you) and tell you that you don’t know how lucky you are and how hard they have had it. They will slur their way through every profanity, stumbling their way to the bar and knocking back more bile-inducing Whisky while they point out every one of your flaws. Just walk away or ignore them; you can’t answer back or argue because it will only get worse, plus they won’t remember in the morning. And much like the Wild Drunk, they will tell you that you are making the whole thing up. Arseholes.
So what will you be doing this weekend? Will you be one of the crazy loons above and joining in with one of the 8 drunken embarrassing antics? Or will you stay sober as a judge and take plenty of photos? Because there’s nothing like a good bit of hungover blackmailing to make it all worthwhile…