What People’s Facebook Status’ Says About Them
Facebook. Love it or hate it, you can’t say it’s not fascinating.
Remember how when we were young we wrote all our inner-most thoughts in a diary and were really angry and embarrassed if anyone read it? Well now we have Facebook, where we write all our inner-most thoughts and get really angry and embarrassed if people DON’T read them!
If ever there was a better psychological study into this generation’s thought patterns and needs it is what and how people update their social media status. Has there been a Psych PHD paper written about this yet? Has money been invested into the anthropological evolution and demographic profiling based on the categorization of people’s social media comments – or in other words –can we pigeonhole everyone by how they use Facebook?
I think we can. Check out my seven deadly sins of Facebook – see if you agree and add your own!
1. The Boasters
This is nearly everyone on Facebook, and probably (okay, definitely) me. These people crop and colour-correct all their photos before uploading them, because it’s always bright and colourful in their Facebook worlds. They think carefully about what they tell you, making sure it’s well written, funny and engaging – they even go back and correct their spelling or comments. They only update their status with something that will make others think ‘shit, he has a great life’ or ‘wow, isn’t she clever’. They don’t know the meaning of modesty, they just want to scroll down their Profile Page and see their own personal brand looking beyond awesome. Why do they do it? Probably for the benefit of 80% of their Facebook friends who they haven’t seen in ten years, so that virtual strangers think that their life is better than their own. Which gives them a thrill. Because we can then all delude ourselves that really we are loving life and that that one happy photo wasn’t the only great five seconds of our holiday.
2. The Whiners
Hey guys, Facebook is meant to be fun and informative!
If you want to have a moan, go see a therapist or your mum. Seriously. No one cares that your football team lost, you’ve been dumped (again! Probably because you don’t stop moaning, you miserable git), or that it’s raining and you are home on a Saturday night. Maybe life will suddenly become a lot rosier if you turn your computer off, step outside and DO SOMETHING! Go make friends with a Facebook Boaster, they know just how to make a hum drum day look like they’ve won the lottery.
3. The Attention Seekers
I hate these, they are like the Facebook Whiners but with added suspense. The social media equivalent of the kid no one wants to sit next to in class.
‘You think you know someone until they cross you’
‘What’s happened hun?’
‘R U OK?’
‘I know how you feel, all men are bastards’
‘Is it your mum again?’
‘Call me. We are all here for you’
Don’t send your distress signals out in morse code, you pathetic needy twat. If you have a problem with someone then say it to their face. Or write a big ranting blog about it like I do (words are huge things to hide behind), but don’t go leaving shitty Cryptic Crossword clues all over my Newsfeed because I won’t react!
It’s like when people say ‘you’ll never guess what? Go on, guess!’
And I walk away.
Just tell me or fuck off, because now I have to keep scrolling through all your nosey mate’s comments trying to figure out what is going on while everyone strokes your ego. Or even better, no one asks you and you are left all alone like the kid no one wants to sit next to in class….except this time with an embarrassing piss stain on your trousers. Because no one cares.
4. The Facebook Addicts
‘Out clubbing and waiting for the train’
‘The train’s running late’
‘This club is going to be wicked’
‘Nearly at the club –bring it on’
‘Long queue outside the club, anyone else here?’
‘Check out these blurry shitty dark photos of all of us at the club I have been writing about during the last two hours’.
If I wanted to know what you were doing every sodding minute of the day I would stalk you. Except I don’t….because thanks to your Facebook addiction I don’t have to. In fact we don’t even need to be real-life friends or go out together anymore, because I can just glance at my phone every two minutes and feel like I’m right there beside you.
5. The Silent Witnesses
They are out there and they are watching you. They don’t update their status, they don’t Like your comments and they don’t message you. But they are there, hiding, watching your every move. These Facebookers scare the shit out of me because, to be honest, I forget they are there. It’s not until I randomly bump into one in the street and tell them my news, and I’m greeted with ‘yeah I know, I love seeing all your Facebook updates’ that I realize they have been there all along like a freaky voyeur. I feel violated.
6. The Shameless
Social media has made us all over-sharers – yep. We love to air our dirty laundry in public – yep. But some people take it to a whole new level. There are some that leave me so deeply embarrassed (and believe me, I’m not easily offended) that I’m clenching my butt hole so tightly with the pure cringiness of it all that I am virtually sucking up the sofa into my rectum.
They write things like this:
‘I hate you, your (sic, because they can never bloody spell!) nothing but cheating scum. See you in court’ – tagging their soon-to-be ex husband
‘That was the best blowy I’ve ever had’
‘Does this rash look weird to you?’ – along with accompanying photo.
And apparently that is just fine. Because we all needed to know that, right? We all need to know the ins and outs of their lives, the good, the bad and the fucking disgusting. And that’s just fine. You uploaded a video of your wife giving birth, even though I have only seen her face once and now I’m staring at her parting labias in HD? Lovely, why not!
Photos of your kid’s first pooh in his potty? Definitely one for the album, thanks for sharing.
But hey, how about next time you just don’t. I have enough minginess and drama in my own life, thanks…no need to drag me into yours!
7. The Totally Fucking Boring
Most people do something interesting in their day, even if it’s just wake up with a hangover on a Sunday and tell you a funny story about the night before. But not these Facebookers. I wonder how I ever became real life friends with these ones, because their updates make me ashamed to have ever crossed paths with them.
‘Lovely cup of tea in the morning’ (Smiley face emoticon and cup of tea symbol)
‘My cat/baby/selfie is so cute’ (x50 photos a day)
‘So sunny today’ (Three sun symbols)
‘Another lovely cup of tea and a slice of cake’ (Extra smiley face emoticon and cake symbol)
‘Never saw that coming in Eastenders’ (Shocked emoticon)
‘Night night everyone’ (zzzzz)
Fuck off, fuck off, FUCK OFF!
Go and take your boring life, and your boring updates about your boring life, and go shove them up your boring arse! I can’t take it anymore. And you know what’s worse? The Timehop App that shows what they wrote on Facebook two years ago, and then they repost that same shit again, and it is still BORING!!!!!!
Ah, I feel a whole lot better now, nothing like publicly publishing on-line what’s going on in your mind to give you a sense of relief. Except writing this took a while so I best be off and check what thrilling updates are awaiting me on Facebook. Maybe someone has had another cup of tea or told the world ‘I never expected that to happen’ and are now eagerly waiting to see if anyone actually gives a shit.
Tell me, have I missed anyone out? Don’t be shy, come vent with me….and of course do share this on Facebook. Which is probably more interesting than telling all your so-called friends what you are really doing right now.