By The Duchess, 7th November 2015

My Husband Should Marry his Mother

My Mother-in-Law is Practically Perfect in Every Way...and I'm Not!

My Mother-in-Law is Practically Perfect in Every Way…and I’m Not!

Funny isn’t it?
Your man spends his childhood living with his mother, moves out, shags about…then decides that in order to live the good life he must find a permanent woman just like his mother. Just younger and hotter.

I love my mother-in-law, I truly do, but she’s just so perfect (in my husband’s eyes) that I will never be as good as her. So I’m not even bothering to compete.

Here are 8 reasons why my husband should marry his mother instead:

1. She cares if he’s ill
‘He has a cold,’ I tell her.
‘My boy is ill? Is it a chesty cough or a wet one? Does he have temperature? I hope he isn’t working too hard. He really does work so hard. He needs to relax more…’ (and repeat for twenty minutes). I didn’t think of any of those things. When he told me he was ill I threw a packet of Ibuprofen at him and told him to grow some balls. Although I did buy him a pack of tissues and some vitamins the next day, so he knows I love him.

2. His mother enjoys staying up late turning up trousers legs
‘Oh son, those trousers are far too long. You can’t have them trailing in the mud like that.’
Mud? He drives a shiny Mercedes company car to work, on a tarmac road, to sit in an ergonomically designed chair and stare at a screen all day. What mud? Fine, I don’t mind if she turns the trousers up. I certainly can’t be arsed to take them to the tailors.

3. She won’t let him out the house without giving everything a quick press
‘Is that not ironed? Come here son, it just needs a quick press.’
When I announced that I didn’t iron, ever, my mother-in-law’s face was a picture. You would have thought I had told her I was the head of the world’s larger sex trafficking ring, or that I didn’t recycle my egg cartons. She made a point of buying me an iron last month, which I re-gifted to my own mother.

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4. She asks how he is feeling about everything
He won’t talk to me about feelings. He doesn’t tell me anything. But when his mum calls it’s like Telephone Oprah. Everything comes pouring out. In fact, just to know what’s going on in his head, I have to press my ear up to the door each Sunday afternoon for the weekly low down.

5. She’s a pant-picker-upper
She loves it. She must do. Because in eight years my husband has never put anything in the wash basket. Maybe he didn’t have one growing up? Or maybe he didn’t want to ruin his mother’s pant-picking-up fun?

6. She agrees with him
About everything. Everything. And I don’t…which is probably why she is always right and I’m not.

7. She thinks everything he says is bloody hilarious
My husband is funny, sometimes. Especially when he’s shouting at X-Factor contestants on TV and using the C word, a lot, which has me in stitches every time. Whereas his mother laughs at everything. Everything! She genuinely thinks he’s a comical genius. He isn’t.

8. She suggests he takes a lie down
All. The. Time.
Had a hard day, son? Go lie down.
Feeling ill, son? Go lie down.
Don’t worry about tidying up the dinner plates, son. Go lie down.
Are you getting enough sleep, son?

YES!! Yes, I think he is!!

So if you are reading this and have sons, do be careful how you bring them up. There’s a girl out there who will one day want to be your boy’s wife, and she will want to like you. Don’t make it hard for her. And remember, you won’t be able to compete with your daughter-in-law forever. Oh no. Because your precious son will be getting something from his wife he will never get from you – and damn it if she isn’t bloody fantastic at that!

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