By Lady Lolita, 17th October 2016

Why Winter Birthdays Are Crap

Born October-February? Come whine with me.

Born October-February? Come whine with me.

If, like me, your birthday falls in the fall, or the woe that is winter… then this is for you. My fellow birth mates, we are the disgruntled and disappointed of all celebrants. Our special days are not special days because they are not warm, they are not sunny and they fall in the middle of a time when people have better things to do (mainly stay at home and keep warm).

So I have put this together for you all, so you can share it with those lucky enough to have a spring in their step on their spring birthdays, or be sunning themselves on their summer birthdays; so they understand the anguish and despair that is trying to gather enough friends together for a birthday bash in the depths of winter.

You are not alone, my friends.

We will get through this, we will ensure that the summer born understand our plight, we will share with the world our 20 reasons why winter birthdays are crap.

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1. It’s too cold
What’s the first thing you do when temperatures plummet to single figures? Put a skimpy dress on and go to a party? No. You put your PJs on, you put your telly on and you put the heating on. That’s all you want to put on… So unless your idea of a birthday party is a pajama party, good luck getting anyone out of the house.

2. Friends are skint
‘Sorry, can’t come… I’m saving up for Christmas presents’
‘Sorry, can’t come… I’m going away over Christmas’
‘Sorry, can’t come… I spent too much over Christmas’
No-one has money in the winter. And no one wants to spend the little money they do have on you.

3. Everyone’s hungover
You say ‘ birthday drinks down the pub?’ and they look at you as if you have just sharted. If it were summer it would be all Pimms and Spritzers in the park, any excuse to soak up some rays, but in the winter? Nah.

Hungover birthday

4. Everyone is busy
Because October-February means family. It’s Halloween, Guy Fawkes Night, Thanksgiving, Ramadan, Eid, Hanukkah, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day, New Years Eve, January Sales… and the best television all year. This means that when family doesn’t have you and your mates by the short and curlies, everyone just wants to chill out. At home. Alone. They don’t want to go to yet another party because quite frankly free alcohol and too much food has become the norm and it’s booooring now.

5. Everyone’s on a diet
How much birthday fun can you have with your friends if they don’t want to get pissed and eat cake? They are either all trying to lose weight to fit into their Christmas outfits, or doing the January detox thing. Either way, no one wants your cocktail sausages.

6. Venues are all indoors
As a grown up, nothing interesting happens indoors with all your clothes on. My idea of a party involves a garden, beach, nice view, sunshine on my face and dancing under the stars. It doesn’t involve rain, its evil cousin sleet or snow. It doesn’t involve over-crowded function rooms full of damp coats and huddles of smokers crammed out onto a tiny balcony trying to dodge hail stones. A winter birthday means restaurants, and…

7. Restaurants are only offering Christmas menus
I DON’T WANT YOUR DRY TURKEY! But try saying that to any establishment offering a party menu October-December. Want to gather some close friends and family for a nice meal out? Well you will be wearing paper crowns and pulling crackers, whether you like it or not. Because that’s what comes with the group menu. And everyone is too skint to go off menu. So Happy Birthday, your big day has morphed into a shitty office party.

Christmas menus

8. They aren’t even in town
Any birthdays between Thanksgiving and New Years are only ever half full, because most of your friends and family are celebrating with other friends and family. And you can’t even complain about it because, well, that’s not the Holiday Spirit. Ba humbug!

9. People want to combine your birthday and Christmas presents
‘Why don’t I get you a joint birthday and Christmas present?´asks Every. Single. Person.
Because they can’t be arsed to buy two presents. Because one lot of wrapping is easier. Because it’s cheaper for them. So come Christmas Day you have nothing to open as you got everything a few weeks earlier. Because that’s fair…

10. Nothing to wear
Who wants to party in a jumper and ear muffs? Your friends do have a few nice dresses, but they are reserved for their Christmas work do, their Christmas Eve friends get together and their New Years Eve bash. Not your party. So everyone turns up in jeans and boots and a token slightly sparkly top that is covered by their winter coat anyway. ‘Oh sorry, was there a dress code?’
YES!! The dress code is: Dress Like You Are At A Sodding Party…

nothing to wear

11. Taxis charge more
So everyone wants to leave your party by 11pm so that they can get the train home. Yay, a two hour party where one hour is spent at the bar fighting off Christmas tourists, lucky me!

12. Bars are full of Christmas party drunks…
Nothing like a bit of birthday groping by Keith in Accounts and his novelty reindeer jumper. Because your birthday drinks table is wedged between the Mums Christmas Night Out and the Rugby Club Festive Bash. This isn’t going to end well.

13. You get bought things in the January sales…
Birthday after Christmas Day? Then you get all the sales crap. Fact. No amount of scraping can disguise the remnants of fluorescent sales tags still stuck to the label – and your friends aren’t even embarrassed about it.

14. Or even worse, you get re-gifted their unwanted Christmas presents
‘Oh wow, another box of bath salts that you clearly will never use and neither will I. You shouldn’t have!’ Seriously, you shouldn’t have! You should have bloody BOUGHT me something with actual MONEY. You tight bastard!

regifting presents

15. And any weekend away is Christmas themed
Your romantic other half wants to whisk you away somewhere exciting for your big day. But unless he’s become a millionaire overnight the chances are you are staying in the UK, or somewhere close by in Europe. Which means everywhere has one or all of the following: 1. Christmas trees in every window, 2. Christmas themed food on every menu, 3. Christmas music playing in every shop and restaurant 4. Christmas markets on every corner and 5. It’s still freezing cold. Hey, don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas… but today is my BIRTHDAY! Please, for once, let it be about ME not Santa!!

16. You can’t have a cheap do
Because every place doubles their prices between 20th October-1st January. Fact.

17. You look pale…
Birthday selfie? Nope. Your birthday party pictures look the same as the Halloween pictures the week before when you dressed up as a ghost.

18. …and you are probably ill
There’s nothing like getting you into the party spirit like overdosing on Night Nurse and Lemsips. Or having a red nose in all your photos. Or blowing out the candles on your birthday cake and covering the icing in snot and enough gems to get the rest of your mates ill in time for Christmas too. Your party for ever more being remembered as ‘the day you gave the whole town flu’.

19. Friends want to combine your party with something else
‘I know! Why don’t we make your birthday Halloween/Guy Fawkes Night/Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years themed?!’ Asks every tight bugger who wants you to pay for their merriment. Then your cake doesn’t look like a birthday cake, it looks like a bonfire or a spider or a Christmas pudding. And everyone thinks it’s so much fun. Except for you.

halloween cake

20. Everyone has forgotten.
But don’t worry, because come Christmas they will hand you a gift that they bought you weeks ago and say it’s a combined Christmas/Birthday present. There, that sorted that out. Clever them.

So, my Winter Wonders. Have a fantastic birthday… or don’t. Better yet stay home on your own stuffing your face with a bumper festive pack of Terry’s Chocolate Orange and mulled wine and watch some TV. At least there’s always great stuff on TV during your birthday!

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